Approval vs. Support

Sometimes we find that we want to share something but those around us invalidate those thoughts.

It's not intentional. It's due to their beliefs, which may be true or not true. They're also subject to change. As they grow as an individual.

You don't need someone else's approval to do something different.

What you do need is "support" and you need to define what kind of support you need.

For some it's a group where you feel supported and understood.

The worst times I've ever gotten stuck was when I felt misunderstood in what I was saying. Because now, I was in the position to have to explain how I felt to another person so I could feel heard.

Anyone here ever experience that?

So, what can happen is you're still focusing on the problem by explaining how you feel, whether it makes sense to the other person or not and you get stuck.

Because you're not feeling understood.

Most people base their advise on their own personal life experience, their beliefs, and other external input.

The most important thing, for you as an individual, to learn is that not everyone is going to empathize with what you're saying, you may not always be understood and/or validated, and that if it bothers you "enough" to figure out what it is you want to do about the situation.

Sometimes, having external input widens our choices. Because there are alot of times when we need to hear ourselves talk to come around full circle to clarity "for ourselves".

And, sometimes we need help and suggestions to broaden our own perspectives.

However, when all of this external advise or suggestions, leaves you feeling "less than" or more confused... you can take all that you've heard, journal about it, do a blog, and you'll start to see what "you" personally need.

Sometimes it's going to be a little bit of everything you've heard.

That's fine :)

They say when you have a problem to write down 5 possible (or three) solutions to it so that you realize that you have other options.

This is the most important thing to keep in mind. Sometimes others are "not" going to understand where you're coming from because they are including themselves in the mix. It's not "intentional" but it happens.

So focusing on what you really want, "regardless" of approval or not from others, and getting the support, whether someone else agrees with you or not, is important.

If you're finding yourself repeating certain patterns that are negative in your life, you'll have to reconsider what you're doing.

That's Okay... you can't change anything you don't identify.

If you can't see it, you can't change it.

And, when we're in the middle of it, it "is" very difficult to see our contribution sometimes.

Ever talk to a friend and you can see what "their" issues are so clearly? That's because you're not emotionally involved and you have a clear picture because you've been listening and seeing this pattern of behavior that isn't suiting this other person.

It "is" so much easier to do that. To see what someone else is doing vs. seeing what we're doing.

So, the idea of keeping a journal is a good one. My suggestion is always going to be, to go back and read what you've written from time to time, to actually "see" what patterns are there "for yourself" and then you can see what your doing from a different mental state later on.

After your calm really. And you've gotten it all down, so you can think clearly is really important.

Focusing one what you're now going to do about it, is equally as important.

What do you want?

How have you contributed to the situation?

What changes can I make to make things better for myself?

Having an online group, like this one or others is a good idea because the people in those types of groups have no personal agenda as it relates to your growth.

They have no other emotional/personal investment in what you need to do for yourself.

It will still be based on their life experiences, but it does remove some of the personal gain issues that talking to some one closer to us can add to the mix which can be a big deterent.

Because they have something to gain or lose in this process... your change affects them directly, and this can bias some of the responses you get.

You're goal, is to find out and realize what kind of support you need "without" seeking another persons approval.

You're a grown up now ... you don't need another's "approval" to make changes in your life.

What you do need is to be clear on what it is you do want, and then ask for the support you need. Some self discipline and will power is always helpful as well.

Food for thought today.

Massive Confusion Created in Abusive relationships/After the break up.

A women in another network I've been playing in posted about how she, oh here:

I was in a very serious relationship for 5 years, and I'm now realizing how unhealthy it was, though friends and family have been telling me forever.
I was a strong woman, but i became very weak, i was trapped in the mentality that "every thing was my fault", "if i had just kept my mouth shut we wouldnt be fighting" i bent over backwards and did things that i'm ashmed of just to gain attention and affection from him, i really do love him but he never really gave me what i needed.
we've broken up and got back together so many times its pathetic, i know i need to move on for my own good, but i dont know how, i know at this point if he asked to have me back i would say yes with out thinking, i still dream of marrying him, but i know it would be the same 4 month fighting cycle that we've had for the past 3 years,
i dont know what to do or how to get over him, i dont want to be like this but i feel so stuck, if it wernt for a few friends and my aunt i'd drink myself in to oblivion.
please help me, i just dont kno what to do.

-END-

I said:

If I may, would you tell me what you love about this man?

What are his good qualities?

Before you met him, you were probably okay... over the time you spent with him, this "type" of man manipulates and tears down the women that they are with.

How can you love, someone who never gives you what you need? It's an interesting shift in thought.

Often times women in these situations, and you are not alone in this, find themselves addicted to the cycles of acceptance and rejection. And the good an bad behavior shifts of He loves me, he loves me not.

Hi Dr. Love \:\) ... Rev Love has given you excellent advise to sift through and see what you need to do "for yourself".

Being with a man like this is "massively" confusing. Because they can be "so good" at times. Seem so wonderful ... but they're not. They have their work to do on themselves, and you on yourself. It is not your responsibility to be there and fix them, it is however your responsibility to take charge of yourself and your life and start chosing what you want and who you want in it.

Sometimes it takes a while before we make these changes. Do try not to beat yourself up about this. You didn't know... now you do, and that's your first steps towards creating a healthier YOU and healthier relationships in the future.

Sometimes, once we are used to that cycle which also creates adreneline, when it's gone we can feel quite bored, because the adreneline is gone. Since it was cyclical to recognize this boredom due to lack of stress is very important. It doesn't mean that you really miss him. It means that you grew accustomed emotionally/mentally to this cycle an that it will take a while to adjust to living your life w/o this stress.

Something that worked for me was to have an anonymous blog and to just let out all my frustrations, no matter how irrational they seemed. And every time an ex of mine years ago would pop into my head, I'd say OUT LOUD NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! and I'd purposely start thinking about something else.

Depends on how long you were apart as well and if you are still seeing him from time to time as well.

You can get over this. And you can have a happier healthier relationship and get back to who you really are. A strong woman \:\)

It wasn't your fault. You did ignore some things perhaps that were obvious but ... the things we do for love \:\) ... it happens. It's okay ...

You can do this! I know you can...
_________________________

-END-




Sue T.

Thank you is something you do.

Thank You ... Is Something You Do
Two words. Thank You.

Thank you is the polite thing we are taught as kids.

It's something we say to someone who does something for us, or maybe gives us a gift, or brings us dessert, coffee, tea, an iced tea on a hot day.

Maybe, someone gave you a ride some place, helped you with your homework, whatever it is you could possibly say, thank you for.

And, you dutifully say ... Thank you.

Merriam Webster's dictionary says the definition is as follows:

Main Entry: thank-you
Pronunciation: 'tha[ng]k-"yü
Function: noun
Etymology: from the phrase thank you used in expressing gratitude
: a polite expression of one's gratitude

See that? It says a polite expression of one's gratitude.

That's sweet. Right?

Here's the thought process behind what thank you's really supposed to mean, IMHO.

Thank you, is to express gratitude and appreciation for what someone has thoughtfully done for you.

Because, I feel, at times people take the term "Thank You" and use it inappropriately.

How so?

It's a conditioned response to any of the above things I mentioned.

Sometimes people say thank you only because they know they are supposed to do it when someone does something for you.

To me, Thank you should be much more than that.

It should be about the time it took, the time a person took to do something selfless for you. It should be about appreciation that they took the time to take care of a need that you had. A chore, the laundry, the dishes, taking the garbage out.

At what point, in the roles that people play in their everyday lives to they assume that they should not show appreciation by really meaning it when they say "Thank You".

It's no wonder why so many feel unappreciated at times.

Thank you is nice... but the thing is.

To really be appreciated for the time taken out, for the things that they "do not have to do" but do it because they care enough to do it, would be alot better.

Pay attention to what you say thank you to. Are you taking for granted tha this perons is supposed to do it for you because they're doing it?

Are you recognizing that true appreciation, while not the goal of the person doing that nice thing, is still deserved?

Can you imagine, how you would feel, if someone said thank you ... to you... and they recognized the reasons you've done it?

Because you cared enough to do it.

Not because you HAD to do it.

Thank you, to me, isn't just something we say.

It's something we DO.