You KNOW you're going to do it... but you still ask others for their opinion

I was reading a newsletter I get on finances and learning how to budget money, save money, etc.

Someone wrote into this person and was talking about their washing machine that broke. They had one line about fixing it, one line as to ALL the reasons to buy a new one, one line about dipping into their emergency fund, one line about buying a new one (again), one line about how much would the writer suggest be a good price, and one line about how much better a new one would be energy efficiency wise and going green wise.

Are you seeing a little pattern here? :) I did. The person WANTED the new machine ... they probably knew they shouldn't do it, because they didn't want to dip into the emergency fund (which is why it's there) but still had all these pluses to going out and purchasing the new machine. To me they were looking for validation or someone to say, "it's okay for you to do this, I approve" ... kind of like asking permission with all these really good reasons as to why to definitely BUY the new machine.

I thought... as I grinned to myself, they just want the new machine, why are they writing in?

How manytimes have you guys here, been in this situation?

You know what you need to do.
You know the right thing to do or the wise thing to do.
But you're desire to have or do whatever it is that you're trying to rationalize over powers the common sense end of the entire situation?

You know you're going to do it.
You're kind of just looking for permission to do it.

No matter how much good advise you get, you think to yourself how this is a risk you're willing to take.

Now, granted, if you are truly okay with doing whatever it is... you wouldn't need input. Because on a much deeper level, with any situation that you're dealing with, if your asking another person, and laying it out so well as to the "why" and "why not" you've probably already made up your mind if you have a good argument as to why you should vs. why you shouldn't.

People are going to do what they want to do. The most important thing, I believe is to WAIT ... Wait a little while and REALLY think things through.

Ignore that vicious pull towards doing something you KNOW may not be the wisest thing over the long term and give yourself time to process the emotions that are coming with the story your either justifying to yourself or feel that you need some sort of approval or permission about.

Granted, when you are trying to figure something out, it's good to look at the pro's and con's of any situation. I'll give them that. Definitely.

At the same time... we ulitmately deal with the outcome of our choices. We wouldn't want to follow through with something that deep down we "KNOW" isn't going to be good for us. Whether it be financially, in our personal relationships or in any other situation.

Deep down, you have an idea as to what it is you should or should not do. Sometimes when people are thinking something through like this, all they hear are the positive things that people will say which are "for" the situation and not against. Because that's what they WANT to hear. They've already made up their mind.

Every been in this situation? Someone asks you for advise, you are not emotionally attached to the outcome, you give it to them and they go and do the exact opposite? :)

Or how about being on the other side of this? Ever ask for advise, get it, do it anyway?

Pro and con lists are awesome. What trumps this list is how a person feels about whatever it is and how much delicious gratification or pleasure they're going to get from it.

I'd say WAIT ... give it time to simmer a bit... THEN make a decision when you're not "as" emotionally attached to the situation.

Then follow through with your decision. How you feel, the attachment you have to whatever outcome this is, you may already have your answers. It may be a matter of you don't want that as your answer. You'd prefer what you really want instead of processing it thoroughly.

Never underestimate the power of the emotional curve that is "I want that" ... "I reeeeeeeeeeally want that"!

If you wait, you may find yourself making better decisions...

Letting Go and Moving On...This is important.

Some life experiences are things that people simply have a difficult time getting over. I understand this.

So they talk about it and they talk about it, because it makes them feel better and they blow off steam. Unless they're stuck in the middle of feeling like a victim and moving past the situation which can take a longer time period for some.

If you're pay attention, there are some who tell their story, get advise, then they find another person who feeds into the hate or discontent that they have about the situation.

It can be by saying the initial person is right and a good person and the other person is bad. This is VERY validating to someone.

This can't be soooo bad, feelings are validated, old hurts are seemingly appeased or start to heal. This is great! Right?

Well, that depends. Sometimes the initial person starts to compile all this proof that the other person is so bad and continues to look for this validation from others and agree with them that they start to gloat on just how bad the other person REALLY IS and how GOOD they are... that they "seem" to be healing or moving past the situation, but in reality they're still hurt over it, still holding onto the situation and still looking repeatedly to make themselves "right" and the other party "wrong".

Following me?

It may very well be true, all that they're saying about someone else.

However the true healing comes when they recognize that they need to let go of the old hurts and situations, that they have no control over the other persons actions or lack thereof.

It comes with viewing the situation from a third party perspective where they make a decision to forgive that other person for all that they've done.

It doesn't mean to forgive them to allow the other person to do it again. Certainly not. Lessons should be learned and boundaries should be set. Definitely.

However when there's this glimmer of "glee" when others validate the original story, over and over again... that's not part of the healing process. That's simply a way to continue to hold onto the past and not move forward.

With this type of person you're not going to change how they think or how they feed into the original problem over and over again. They have to see it... they have to acknowledge what the benefit they're getting from this constant validation over a situation really is.

A person who has moved past a situation, doesn't continually talk about it.

Doesn't suck people into it and look for even more validation and the your "right" they're "wrong" feedback.

What they are going to do is to let go of the story and CHOSE to NOT feed into it anymore by either talking about it or by removing that person from their life completely.

Why have a person in your life who causes you so much emotional duress.

Why keep talking about a situation when you've gotten the validation and understanding that you need?

Why continue looking for those small, seemingly insignificant opportunities to talk about it or find out what another person is doing... thereby feeding into your own healing process in a negative way?

Letting go of a situation where we've been hurt, can feel very difficult.

When you grow emotionally as a person and you learn to forgive others for not knowing... this is when you start recognizing that while a situation may have hurt you, you can learn from it and move forward.

Not hold onto it by having others around you feed into it, not by doing little things to get validation from others, not by gloating when someone else agrees with you.

You know, THEY were WRONG .. YOU were RIGHT!

This mentality can turn you into a martyr really quickly.

What you want, is to be understood and then heal from the situation.

Accept that whatever the other person did they did on their own. It didn't have anything specifically to do with YOU ... it was their "stuff" and their beliefs or lack thereof that caused them to do it.

Then, letting it go, learning healthy ways to not be around someone like this.

We all have a choice in life, who we let in and who we kick out.

If a person is around us is toxic, over time you can see this and no matter how much you may wish things were different, it is what it is. Why feed into it more?

Continuing to feed into it, isn't good for a person, no matter how much they think they're moving past it, they're not. Because they're still looking, over and over again for that validation.

At some point, a person has to move past the story and what happened, heal and gain a better understanding of themselves and what they're going to do on a personal level to make themselves happy.

Sometimes, yes, this feels easier said than done. Been there done that. However, it CAN be done... People have to decide that they are not going to allow this other person to have any emotional control over them any more.

They're walking around doing their thing aren't they? No matter what you think, how many times you tell your story, no matter how many people empathise with your or say you were right they were wrong... you're still telling the same story over and over again and feeding into your own discontent.

They are happily going on their merry way, knowing they can get to you, or that they have gotten to you OR already over it.

So when you're done getting your validation and understanding, venting about a situation and blowing off steam, change your focus to deciding that you are not going to allow this other person to interfere with your life or your own personal happiness.

You can do it... go on.

Setting the bar too high. Is there such a thing?

Sue T I'm writing back to a friend of mine this morning and they were saying how they wondered if sometimes we are setting the bar too high.

I think it's more about if we have people around us who support the bar. If we're around others who are complacent or who put down what our personal goals are, we may start to believe, due to their negativity or lack of support that "we" are setting the bar too high.

We may tend to absorb their negative feelings and thoughts.

Kind of like, "What makes you think you can do that?"

Or ...

"You should have something stable and secure."

I tell you, is anything in this day and age stable and secure? As a matter of fact, to contradict this popular thought process these days that there's a lack, there are plenty of people out there I know who are working, who are making a living and who are moving towards what they want.

Maybe not at the speed they would like however, they readjust and reprioritize their goals at times, and they move forward

In having a goal and learning to reprioritize when necessary, it means we're not willing to sit back and not contribute to our own happiness.

Just because something we wanted didn't work right away, doesn't mean that we can't have what we want. It means that we have to keep trying until it happens.

It also means we have to keep looking at what we're doing to see if we have enough information or are educating ourselves on what we need to do.

If you look at my experiences with my job search over the past three years, in looking for an environment that I liked and where I enjoyed going to work. I couldn't seem to find it. Right?

Those of you who have been members here a while, know what I'm talking about.

Some could say, "Well it was YOU Sue..." (Maybe I set the bar too high in what I was looking for.)

How could that be though? I have an environment now that I like... can you imagine if I had accepted where I was, financially, emotionally and just sucked it up and stayed where I didn't feel good?

Now, my resume, looks like a mess. That was a deterent to some firms. Mind you, I said "some" firms. Other firms looked at how I changed my positions and said, "WOW you've got a lot of experience!" ...

It's all about perception isn't it? Yes.

And in spite of the appearance of my resume, I found a place that fits me. It's not that I can wear jeans to work. Although, that is such a perk. :)

It's that I, overall like where I am, what I do, who I work with on a daily basis... that was the goal. And I'm making better money. That was the goal as well.

My overall goals were to not be stressed about going to work due to the people there.

To find a position where I was paid what I'm worth.

To find a place where I didn't experience anxiety and put off getting ready in the morning because I "just did not want to go".

It took me a while didn't it? I had a lot of ups and downs and ... sometimes I thought, maybe other people are right. Maybe my goal to find this "is wrong".

Maybe it doesn't exist.

Now, is that true? No. It's not. I've proven that by finding what works for me.

I also was fortunate enough to have other places where the environments were what I liked, but didn't realize it at the time, to fall back on. I had proof that what I was looking for "DID" exist. We can forget that sometimes when we're trying so hard.

Could I have thought that I set the bar to high? Certainly.

Did I want to buy into that thought process?

Absolutely not.

So, when someone asks you if you're setting the bar too high, what do you say?

How do you feel?

What are you going to do, whether you succeed the first few times or not, to continue to go for what you want?

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult to keep a positive perspective on looking for what I wanted. I felt pretty awful sometimes. I thought, maybe it doesn't exist? Maybe it's me... Maybe I should have stayed at this one particular place instead of rocking the boat and striving for more.

I had doubts many times. I'm sure some of my friends may have had doubts too.

However I held a belief, based on my past experiences, that this kind of place existed and that I would find it. The fact that it seemed to take forever, and inbetween there were circumstances beyond my control where things that I literally could not control.

I had to shuffle things around, I had to hold onto my thought process that I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to buy into the thought process that I had to suck it up and "tolerate" bad behavior from the people around me.

You know, statements like, "Well every job has that person or something we don't like."

I thought... Yah, this may be true but ... just how much to people tolerate if it's something that doesn't roll off?

And why would I want to tolerate that?

So I kept at it, I kept trying, failure after failure... I kept looking. I had one friend who offered to help me with my resume and wipe out the mess that it seemed to be.

I thanked them a whole lot but I figured if I started out that way, we'd both have to answer questions about what I'd been doing which ... would really be a yarn. I appreciated the offer a whole lot. I really wanted to do it too. Seemed like I should just accept that maybe the kind of place that I wanted/needed didn't exist anymore.

I'm glad to say, I didn't set the bar "too high"... because now I go to a place where I enjoy being. For the most part. Don't get me wrong there's stress and some interpersonal stuff as we get used to each other that crops up but it's nothing like what I've been through in the past.

It's not "tolerable" it's "workable"... big difference in that.

So, in closing, because I have to work out now... is there such a thing as setting the bar too high?

I don't think so.

I think we need to pay attention to what we want, maybe reprioritize things, learn other things but overall... shifting doesn't equal failure. And I can tell you, I had doubts... it didn't equal my desire to be happy at my day job though.

Sometimes it was really hard. Make no mistake!

Now I think, imagine the things we wouldn't have in our life if we quit every time things got difficult?

That would be a shame... right?

So, is there such a thing as setting the bar too high?

I don't think so... You?

Does it Make You Think? Michael Jackson's passing...

On Friday I was talking about Michael Jackson's passing work and I wanted to know why people cry when someone famous like this passed. I thought it was an immense shame, but I didn’t feel the need to cry. Although I've seen many crying in the news.

Over the next few days, radio stations, MTV, and a couple other tv/radio stations began playing the wide array of music that he had done.

One by one, memories started coming back in my mind about different times in my own life and where I was at the time. I watched the videos with great reflection on Michael Jackson’s behalf. If that’s possible… Meaning I watched him, "really" watched him perform. Watched who he was ... thought about the things he had been through, what he was accused of in life. I wondered at one point, if he simply just got tired.

He was conditioned by an abusive father to be the best. To practice until he got it right. At least these are the stories I’ve heard over the years. His focus was to be “the best singer”, “the best artist”, "the best performer" to have fame, recognition. All things he was taught were important. And he certainly shinned, didn’t he? I think so…

I watched these videos and I thought about how he never learned the simple things. The things we may take for granted. Although I know he had charities and things the he contributed to throughout his life. I'm talking about “for himself” as an individual… it seemed there wasn’t very much. You know, as a human being.

Loved by millions, not loved by one. And he was a corky fella… You could see his style in the many video’s. I watched, the fire, his dedication, the impecable dancing and singing. He was truly masterfull.

Yet… here’s this guy who has brought so many memories to others. For some, solace from some things and memories from different times. Memories revived which has now come from his passing. And to die, in this way… so senseless. A waste … on so many levels.

I have a favorite song that he did when he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. It's entitled, “You Are Not Alone". The first time I ever heard that song I was living in the shore area in a house I really loved. It was an old house, falling apart but I really liked it there. Hearing the song that day brought me to tears the first time I heard it and I still can get choked up today when I hear it again.

I wasn’t looking out or “for” any new releases of any kind from him. I kind of heard the music and took for granted the massive amount of talent that he had.

I think this is a good reminder to not let life slip through our fingers. To not take things for granted… and to not assume because someone has wealth and fame, that they’re happy.

I’d take both myself. Actually I would have happy, healthy and wealthy… not necessarily fame, that has it’s own issues.

I have to say, now that it’s sunk in a bit… I understand more why people cry when someone like this young fella passes. And make no mistake… he was a young fella. 50 is not old… not in this day and age with people living longer lives.

They hear a song, they’re in a certain place, it brings back memories for them and that hope a song can bring to people. The heart it can touch. They have an emotional attachment to all that this person has acheived in their life. This guy, meant “something” to so many people… for so many different reasons… I can see it now. It took me a couple days to absorb the whole thing however, I see it now.

I’m glad he’s in a place, where he will be eternally happy now. R.I.P… You’re free. (MJ)

The other thing that comes to mind for me is, does something like this make us question our own mortality?

We could be gone in an instant. Not under Michael Jackson's cirumstances (or maybe, you never know) but an accident or ... some unforseen "something".

By the end of today I started to think, wouldn't this have us considering our own mortality. I have ...

I mean, look at this man. Acheived all these things and he was, sadly, a mess.

What about the rest of you? I am in no way inferring that anyone here is a mess but what are the things we just assume will be there?

That's not true. History tells us this isn't true, yet we tempt fate all the time and take for granted the time we have and what we do. I'm not saying all the time, I am saying I think it happens to some of us, some of the time.

I think it's a very interesting thought process...

Emotional Reactions - Communication Skills

I had a woman call the office yesterday. She was trying to fax something that my boss apparently was "on her" about getting to us, so we could get the guy's insurance to authorize treatment.

So, she calls, asks if the fax is working properly... and this is how it went. This is not "exactly" what was said but it's pretty close.

Her: Is the fax working?
Me: Yes.
Her: Well I've been trying to fax this information your boss needed and it's not going through!
Me: Is your phone number blocked? I think our machine doesn't accept faxes from blocked phone numbers.
Her: Can't you fix that? He (my boss) was very insistent about getting these records to him "today".
Me: I'm not sure how to take that feature off.
Her: Well (Now she starts getting frustrated and loud at me.) If you want these records (not me mind you, my boss) I don't see why YOU can't FIX this issue so I can fax them!
Me: You know, in the same breath I could say, can you take the block off of your number so our machine can accept the fax. What I"m saying is, I don't know how to do that. I would, however I'm not able to.
Her: WELL ... can I mail them? (obviously frustrated now and getting more and more aggressive)
Me: Sure, I don't see why not, we'd have them by Monday I'm sure.
Her: (She seems to start to have some kind of anxiety attack at this point) Your boss was on the phone with me yesterday and he really needed these!
Me: I understand that, I will tell him there's an issue with the machine and let him know you'll mail them.
Her: I don't see why you can't just fix YOUR MACHINE!
(Holy crap)
Me: Listen, this is not between you and me, this is a technical issue that can't be helped, yelling at me isn't going to remedy the situation and this is not personal, there's no need to yell.
Her: Tell your boss that in the future I"m not going to go to these lengths and have this problem!
Me: I will not tell him that, if you have something you want to say to him, you can tell him yourself. That is between you and him, not you and me.
Her: Well leave him a message!
Me: I'll be happy to.

Then the call ended with us agreeing she would mail the records. Which were faxed later... either she fixed her machine or ... maybe it was busy or something. Whose to say?

Now... for saying so's sake, when my boss wants something he comes across pretty strongly. So I can understand her anxiety and poor reaction to not being able to do it.

HOWEVER folks... this is not for one person to take out on another... It's unacceptable behavior.

If you're working "with" someone who is getting more and more aggressive with you, there are boundaries to set with that person as I did above. By advising her that it wasn't personal, that it was a techinical issue that she and I didn't have to get into it over this issue. As she got more aggressive with me, I set and enforced the boundary that this was not personal and that it wasn't going to work if she was yelling at me.

How is this good communication? Well, you're stopping the fight before getting baited into it.

Meaning, you're not feeding into the drama or the false accusations of the other person who starts to lash out at YOU.

You're stopping it by advising them that it's not personal, it's not between you and them. In this case it was a technical issue that neither could remedy.

You're also stopping a miscommunication between YOU and your BOSS ... by relaying a nasty message when if the person has something they need to say TO THE OTHER PARTY that's on THEM to relay. Not you.

If I had relayed that message, he would have snapped at me (maybe...) and I would have had to deflect THAT ... because of relaying a message. I'm not up for that. If she had an issue with him, she could tell him herself. Very simple. I didn't need to be in the middle of that and I wasn't going to be put in the middle of that.

We can get easily roped into a situation due to OUR reaction to another individual.

What is important to remember, as YOUR emotional reactions start to take over ... is that when another party is anxious or starts lashing out at YOU for something that you're trying to help them with...

You have to set a boundary.
You have to reverse and stop them from placing the blame on YOU and advise them what their options ARE.
You have to remember that this is not personal and remind them of this as well.
You can also advise them that them yelling at you isn't going to help the situation. (Mind you, some won't handle this well either.)
You can also advise them if they have something to say to a third party, they can call back at a later time and speak to said person.


IF you have to relay a nasty message to someone and that someone gets angry... that's also not going to be "at you".

You can do the same thing with the person who hears the message.

I'm only relaying a message if you need to talk to this person, tell them. Don't tell me.

People tend to have others tell someone else certain things at times and to me that's poor communication.

If we have something to say... we need to remember a few things.

Don't kill the messenger.
When someone is trying to help you, it's not fair to take your anxiety out on them.
Don't attack the people you call and ask for help.
Working with someone is going to get you a lot farther than lashing out at them because MOST people will empathize with you and help if you treat them with respect.
Think about WHAT it is that's set you off and learn how to set boundaries with "the individual" who set you off in the first place.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you set a boundary with someone?

They'll get angry? Anger is a reaction... which can be side stepped with proper communication.

Now, there are those who just get angry at everything... in those times, call a spade a spade and work around them.

However, if you learn to hear when a conversation is not being flipped "ON YOU" because of the other person's issues. You'll have a much better chance of side stepping getting sucked into an argument or debate that really has nothing to do with you.

Try it... I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Maybe you'll feel some anxiety as you start doing this.
That's normal because you're exercising something new. It will pass as you get better at it.

After I got off the phone, I did need to vent a little bit... something like, "You're not sucking me into YOUR little drama today! So not going to yell at me over something that neither of us have any control over!" HMMPH!"

LOL :) My personal goal is to not have to vent at all... but emotions are tricky. When I had to set the boundary in the first place, it was because her behavior was unacceptable. That's a big no, no with me. Because I treat others with respect and I don't tolerate the opposite behavior from them.

I'm VERY communicative and helpful... so if a person isn't working with me, they're inevitably working against me. We can't work together if we've got some adverserial stance going. That's just ... what?

Stupid. :) No one wins, no one gets what they need done and then you're angry at some person over something that could easily have been remedied.

Why have that mess up your day? I say, don't have it mess up your day. Learn how to hear when a conversation is going south and how to bring it back to a place where you're both listening.

Sue T.

Why should YOU have to apologize! ?

I remember reading an article a while back, years back, and in it they were talking about how if someone reacted badly to something that we said, we should "stop talking" and "apologize" ...

I remember thinking... "You're kidding me right? Why should I have to apologize for THEIR bad behavior or reaction? Hmmmph! Hell no..."

Until ... one day, I was having a "strong disagreement" with another person. They had misunderstood something I said and were reacting in a way which was far from being open to listening to what I was saying.

They continued being defensive and beligerent ... and I continued to try to express what I was trying to say and meeting with no results whatsoever.

I thought to myself, "When did this conversation start to go south?" I rewound about 3 minutes back and found that point where they stopped listening... I thought, "Oh, Okay... let me start over."

I went back to that part of the conversation and I said that I was sorry if "this part of the conversation" appeared to them as if I was saying x,y,z however that was not my intention. What I was saying was this... and I explained it at more length to them.

Well, whattaya know about that? They became more open to listening ... they stopped being defensive and the more questions I asked them, which were simple ones such as,

"Why would I do something like this (?) and what would give you any indication that I would ever do something like that?"

Apologizing doesn't mean you're going to back down from what you want or that you're "weak" and the other person is going to get over on you. The idea of it is to acknowledge the other person where they started to misunderstand what you've said and start over.

I used to think it was all about winning and/or losing. Someone had to win and someone had to lose. Or at least I was going to be heard.

This doesn't work out well in conversations though because no one wins when no one is listening.

In apologizing you're taking responsibility for maybe having worded something the wrong way, restating what you meant by that one misstatement and then moving forward past that point.

The goal is for both people to be "heard" not to keep beating each other up until you both throw up your hands in frustration, the conversation is circular, never has an ending and no one at all is understood and nothing is resolved.

It's about taking responsibility for ourselves in what we say and what we're doing.

I'm not saying we have to "own" another person's bad behavior at any time... I am saying that to start over, apologize for where the other person misunderstood what we've said is an excellent means by which to actually have both people be heard. Then you can come to an understanding... trust is built up, not broken down and you'll also find that future conversations will be better as well. Especially as you establish trust with the other person.

Maybe you're thinking, why the hell should YOU have to use these tactics? Why can't other people do it!

Honestly because most people are not the best communicators. If you want results, and you want to find a way to talk to others in a way the yeild mutuality in a conversation, it's an easy thing to do. Over time you'll find they are more open to other conversations as well. They will pick this up "from you" and as you go, the relationship becomes stronger as you learn how to communicate cleaner with one another.

There are those people who would assume that if you're apologizing that they're RIGHT about something. That's not really the goal. It's the farthest thing from the truth too. Both people have a point which needs to be heard and understood.

If you taking this step makes that happen, it's not a bad thing.

If anything it's showing more strength to go back and start over, from where things began to get hairy, and actually achieve what you want to.

Nobody wins when no one is heard.

Little food for thought today. :)

It's not how you are alike, It's how you are DIFFERENT

Sometimes we meet or know someone with same or similar issues as we have. On a deeper level of who we are... we point out to this person how we are alike in this area and maybe sometimes they agree.

You have your reasons, they have theirs but the outcome is the same ... you both have this issue that you contend with differently.

See... we want to identify and have something in common with another individual. A friend maybe, or a possible romantic love interest ... co-worker... etc., however ... just because you may have this "something" in common, does not mean that you are "alike".

It doesn't mean that the other person is a good fit for you, it doesn't mean that in this area that you can be supportive of one another in a way that is helpful for the two of you. It doesn't mean that you are so alike that being together is going to heal any old wounds that you both may have.

The thing to keep in mind, when you identify with someone in this way, is that it doesn't mean that they would enhance your life or be a good fit for you "just because" you have this personal issue in common.

It's how you differ, what you've chosen to do with your life, how you've worked at your own personal version of this "common" issue that makes all the difference.

You may have done quite a bit of work on yourself and worked this out. You hear same or similar things from another person, you make an assumption that they would understand you because of this similarity. They very well may understand you... it doesn't mean that they've done anything to move through whatever this particular issue is.

In this, comes BIG differences in your persons... You recognize it, you've changed... you've grown. They, on the other hand, are only telling the story ... and not really focusing on how this issue has affected them, nor are they making lasting changes by addressing it.

You'll find they play the same record over and over again, you'll hear the same things over and over again. Initially you may assume that because they say it, or agree with you that you are like minded.

This is not entirely true. There are people who admit to things and do not change and there are people who admit to things, absorb into "their own mind and life" that this is not serving them and make lasting change and attempts to work through it.

So... the reality becomes that... while you "are" alike in this old wound or similarity in experiences... It's how you are different that is the most important aspect of this common ground that you see.

The differences are great when one person is still commiserating and the other has moved past this issue.

Yet... initially, this common ground, this issue ... if you will that you two have in common ... does not make you compatable with them, it doesn't make you the expert on their life or how they can work things out.

It is still entirely up to that person to see their issue, to go and get the help they need, to work things out for themselves.

You can see how you differ over time. Over their actions and how they may talk about it, yet ... they talk the talk, but they're not walkin' the walk. Meaning they aren't "really", "really" doing something to make a lasting change ... like perhaps you have... in being healthier as an individual.

My suggestion when you see this common ground in the future is to not take this common thread and assume that they are "so much" like you that it would be a good fit.

Wait and see ... What you wouldn't want is to misread the other person's sharing as an indication that they've done the work on themselves and are changing or have become healthier. It reveals itself through their actions, or lack thereof.

Pay attention... wait and see.

Talk is cheap, action is priceless.

You've Changed... They haven't

As you go through your own personal changes, mature emotionally and begin processing how you feel better and defining who it is that you "really" are or want to be... there are things that you're going to start noticing about the people around you that may catch you by surprise.

As an example, maybe your group of friends were great before you began to examine your life then later on after you've put all this time and work into who YOU are... you recognize how negative those friendships really were/are for you.

Say you have a group of friends who are consistently complaining and blaming everyone else for everything and anything possible. It's not uncommon ... personal accountability can be lacking in many areas of a persons life.

You've started to recognize how what you do, or what you don't do affects other areas of your life, so you start taking responsibility for your contributions or lack thereof, to a situation... Things start shifting for the better! You now have a clearer perspective and view of what you would like to change and you begin to impliment these changes.

You go to share these things with the group of people who you've been comiserating with all these years and they... don't understand. They're still inadvertently roping you into drama, issues, pointing fingers at someone else for their troubles, instead of recognizing, as you have ... that personal accountability does not mean that everything is our fault... it's more about taking steps to recognize what does or does not work "for them" and learning how to start doing things differently.

So what happens? They say YOU'VE changed and they can't talk to you anymore... because you don't understand like you used to!

Eventually those people are going to fall off and out of your life. They're still stuck...

You've decided to make your life better ... you've started to invest in yourself and what you want, and they can't seem to see the bigger picture of making these changes.

The truth is that you've developed a healthier mindset and lifestyle and they haven't seen the value of this yet.

Which is a shame because you now know, how much happier they could be, if they began to take note of themselves and their own contributions to the problems they are having.

How many of you have made changes in your life for the better and found old friendships began to drop off ?

How many have made changes and started to recognize how a particular group of people tend to suck the life out of you? Whereas other newer interests and groups of people make you feel supported and really good about yourself?

How many wish that they could bop their old friends over the head and get them to truly see how much better things would be, "if only".

How many of you understand that it took YOU this long to change and you have to be patient with them? Course... they have to see it and until they begin to understand that doing things differently, that you can't do anything really except by example.

Any time you begin to make changes for the better, the other people in your life or group are going to resist. Unless they've beat you to it and YOU were the person resistant :) ...

You can't beat them over the head and make them come with you.

They have to be ready. Just like you...

In the meantime, you can try to be supportive of them, but not at your personal expense of going backwards.

If you've changed, you'll find so does your circle of friends. You're going to WANT people around you who make you feel good, supported, validated and understood. Who are going to help you to think things through better, to make changes that help you to get what you personally want in your life ...

We, sadly, at times... begin to see the negative affects that the old group had on us and we start shying away from that group. And for good reason... we just do not feel good anymore being around them.

It never means that we're "better" than the other person. Heck at some point, we WERE that person.

It means that we are striving to be better as an individual ... and that's okay.

It means that sometimes we have to let old relationships go... especially when being around them, makes us feel bad.

Sure there's remorse that comes with this... I don't know a person on earth who doesn't have mixed feelings with letting go of a friendship or a person who makes them feel bad ... At the same time, if you truly WANT your life to change and be better... sometimes you have to let these people go... at least for a while.

Maybe you're changing will help them to recognize that they are not as stuck as they thought... but, again, they have to see it...

It may take years... they may not grasp what you're doing... That's just frustrating. Course, I know for a fact that I've frustrated many people along my journey, that's for sure! :)

My point, as I go on here, is ... dont allow another individual's fear or lack of self awareness to make you stay the same. Or to make you think that there's something wrong with you for wanting something better or more in your life.

You need to do, for yourself, what you need to do for yourself... it's important to recognize this.

It's either that... or leaving things as they are. That's not working for you... and I wouldn't want to see anyone not do something because someone else was resistant to it.

You've got enough resistance :) of your own to contend with.

Do it anyway... take the time to pay attention to yourself and see what you want. Start doing it... You may lose some people who drag you backwards... what you gain, is less negative energy and thoughts from them. You don't need that baggage anymore. Do you?

It's your turn to decide that you would like your life to be different...

Don't inadvertently allow negative people around you to stop you.

That would be a shame... truly.

Illusion of Time... How does it affect you?

At my day job, I'm a legal assistant. I work in a nice firm, with cool people, and A LOT of work! :)

In a law office, you "always" have work. If you say you don't have something to do, you're not looking around yourself enough. There's always something to do and if you want to be ahead, you'd better keep your eyes open.

There are deadlines, court hearings, arbitrations, trials, etc. You can have so much work, you don't know where to start and where to stop!

Such is my desk :) ... An interesting thought process came up for me over the past couple of months that I want to share with all of you.

It's the illusion of time... It's relevant, you'll see.

I've been going in on the weekends from say 5:00 - 6:00 a.m., so I could be ahead of time frames and ahead of all the work on my desk. Usually, lots of firms do certain documents the day before an arbitration. My goal is to have that puppy done and out at minimum a week or, if I'm really focused... two weeks "prior" to the hearing.

That requires ME to do some significant shifting in how I run my desk and the work that comes across it. Including but not limited to the interuptions, phone calls, emergencies, etc.,

I also... don't like being all wigged out that I'll be down to the wire, that stresses me out. I dont' like being stressed out... it feels "bad".

So to alleviate that AND to be ahead... I go in on the weekend for like 4/5 hours, I'm done by 9:30 - 10:00 a.m. and there are NO distractions... just me, my mp3 player and pure uninterupted work time. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH... no interuptions, no phones, no nuttin! YES!

How time is relevant is... the first few times I did it, I'd go in on a monday with this false sense of security that the rest of the week would be a breeze. I was wrong...

With all the things I mentioned which is and are a distraction, I lost time anyway...

Why? :) Because I made an assumption, not based on FACT ... that in doing the extra on the weekend and having my desk be massively organized according to due dates and scheduling etc., that I had more time.

So what did I do? I stopped working at a frenzied pace.

Meaning, not that I didn't still do everything that I was supposed to do, but I made the assumption that I now had all this TIME ... w/o considering that if I kept at the pace I was going "prior" to going in on the weekends I could be ... as much as MONTH ahead and have no stress whatsoever.

Wouldn't that be a massively wonderful goal. Especially considering that my goal is a week to two weeks.

So, I'd go in... I"d have this illusion of control wherein I'd feel like I'd have ALL THIS TIME to get to things...

Yet ... it wasn't true. Time kept slipping through my fingers... the days still zipped by and I still had all the normal distractions during the week and the work still pours in and... POOF... all that time disappeared.

I decided, after seeing this little pattern of mine where I had an illusion of time and deadlines being met in advance due to my going in on the weekend that... I had to make time my friend.

Use it to my advantage. Right? Can you do that?

Sure you can... this weekend I went in not with the idea of cleaning up certain items which have dates on them but to clean up the busy work like putting files away, diarying them, follow ups, filing etc., that takes time away.

Then, I did an arbitration package which is due on April 2, 2009 ... if I want to have time be my friend and be ahead of it... instead of doing the "right now" stuff... which is okay to set aside a little bit... I did the stuff that I'm not able to "get" to because there's so much to do. So the goal was to go in and do the first arbitration package that was due and have it prepped and ready.

If I wait, until I do the other stuff, times going to catch up to me... and it's going to be done the day before. I'm not having that kind of stress... nope.

My goal, is to destress myself so much that time is no longer an issue because I've used it wisely.

Not this other thought process of "the illusion of control" over time where I dont manage it properly.

It may seem so silly to write about this but I think the illusion of control over time is something very important to talk about, becuase it affects many other things.

Life... how many of you were 20 years old a minute ago? I know I was... I'm only 22 :) LOL ...

We can't control time but we can control what we do with it and make it manageable... we can use it to our advantage and focus on how to use it wisely. Like I'm doing at work...

Focus is the primary goal here. Whatever it is that you're doing, you can restructure it to make things easier, less adrenaline filled and more smooth... I like the hustle and bussle HOWEVER ... doing things and getting ahead... where you can produce things and do things in a way where you're not always rushing... and thank goodness I have a boss who gave me the key :) ... and the ability to go in and use the early morning silence to my advantage... whenever I want to... makes other things mroe streamlined too.

Think about it... I know lots of you have massive workloads or things that can run you ragged... I don't think it has to be that way... If there's a way to manage your time more efficiently, find it... I've tried several different processes and the most recent is to start the package and do nothing else... but the package when I go in... a file review, based on how large it is can take a good ... 4/5 hours... that's a long time. When it's uninterupted it can still take that long but it's still faster and it's not being interupted.

Then you're ahead... We don't want you to fall into the "illusion of control" when it comes to time... and assume that becuase you're ahead in one area, that other area's aren't going to come and distract you from making more time by doing the extra.

You want to focus on the long term of managing it in a way that's going to help you overall.

Thoughts? I tell ya :) I'm a happy clam right now... LOL :)

Oh... was it worth getting up that early? Sure it was... because in wanting this goal to be accomplished, I had to shift some things and chores in my daily routine too... I had to make that more efficient and make some changes.

Nothing is engraved in stone... NOTHING... don't fall prey to the illusion of control over time or life... it's going to come and go... what you do or don't do, is all relevant.

Dont' you think?

Awful Plastic Surgery and Aging... Where are you?

Most of the pictures in the site http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/category/cher/ are of celebrities. One woman's face, due to her perception of how she looked... was so altered that she wasn't attractive at all anymore. Joan Rivers is a good example, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and a slew of other actors and actresses all had nose jobs or work done on their faces and their bodies too.

The even have implants for guys arms to make their biceps and triceps look bigger. Talk about obsession. Wow.

I sat looking at these photographs in the site for about 40 minutes last night... I liked most of the before pictures, specially when you see what could happen if you go over board under the knife.

Saturday I went to my dentist. This is relevant :) bear with me. I went to the dentist and he did a big scaling and cleaning ... and he shaved my lower teeth down a little bit, and a top tooth a little bit too.

He handed me a mirror and before I looked I said, "If I don't seem to like it immediately, keep in mind that I've seen myself the same way for a number of years and it may take me a while psychologically to accept the newer view." He says, it looks great, you'll see.

I looked and it was "okay"... it took me until I got home and looked again to think... hmmm... yah, that's pretty good.

When I looked in the mirror, due to all the faces I was making and aging myself, all the fine lines in my forehead and around my eyes were really winking at me. Actually, they were waving madly! I told him, I think you just aged me 10 years... Yah, like they weren't there before? Suuuure they weren't.

Everyone is affected, whether they admit it or not, by what they perceive to be perfection in themselves. Heck, even the prettiest women in hollywood changed things about their faces.

As I age, I notice the fine lines, thankfully they're laugh lines, not frown lines. I have them in my forehead from the many expressions I make, not so much around my eyes, around my mouth ... you know those apostrophe's we can have there from smiling. Course, the skin begins to lose elasticity over time ... my neck started to get what I call chicken skin. Which is simply, if you look at a person in their 40's or up, the skin on their neck loses some of it's elasticity and doesn't bounce back like it used to.

Initially I saw these changes, which are ever so slow, but when you're tired or didn't do the whole face regimine thing they seem pretty pronounced.

Which brings me to face lifts. Wow, the botched facelifts I saw pictures of. The writer on the site called them "the wind tunnel" look. And it was true... how much skin can you pull back, while it's losing it's elasticity and have it look normal?

The face is going to age and the symetry will all be shifted with any work that's done. As that starts happening people start wanting to fix more and more. Have implants in their faces to make their face look... well, I guess younger and more youthful... I guess. But, it comes out looking ... all puffy and distorted.

My thing, is ... why not appreciate what we have? Accept aging as part of growing older. We can't change that, we're going to age. It's inevitable.

Same goes to lyposuction and the botched jobs you can see people have which make them think they're all thin and sexy. If they don't maintain certain lifestyle changes, it's going to come back.

Same goes for a tummy tuck or ... any other procedure you can come up with.

I'm not saying that I don't understand the ... perceptions people have about their body, face or aging. The desire to keep up, for the actor's and actresses in hollywood faced with the younger crowd, but ... I think that perception is a bit skewed... (sp?)

The desire to be more attractive or fix something they don't like about themselves is there. Lots of people go through a lot of negative thoughts and poor self esteem issues because of what they see and what they think others will find attractive.

And therein lies the answer... "What they think others will find attractive".

This isn't a new topic. It's been going on for years. All over... now they have shows about it like Nip Tuck and Extreme Makeover... Although in the show Extreme Makeovers they also promote an entire lifestyle change. HOwever, they're still promoting going under the knife to ... look better, to enhance their self esteem.

My own nose is crooked, I have a deviated septum, a doctor told me that once and I said... yup, that's why I part my hair this way. :) It offsets my nose. My deviated septum can stay right where it is, crooked and all. So there...

What I'd rather see... is people appreciate who they are, without buying into what other people say pretty is supposed to be.

Sure we have who we're attracted to, psychologically speaking people are usually drawn to people like themselves or who they think mirrors their own perceptions of themselves... However at what point do people give up the right to like themselves just as they are by getting major, costly surgery?

I'm not talking about people who had an accident either. You know where they have reconstructive surgery or things like that.

I mean, we're all going to age... We're all going to get wrinkles and chicken skin :) and things are going to go south...

What about enhancing what we have by say... hair color or make up or ... dressing to flatter what we already have?

That's still a bit superficial I guess but ... there are other things a person can do to boost their appearance and feel good about themselves. All that "feel good about yourself" starts from within anyway... right? Yes...

Then it shows outwardly ... Lets take, Ernest Borgnine for example. He's a ruddy looking fella, been in a number of movies and shows... I saw him in an interview one day a few weeks back and he's still him. Ruddy looking, with the space between his teeth ... still "him". I think that's pretty admirable. He is who he is...

Unfortunately, we're not taught to embrace who we are... everything swirls around what other people think and do.

It starts really young too. High school if not sooner. Whose the prettiest, whose the most likely to succeed... thank god no one said things about ... what's his name? That computer genius guy whose a kajillionare? Bill... oh ratts! I can't... GATES! Bill Gates! Not massively handsome... did his thing, is a massive success.

Can you imagine if he bought into all these things? Shame.

We can get so enticed... or lured into comparing ourselves to others as to what "we're not" that we forget to appreciate who we are in the first place.

This is where comparing is BAD... They do it in the tabloids all the time, who looks better in this dress and pit one actress against another in a photograph. All goes to perception right? Sure it does... because I"m sure both those women left the house liking how they looked in that outfit.

You never see... men compared like that. Now that I think about it. This sentence is subject to change if I find proof that there are comparisons like that going on.

Oh ... wait, high school year books. They do that... sorry, my mistake. They do it to guys too.

So how do we change these things?

I think, we can acknowledge that everyone is not created equal.

I think we can learn to focus on what good qualities we already have.

I think we can learn that we're okay as we are... and not compare ourselves to others.

I think we shouldn't be so romanced by TV and commercials and all those things that start us off comparing ourselves to others.

I think we can look at the younger generation and not think... "I'm aging, what's going to be left for me?" In any capacity.

I think we can learn to appreciate all that we are as an individual ...

We're going to change. We're going to age. We're going to be inadvertently compared to or see things that may entice us to buy into that mindset that we "have" to do certain things to keep up appearances or buy into what other people think ...

I think... accepting who we are ... right here and working up from there is the most important aspect of defining who we are and what we buy into.

But, this is nothing new... I'm not saying anything new at all. Yet, it's something that's been around forever.

In the end, when everything goes south :) and we have those laugh lines and furrows in our brow... the thing, that I think people are going to really focus on is...

Who you are... as a person. No?

Food for thought this morning.

Like who you are ... don't buy into all the commercial stuff you see, or the comparisons that are out there.

Be You... after all, you can't really be anyone else can you?

Venting or cronic complainer?

My interpretation of venting is when a situation triggers an emotional response (reaction) from us. It could be anger, fear, stress related, disrespect related, emergency related ... I'm adding a bunch of descriptions so you know it's a variety of things that can trigger venting.

It could also be a compilation of things as well. One stressor after the other during the day and the last thing that happens to a person triggers the flood gates to open and POOF irrational gibber jabbering.

A person who is venting talks incessantly, asks questions which they don't really want an answer to other than to be validated for their feelings or understood. If they seem to get more frustrated because you're trying to "help" then you know that they are venting.

The key, for me, with venting and people who say they are venting is to pay attention to their actions thereafter. Often times we assume people may simply be complaining all the time, and that may be true... IF they have not remedied the source of what they needed to vent about.

Usually when a person is venting they are clearing out the negative emotions swirling around so that they can come back to rational thinking. Come back to "center".

Complaining, is often confused by people as venting because no one ever told them that venting was to regain their "center" and to reach clarity for themselves so that they can move out of the negative emotions and into an action mode where they can think clearly.

Got me so far?

If an individual is complaining all the time and everything is miserable in their life, we could be talking about victim mentality. Which is another topic in of itself. Victim mentalities don't recognize they have a way out or there are other things they can do. They are not solution oriented and can get, and remain stuck in the negative emotions. Sometimes they do this because they truly do not know any other way. They have not learned how to process their emotions and therefore are stuck in complaining mode.

You can see the difference between the two IF there is no action after the person has vented.

I have vented myself to people. I feel better and then I don't follow up and tell them what I've done to better my situation or how I'm working on it. So I can appear to be complaining, however some situations are not as easily remedied.

So what it comes down to, at least in my experiences, is how a person is handling their stressors, if they are action oriented (doing something about their situation and making an effort to do so, and it's not fast enough so they may feel frustrated and trapped) or if they are simply complaining about things expecting a different outcome without any change on their part or acknowledgment that there are things they can do differently.

An individual has to recognize for themselves that they can do something about their situation. Or they may continue to misinterpret venting as something that they can do ... but really all they are doing, is being a cronic complainer without taking any action.

Ya follow me?

They are alleviating stress, etc., HOWEVER they have not yet recognized that they need to do something different. EVEN IF they have been advised otherwise.

So we have "healthy" venting and irrational venting to get rid of the ick ... and then we have complaining where the person makes no effort to change their siutation or their external stressors.

Or, for that matter are not, or may not be aware that they CAN take charge of themselves, have no control over external circumstances, and can focus on what THEY need to do in any given situation.

So... the cronic complainer who takes no action falls dangerously close to someone who has a victim mentality, which can morph into a martyr mindset.

A victim, a true victim is not aware of something being done to them. Once they realize something has been done to them and they take charge, take action... they are no longer perceived as a victim.

Now, if a victim finds out that they are a victim, does nothing about it, they can develope a martyr mentality. Which is a person who recognizes they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation taking no action what so ever.

Now with some, there is a payoff for being a martyr. Attention it gives them because they don't know healthier ways of relating so others. They get to be mean to others because they are so taken advantage of ... "poor me" ... look what someone is doing to me.

On the other hand, a victim... may say nothing at all because they don't know what else to do. They don't know any remedies ... if they are actively searching out solutions, they don't necessarily turn into martyrs. Because they are solution oriented.

What ... clarifies, for me, what venting is and cronic complaining is the overall behavior of the individual that I'm talking to.

If they take action.
If, after they are done venting, they are open to talking about alternatives.
If I ask them if they would like me to just listen, and they say yes. Then after they feel better, they may be open to suggestion OR I hear or see them taking action about the particular problem.
If they are willing to identifhy and take responsibilithy for the situationand their part, if they are honest with
themselves as to what set them off so they can handle the situation better later on.

To name a few...

we can also talk about the draining effects that venting can have on us as the listener too.

We have to learn when to block out certain things so that we don't feel buried by "their" stuff when it's done.

Now, a complainer... to clarify the difference between a complainer and a venter... really just complains, is not open to solution and is consistently negative, and takes no action at all. These people would fall under the category of toxic people.

A venter is letting out stressors of the day or whatever emotional trigger hit them. These stressors, by the way, could be a compilation of things that they did not address as well that come out in one felled swoop too. HOWEVER the venter, when finished, is more solution oriented and seeking resolution, remedies and methods to make their situations more managable or liveable.

Have I been clear? What a shame I had to do it again... Which is fine.

OH! I almost forgot, if you are unsure if a person is venting because they want help ... ask them. You can ask them if they would like some suggestions or they simply need to vent.

If you find a person venting about the same thing, you may have to point out to them that you're hearing venting about the same topic and you would like to discuss some possible remedies.

If that doesn't work and the pattern continues ... well you may have to set a boundary with them as to just how much you can listen to.

Pride in your accomplishments ... Anything New?

I have things that I used to do that really brought me a sense of pride and accomplishment. Although, at the time, I didn't realize it ... I just felt "good", however never linked the action with the feelings.

For example, Monday this past week, it was an ice day outside in the morning and I thought ... I'm going to wash my car. I put on my little MP3 player with my Christmas songs playing (that puts me in a very nice mood, among other music choices) and I got a big bucket, put the soap in it, got out my big huge car sponge and I started washing my car. My car is black so any little water drop or dirt, or bird poop ... we all know that happens, shows up and when it's dirty it just doesn't seem to feel as nice driving.

I don't know if any of you can identify with that feeling, so lets see.

So, I was out there a good 45 min to an hour. Washing, rinsing, doing the tires, rinsing, seeing where I may have missed, washing again. Took the rugs out and knocked the dirt out of them off a telephone pole, shook them some more, then put them back in the car. Then I dried her off ... and WOW !!

She looked so sleek and clean ... and SHINNY!

I stood back and surveyed my work. I had done a very good job. I was so happy because not only did I get to do something where I felt productive, but it also made me feel like I had accomplished something really great. I had quality alone time with myself, zoned out to my music, thought about whatever popped into my head, then on to the next thought and before I knew it, the task was done.

I was proud of my accomplishment. I think, sometimes, we miss all of these important bite size accomplishments that we have on a daily basis.

I think it's important to acknowledge that we may take for granted these little things as unimportant, or just something that we "have to do" for ourselves or even for others.

Now that I have realized how important even the littlest things can be, and ARE ... it's nice to feel that sense of accomplishment and pride in our life. And you can do this every day.

Why not? Who would deny themselves the opportunity to feel so good, over something so small? All things, to me, have meaning... it doesn't have to be HUGE it can be the little things.

Take a look around you and if you find something that you are particularly proud of, that you view as an accomplishment and don't fluff off as unimportant and it "just had to be done, so I did it"...

Post it! I would love to see it... and then I can share your good feelings too!

Whattaya say Folks? Want to try?

Some People just LOVE gossip!

What would we do without gossip?

What would we do if we didn't talk about one another?

Think about it for a second... it, to me, is human nature to be that nosey about everyone else's business.

I like to go through AOL's tabloid section now and then ... not so much to see how vicious I can get about someone else's life, but for a little escapism and simple curiosity.

However, I see so many people who post comments who are so bitter and vicious, I wonder if they ever get out of the house at all.

Not all mind you, I would be wrong if I said it was everyone. However the people on some of these sites are so ... judgmental and vicious about someone else's life that I sit back and I wonder... what "they" are doing in their own life.

Where they learned how to rip someone else to shreds like that. It's a damned shame!

Like, they never made a mistake? Course, their mistakes aren't splashed all over gods green earth for people to pick at... like an old scab, just waiting to see what else is put up so they can gloat or critisize... It's really disgusting.

Take Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolee... the tabloids have been exploiting that topic now for ... what? Approximately 4 years?

They always have some "baiting" topic about how Jen is getting her revenge, or how Angelina may be threatened by Jen and that's why she didn't meet up with her one day...

They're always stirring the pot, making it worse then it needs to be... and people eat that stuff up.

What about... moving on? Lets move past the fact that they were all human, stuff happens, it's over ... ?

I mean can you all imagine, if your worst break up was splashed all over the media?

If you never got a moments rest because some paparazzi guy was following you and getting more pictures and slapping up a headline which may have absolutely nothing to do with what you were REALLY doing or thinking that day?

I tell ya... it's out of hand. Now, I do like magazines where they do interviews with the person directly. That's not all speculation or hearsay... it's straight from the horses mouth ... (Course even that can be subject to how they worded what the person said too.)

So how about it folks... what's your big attraction to these magazines that always hover over everybody, gossiping and slamming people ... like ... they don't have feelings or a right to privacy etc.

I think if people paid more attention to their own life, they would find they have no room to judge others.

I think that would be a good rule of thumb.

Some Entertainment ... LOL The Fly Swat Game!

We're so serious sometimes I think it's good to have a little escapism now and then.

Enjoy! LOL :)

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

Being Assertive... It's really not so hard.

I had some paperwork to copy today, so I went over to Staples. I put my folder down on the copier to remove some staples from the correspondence and put them in the feeder. I inserted my card, pressed two (2) for the number I needed and the papers began to feed. The machine keeps tabs on how many copies and then charges you accordingly.

I'm watching this tabulation go up to approximately $20.00 for about 31 copies. That made no sense, so I went over to the girl at the counter and asked her how much copies are. She advised that the machine I am on was a color copier and those copies were $.49 ... I said, oh... well, I only made black and white copies, I didn't realize that it wouldn't make a difference in price. She comes over to the machine, lifts my folder and points to this rather large sign which read that all copies, whether black and white or color were .49 each.

I asked what the other machines cost per copy and she said .08 per copy. I then asked her if I could get some kind of refund or credit as I had inadvertently used the other copy machine not realizing I would get charged the other amount. She said "No"... and really wouldn't budge.

I asked about a rebate, or a credit with the store... it made no logical sense to me to have to pay twenty dollars for copies due to a mistake on my part. She again, said "No".

I thought, wow they're really stern here. It didn't sit well with me at all, it wasn't the policy that was my problem, it was more the unyeilding responses where consideration was not afforded to me for this innocent mistake. It is/was something that could be easily remedied.

I asked to speak to a manager. She called him over, spoke to him as he walked up, pointed to me and he came over. I explained to him that I had made a mistake, I respect that I had misunderstood the little sign and hadn't seen the other sign and would he be so kind as to refund me the difference. I did have two copies that came out in color and I advised I would be happy to pay the dollar for that however the entire cost was completely in error on my part.

He refunded me $16.00 ... and I was happy. So, what's my point?

Don't get mad at the person behind the counter. They are only doing their job.
Don't assume that you must accept something before going further or over the clerk's head to see if something can be remedied.
Don't yell, be defensive, or be rude to the staff.
Speak clearly and nicely to any and all individuals you may have to speak to with your request.
Acknowledge that you made a mistake, if you have, and politely ask for what you want.

You may still get a "no" depending on the situation... however, at least you asked and made an effort to resolve it. Sometimes we assume we have to accept what someone says without question. At minimum, if you ask, and the response is still no... and you are not satisfied you can always go above someone else's head as well.

However, it never hurts to ask, and see if something can be worked out. If you are reasonable and rational towards others in your requests, I can't say that I would think you would meet with any problems.

Try it... The worst thing that could happen ? They could say No... that's not so bad and at least you tried.

How To Make Change...Change is GOOD!

A small lesson in change.

Here’s my thought. I want you to recognize that you have the power to change anything in your life that you put your mind to. How? By being consciously aware that’s how.

I’d like to give you an exercise to do.

Take one thing that is normally in a set place and move it to another location. Like your tooth brush, the dish soap or your towels moved from one shelf to the other.

For a couple weeks or up to one month, leave that item in its new place. Initially you may remember where that item is, however due to being conditioned to look in a specific place you’re going to find that over time your subconscious mind will reach for that item in its "old" spot.

Why? Because you have been conditioned to do so. Based on habits and/or patterns of behavior that you have developed.

Over time you will see that, you will no longer reach in the old spot for the item but automatically go to the new one. However you will go back occassionally to the old spot, scratching your head and wondering where it went, until of course you remember.

What I’m saying here is that YOU can change ANY habit by being more consciously aware. You can change life patterns, bad habits, develop new habits … as long as you are consciously aware and make a "thinking" effort to do so.

We all know about the things in life that we do that are patterns of behaviors, we just may not be aware of how seriously they affect us in our every day lives.

So, what am I saying?

1. Define what it is that you want to change.

2. Make a conscious "thinking" effort to decide what you want to change.

3. Pay attention to yourself and the cycles that you have and stop yourself from continuing them.

How long does this take? As with anything new that is learned, it can be in an instant or it can take repetition. It depends on how bad you want it, how much effort you put into it and more importantly how aware you are of yourself and your actions.

I want to add here that you will find that just like with that item that you moved from one place to the other, once in a while your old habits will sneak back up on you and you will be pulled to go back to the old ways of thinking and doing.

Your best bet to over come these times is to remind yourself that you have a choice. Believe in what you want and what you want to do.

If it helps tell those who would be supportive of you what you are trying to change in your life to reinforce your determination.

I’ll be here. Write and let me know how it works out.


Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981
Confidence is Silent. It doesn’t defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
www.dsisuet.com

Econimic Crisis Affecting You?

Every where you look, everything you read and see, all talks about the economic state of things. I can't foresee the future in this arena, nor can I advise you how to manage your finances.

What I can do is support you when you feel overwhelmed. How many times have you been through a rough period in your life? How many times did you pull through that rough time?

The proof that you "can" pull through lies within the times you pulled through a situation that could have buried you emotionally, physically and financially. Your key word is COULD have buried you. But, it didn't did it? You made it through. Right?

One thing leads to the other ... if you're emotionally stressed out, you may lose interest in taking care of yourself because your focus is solely on what you don't have financially or what you are afraid you may lose.

Maybe you stop working out, or give into the feelings of helplessness that you may experience. And, make no mistake, we are all human and we all can feel helpless or overwhelmed from external factors.

If you draw on the times that you made it through... and you seek out new ways to manage what's currently going on in your life, you may find that, while it is scary to be confronted with all of these stressors, there is always something different that you can do.

If something you are currently doing, doesn't seem to be working... you can go online and you can type in the words, say ... financial help, budgeting resources, restructuring my budget, etc., and I guarantee you that you are going to find resources and suggestions as to how to restructure your budget and through that, since you are "doing" something and not just giving into your fears... you are going to start feeling more motivated, not as helpless ... not as out of control of your situation.

If you are doing SOMETHING towards restructuring, or refocusing yourself on the possibilities out there and educate yourself on what you can be doing vs. sitting there in fear and doing nothing... SOMETHING good is going to come out of it.

It may not come over night, it may not come a month from now, you may have to cut back a little bit, however if you just sit there and allow all of these emotions to cloud your mind, if you sit and don't LOOK for resources (The internet has a plethura of resources and what's more cost effective than free?) and ask what other people are doing, join an online network designed to provide you with new ideas, you're going to remain in the same position you currently in.

Which may be, stiffled by your own fears and the swirl of overwhelming emotions that come with it.

Aren't you allowed to feel this way? Of course... we are all human beings, we all feel, we all have thoughts and can become afraid or unsettled.

What you need to do is to talk things through with someone, vent, scream into a pillow, take a run, workout to alleviate all those negative feelings and open up room in your mind for new thoughts, new ideas, the desire to say, "HEY! I DON'T HAVE TO BUY INTO THIS MINDSET!"

If you fall, you get up. Right?

Life isn't exactly about a scraped knee, I agree with you. HOWEVER if you view it from the perspective of ... Okay, I fell and scraped my knee, it healed, and now I've learned to avoid that hole over there by going around it, then you've learned a valuable lesson. Haven't you?

So what about your current situation? What things would you be able to do, even if only slightly differently, that would change your current situation?

The other thing that comes to mind for me is for people to NOT worry about what the other guy thinks. Meaning, stop worrying about the Jones', stop assuming that because you're struggling right now, it's something to be ashamed of. IT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF ... Everyone needs a little help and/or guidance at times. Myself included, I'm not different than you or anyone else.

And, yes... I can tell you from experience that when things have gotten bad for me in this arena, I start seeking out solutions. I talk about it, I vent, I see what others around me are doing... I want to know, how to change my current situation to make it better.

What about you? What are some of the things that you focus on to keep up a good perspective on your present situation? I would love to hear from you.

See you soon!

Integrity ...

"To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time."
– Katharine Hepburn

Men/Women on Assertiveness vs. Confrontation

Based on each individuals life experience, anyone, male or female can have experience high levels of anxiety addressing things with someone. Male or female.

I've seen it more times then I've got fingers n' toes.

Based on your very first experiences and up through the present time there are patterns of behavior that we carry with us. Which are "learned".

This means that it can be "UNlearned" and you can become more assertive and address things as they come up, or as soon as you recognize what it is that may bother you.

Never think for a moment that you can't over come it. Do know that you may not over come it over night.

Assertiveness seems to have a bad name. Women who are assertive are called bitches, men who are assertive are called arrogant.

Right? I've seen and heard this "a lot" over time and throughout alot of my experiences.

Here's the thing. Some women who are assertive "are" bitches, because they believe they have to be an impenitrable wall in order to get their point across and to be heard. There's no room for discussion with them, and they may resemble a mountain that is neither empathetical OR moveable.

This is not true.

Men come across as arrogant because they're using their perceived "power" to intimidate or be, again... the mountain. His word is law, there is no deviation from this conversation and thereafter the conversation is soon terminated because there's simply nothing to discuss.

Neither one of these ways, while they "WORK" mind you, are the best way to be assertive. No matter if you are a male or a female. Because it makes people afraid to approach them, people lie to them or withhold information from them for fear of the backlash and the consequences of going up against such an "assertive" individual.

Matter of fact, these bad behaviors, are often times applauded by those who may be a little bit thin skinned. I mean, why not? We can get so'n'so to go after that person, because "I" don't know how to do it myself and then "I" won't look like the bad guy.

How convenient.

Assertiveness can be done with being clear on what it is we want, and then expressing it in a manner that's goign to help the other individual hear us.

To attack a person when we're "angry" is bad. It makes them defensive (the other person) and no one is going to get any where.

To come across as unyeilding and that there's no other way but ours is part of being self protecting.

When we express something to another we don't have to be nasty, loud, self protecting, arrogant or unyeilding.

We "can" express what we need to say and resolve things w/o having an argument.

Of course, it depends on "who" we're talking to as well. Sometimes "nice" and with feeling may not cut it. Depends on who we're talking too.

I'll use being at the doctors office for my ear as an example with the medicine.

I advised that I'd read up on the medication and I had some concerns, specially since I was having a root canal and it affects your immune system. I asked what he thought would be the best thing to do because I was afraid to take it based on what it is and the oral surgery.

I also advised him that I wasn't negating his expertise however I did have some concerns based on the type of medicine that it is.

I didn't go in there both barrels blazing and say, "you're an idiot for not asking me if I was on any other medications or if I was having dental work done like your supposed to!" :) That wouldn't have worked.

And we had a nice conversation.

If I'd gone in there defensive and accusing, the conversation would have gone south pretty quickly.

So it's, what do I want for myself, for others and for the relationship? (these questions are directly out of my communication book)

I wanted to be heard and acknowledged for my fears and concerns with regard to this medication.

I did not want the doctor to feel that I was being uncooperative or negating his expertise which would have made him defensive (IMHO).

And I wanted to keep the lines of communication "open" so that he'd respect what I had to say in the future as well.

Also, I'd had the same conversation with the fella who did the hearing test on Tuesday. He seemed to shift and become slightly defensive in tone of voice and mannerisms, and I'd told him as well... that I wasn't saying I was questioning the doctors expertise however I "did" have some concerns about the treatment.

He shifted gears instantly.

We can't predict how another person can react to what we're going to say, however we can stop and start over when we see them reacting badly or getting defensive. We have all the control in the world over that.

This is only one small example.

Assertiveness and saying what we need to say, when we need to say it, and how we word things can all be done very differently. We don't have to come through like a bull in a china shop, or be so unyeilding that we shut off any and all communications with others. Because we're not going to get any where for you or the other person.

It doens't mean you're a push over either. It takes more personal strength "not" to react to another individuals behaviors or poor communication skills and reactions than it does to be sucked into an argument which was never our intent in the first place.

Granted there are those people who you may not get any where with that happens, and no matter what you try... you'd be talking to a wall. After a while you'll recognize the difference :)

Mind you! As always, these things usually do not work in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.

Free Thinker ? What IS free thinking?

Freethinking, according to Wikipedia is:

"Freethought holds that individuals should neither accept nor reject ideas proposed as truth without recourse to knowledge and reason. Thus, freethinkers strive to build their beliefs on the basis of facts, scientific inquiry, what's gone by one's own eyes, and logical principles, independent of any factual/logical fallacies or intellectually-limiting effects of authority, cognitive bias, conventional wisdom, popular culture, prejudice, sectarianism, tradition, urban legend, and all other dogmatic or otherwise fallacious principles. As such, when applied to religion, the philosophy of freethought holds that, given presently-known facts, established scientific theories, and logical principles, there is insufficient evidence to support the existence of supernatural phenomena."

How many times have any of you heard someone say something, perhaps with a tone of authority... and you (maybe) take that to be truth without ever questioning the source or examining the facts?

We are so inundated with so much nonsense these days aren't we?

One person says something, we take it as truth, without ever discussing it and trying to find the truth of the matter. To me, it's about an old saying I've heard over and over again ... "there's one side, the other side and then the truth" (not exactly the phrase but you get the idea, right?).

I've always questioned everything and wanted to know why ... we take so many things as truths all the time, every day ... and then we repeat them as if we have no mind of our own.

If we find someone to agree with us, well! We're really batting a thousand aren't we?

What about ... realizing that what's real for another, like thier personal beliefs or what they heard doesn't have to be "real" for us?

Changing up how we see things around us and leaving room for things to be different?

My point is that, nothing in life is engraved in stone. Except maybe death... that's pretty final. Can't do much about that... but the time we have inbetween... so colored over by what other people say, think and/or do... people can walk around quite ... uninformed or misguided ...

I think this is especially true of things that we hear in the media, on fashion shows (what's hot what's not things) ... so many things it's too difficult to make a list that long... well, I could but I don't have all morning!

How about stuff that form beliefs... like ... after 50 you should just lie on the couch and do nothing?

After you retire you have no worth?

After you reach a certain age it's all down hill from there?

You must stay young looking and spend a kajillion dollars on all these products while the makers of these products make sure to touch on people's sense of self and how they look or how to prevent certain things?

What's hot and what's not?

What you should wear and what you should not wear.

You're too OLD for that. (oooh, good one)

The world is a bad place (turn on the news).

Everyone's out to get you.

There are no do gooders in the world today.

You must hate one kind of person because joe shmoe thinks you should.

You must have a particular lifestyle to be happy in life.

You must conform and think inside the box in order to make it anywhere.

Course, some things seem true...

But, what about the rest?

How about old school beliefs we may hold so dear?

What about it folks? Have any other examples of how people are inadvertently put into a box?

I'd like to hear them.

Sue T.
Emotional Awareness & Life Coach
Confidence is Silent. It need not defend itself. It Simply Exists Inside You.
http://www.dsisuet.com/

Your Environment DOES make a difference... Take a look!

Yesterday I went to this store called Trader Joe's. I had never been in there so I asked a woman outside, friendly lady :) ... if she thought they had any cat food/litter inside. She said she wasn't sure but probably.

I asked her what kind of store it was and she told me it was a food store ... I ran into her all throughout the store and we chatted. That happens a lot when you go food shopping, ever notice that? The people you go in with you usually see in the same isles over and over again. Makes for good conversation if you're open to it. I always am, I like to play with people.

Anyway, I go in ... and it's set up like this "perfect" little country store. And I mean "perfect" Just what you needed and some specialty items here and there. They did have cat food but not a big variety, and some new fangled kind of cat litter there that's amazing. I've never seen it before but based on how it's working, I'm going to get it some more. You can even use it later in a mulch bed. (or something like that.... lol)

Now... I have to tell you... that as I walked around this store, in it's little "general store" set up ... I was happy as a clam. I "almost" expected to walk out side and be in a country setting... instead of the hot parking lot and back to reality. (That's just a shame isn't it?)

I was talking to people, laughing, kidding around, just having a grand old time... amusing the devil out of myself.

Course, as always because I see things ... people looked at me funny and the check out girl looked at the checkout guy I was working with and gave him "one of those looks" like... who IS this woman? (No, trust me, it was about me. Shame we're not used to happy people right? Speculation, I know.)

The registers were these little cute thingy's ... and the guy I had was really nice ... and he humored me and answered my plethura of questions and stuff ... I'm very curious about things and when I'm excited it shows. And why not? Huh?

SO! What is my point anyway... Being in this environment, and having it resemble something I love ... like a general store ... which would be in the country and filled with small town people (although it wasn't) shifted my mood... I was happy, and talkative, and just thrilled to death over how comfortable the place felt to me.

Goes to associating places with feelings/emotions.

When I'm in the country, in a little general store, with little items to chose from and not in one of those HUGE buy all here places... I feel more at home. I LIKE the country idea of it. Because I like the country.

Thus, you have my being so friendly, I am usually anyway but... so relaxed and feeling so good, because it's my favorite type of place to be in . That and an antique shop. Love those...

So, here is my question for all of you.

How many of you, pay attention to what makes you feel really good... and identify with it?

Me? I plan on going back there even if it's just for a cookie...

Think about it... then let me know.

Breast Implants - The Alternative

You know, there is so much talk about breast implants and there are women out there who feel like if they have implants it'll make them feel better, look better, improve their confidence etc.,

And some of them, get them and they are as happy as a clam. And that's okay if that's what it takes ... I mean, the choice is theirs, that's fine right?

I can't help but wonder though... as I compiled the list you are going to see ... if it's really necessary ... The following are all women who have smaller breasts ... and I'm not sure who may have teased women who have smaller breasts or what perception they got about women who have bigger breasts that they need to enhance their own ... however, that being said...

It would be a damned shame for someone to tease a young girl or make her feel badly about her breast size ... I never worreid about that ... And neither have these people ... ready?

Sara Jessica Parker (I'm pretty sure she does not have large breasts)
Nicole Kidman
Gwyneth Paltrow
Cameron Diaz
Debra Messing
Anne Hathoway
Michelle Pheifer
Charlize ... theron? (the actress from S. Africa? Anyone know her correct spelling of her name because I couldn't remember)
Kate Boswoth
Hillary Duff
Nicole Richie
Paris Hilton
Jody Foster

I think that's enough... I'm putting this up here because while I realize that there are all kinds of perceptions women get about breast sizes and what's attractive and what's not... if you were EVER teased or felt small (no pun intended) due to someone teasing you or not having developed as you thought you may have wanted to?

I'd REALLY like you to take a look at this list I've made above ... because none of these women have large breasts.

And they're okay ... this is one of those irrational beliefs I feel that women carry around with them due to the things they've heard and seen or that were said about them over the years...

And you know whut? None of them have to be true unless YOU buy into it...

You see?

And I tell ya! Women who do have large breasts, were teased too! Course, some are bombshell's today like Pamela Anderson but her breasts are enhanced too. She wasn't that large on Tool Time years ago.

So not the point I'm trying to make here)

You are perfect just the way you are... okay?

Classy or Trashy?

As a companion post to this last one I just put up, I wrote this one a long time ago, as it pertains to how women view what sexy is... or isn't for that matter. Enjoy :)

Who would you like to be today? Classy or trashy ...

Now yah :) I found a guy swinging around a pole ... haha! BUT ... it's a location thing. (not porn or anything like objectionable just fun stuff) ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVHJKqvuLWc&feature=related

Then I found this one with Beyonce and Christina Aguilera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95RIacdGBXg&NR=1

Sexy women, playing, dancing, entertaining ... but trashy?

Suggestive ... yah, but try to disrespect them. I dare you... there is a big difference between THIS and the location ... and real life and walking around posing like ... heck playboy has more sexy photo's then I've seen some people put photo's up.

Where's the middle ground ladies? Guys?

Self respect right?

Confidence?

Being who you want to be?

Not allowing someone in your personal space unless invited?

Not buying into the fact that there's so much misinformation out there as to what's important?

Come on now...

Distinction in what I'm showing you and how some perceive it is that no one's touching either one of these women w/o being invited ...

I'd take a wild stab in the dark but I'll bet you that neither one of these women would tolerate BAD attention...

What Kind of Attention Do You Want?

I've been wanting to write about this topic for quite some time now. While I'm waiting for my clothes to dry in the dryer I'll see if I can formulate my thoughts on the topic of attention.

Attention, to me, is a double edged sword. We all want attention... we can get attention at any time.

But... what kind of attention is it that people want?

Hmmm?

We can talk about all kinds of attention, but for now I'd like to talk about the attention a young girl seems to think they're supposed to get from the opposite sex.

Okay?

I was recently browsing this young girls page and ... I saw that she had some pretty sexy pictures of herself on her page. They're about ... 18/19 years old. (I forget exactly) and the pictures are all sexy and ... man, I about swallowed my head. Literally...

I thought ... didn't I dress sexy and kid around when I was younger? Yah ... for me I didn't realize what kind of attention that would attract.

Young ladies today have this impression, and so do some older women, that sexy is where it's at. No wonder though, because it's all around us. We can't deny that.

But, what kind of attention is that getting younger more naive young ladies? I stress over this because I have a daughter... who I'm trying to "teach" about attention and what kind, and what it brings to the table.

I never accepted rude attention from people (men/guys/boys) at the same time ... I'd get it, but ... it never occurred to me the backlash certain types of attention "could" have on an individual if they weren't emotionally prepared for it.

Like, a young girl these days ... not all... some, dress sexy and they get attention and everything. Okay, that's fine but what about the girls who think that this is "the only" kind of attention?

Guys thinking they're hot, or sexy, not viewing them as a "person" but an object, if you get my drift.

I can put up, and I have, video's of famous singers who are very sexy... what's missing out of those video's is that, there's a line they draw, I'm sure... in their every day life with those around them.

As to what is appropriate behavior, what is appropriate personal space, appropriate touching, appropriate responses to certain kinds of attention.

But, young ladies are taking this to the extreme. They begin basing being sexy on "this is the only kind of attention to get" because "look at me, I'm hot!" ...

I think that's not the best kind of attention to get. It leads to other things.

And we don't worry about people who "get" that it's only dressing up or dancing.

We/I worry about the people who read into these things, who take advantage of a young lady for being so expressive.

Ladies like attention. Ladies of all ages like attention. Why not? It feels good. I remember a guy friend of mine complimented my eyes last summer. :) Man... I giggled like a hyena. Yes, I really did... LOL ... all blushing and acting like a school girl. I was adorable LOL ... if not really silly. That's how I am... because I know that if someone crosses a certain line with me, that's going to be addressed.

BUT ... at the same time, no boundaries were crossed, the intentions of the person who said it were not under speculation and I know them.

What about when women are starved for attention? What about when young girls think that this is the only way to be liked or viewed?

I've dressed up sexy, so many times, I don't have enough fingers and toes. The way I carry myself, and the way I respond to people and who I am... is all about setting boundaries, deflecting bad behaviors from others, about respect and disrespect and not tolerating certain types of attention. Even when I was younger, like this young girls page I saw ... I still had that ... uh, I guess you could say attitude of "can't touch this" but I like to dress up.

People/young ladies/women can become confused as to the type of attention they're getting when they act sexy or dress up.

The type of attention they should be getting, may be way off from the type of attention that they "are" getting. Sexual attention is flattering. Sure it is... who doesn't want someone attracted to them?

I submit though, that there's more to a young lady/woman than just sexual attraction.

The best kind of attention, to me, is having a person like me ... not because I'm sexy or attractive ... although I respect that this can come first, and for me too. They should take the time to get to know me, hang out, enjoy each others company, see if past the sexy, the attraction, and all that superficial stuff ... if we really like each other.

I think this is such an important aspect of being a young lady. And there are still plenty women out there who believe that, as they get older that this attraction, through being sexy ... is all there is the rest will follow. It's not true ...

Anyone can have sex. Anyone can look sexy, dress sexy, talk sexy ... but after that, what's left?

It's also part of, in my humble opinion, a part of why some older women fall into the pattern of thinking that attraction is more important then getting to know a man. Why they are afraid to tell a man "no" who approaches them and it turns out to be only for sex. So they go through one person after the other, never truly liking a guy, because they haven't considered ... doing anything differently or they never realized that there was another way.

Let's face it, sexy commercials and video's have been around a hellofa long time now. It's not that difficult to see how women could develope this belief.

I submit, that young ladies "can" be sexy and cute. So can older women, BUT in the long run, you decide what kind of attention is acceptable to you, what you are going to set a boundary with guys about, what you are putting out there, you're going to get.

I think, most women want to be cherished and appreciated for "who they are" ... I think, we forget to teach this at an early age and these misconceptions spread from one generation to the other.

Sexy's nice... but what kind of attention do you want?

You see?

After the relationship is over ...

How is it that people in a relationship, know what the problems are in their relationships, but ... they still resist doing what their partner is requesting (providing it's a nice healthy relationship based on mutuality, compromise etc., and not an abusive relationship, again! gotta put this in here!) "even though" they know if they make an adjustment, that things could inevitably get better.

Then, after the couple breaks up, the other person, almost always and I've seen this happen... Makes those changes in their next relationship, for the better! AGH!

Gack! What is THAT all about?

This phenomenon never ceased to amaze me. Because I've had ex's who've done almost "exactly" what I'd said I had a problem with in their next relationship. Can ya just "stand it!"

I have a theory. Our closest relationships growning up was a parent. That, is a type of intimate relationship. Right?

Sure it is.

So, we take those "blocks" if you will, or old patterns of relating to someone "with us" (as you know or may not know) into our personal relationships.

Right?

Sure.

We resist anyone "telling" us what to do, because we're not children anymore, yet the thing that we're missing when we "ask" for something is to "ask" and be clear on what we need.

And the thing is, we need to let our significant other know this as well. "To ask" not "TELL" is really important, to "suggest" not "demand" is very important...

I mean, you are an adult now, yes?

Sure. :)

So you have the ability to design how your relationships, as an adult are. You have the ability to decide what you want in your relationships and then to work towards that goal of a happier healthier relationship.

And this goes both ways too... for saying so's sake.

Something, that to me, goes neck'n'neck with this, is how we can run into an ex ... right? And sit down and go through memory lane with them, and little by little, time permitting ... talk out everything that bothered us "at that time" ... and walk away with that feeling or sense of closure.

Right?

Sure.

But, see... now here's the thing.

We're so busy "fighting" in the relationship to be "heard" that we barracade ourselves from being hurt by our partner, by not truly listening to what they're saying, NOR being clear on what WE ourselves wanted in the first place!

So since we're busy not wanting to get hurt, when the emotional end of things wear off and fear isn't as prevalent, it's "then" that we feel safe to discuss these things.

AFTER the break up.

Now, :) I've done this myself so, I can say that this is ass backwards folks.

So the thing is,

Being clear on what we'd like and need.

Being able to express it to our partner.

Realizing that our partner "is not our parent" and someone to fight to be an individual with, but to grow with and to learn to share. You are not your parents, nor do you have to fight with your partner to prove it, :)

Give yourself time to cool off and reflect what it is that you'd like to express to your partner. Then make time to talk about it after you've become clear on what it is that bothered you.

Learn to ask, suggest, and be open to not only YOUR concerns and fears but theirs as well.

Learn how to listen. :) Because that's just as important.

Learn how to make it safe for the two of you to open up to one another, by listening first (sometimes we have to do that FIRST before being heard).

Learn how to say, I'm sorry.

Identify and pay attention to YOUR patterns of relating to someone so that you can change. Yesssssssss, you do have to change as well.

Why would you toss a perfectly good relationship, by being stubborn?

Hmmmm? Why wait till it's over to do the things that will enhance your relationship?

Now, I'm not talking about things you're dead set against, or that you may find goes against everything you believe in, and everyone's relationship is different, but can you just imagine how many relationships go right down the sh*tter just because people are stubborn?

Because they wait until years after they've broken up for closure and to truly express how they felt at the time? As opposed to expressing it at the time?

And no blame games please.

Think about what you want. Be clear. Don't send mixed messages to your partner. THAT isn't going to help anybody.

I also know that when you're starting a relationship you need to pay attention to what kind of person you're dealing with.

Instead of falling prey to that "attraction" in the beginning. Attraction is always going to be there ... but "who" that person is, taking the time to see if you are interested in them as a person (which by the way, makes sex better) is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

Life is like frying up potatoes

I was just slicing up some onion and some boiled potatoes to fry up (yum!). There were a lot of pototatoes and initially I was slicing them nice and thin, so they would get all crispy like I like them.

As I sliced, I started thinking about what I wanted to do today, the slices became larger, and I found myself hurrying to finish faster so I could cook them and get back to my "other stuff" to do today.

What in the h*ll does this have to do with life? Well... I'll tell you my thought process ...

It goes to patience, and taking our time with certain processes. Initially, we are patient and we go slowly into personal growth one step at a time. More things come up that we would like to work on and we start going a little faster assuming that we just need to get it done.

What happens when we do this is we miss out on all the important things that come from taking our time and having patience with the process of getting to know ourselves better.

Of enjoying life because we just hurried through it without taking our time to make things as we want them. We want them too fast, we become impatient, we forget that it's all about what we want and the results thereafter.

Maybe I'm only talking about slicing up potatoes and onions for breakfast, yet if you think about it ... if we don't have patience with ourselves, if we don't recognize that these things can often take some extra TLC and time with ourselves ... then we could end up not having exactly what we really wanted.

Crispy tasty potatoes. :) (Or is it, the life we want to create?)

Thoughts?

Sue T.
Emotional Awareness & Life Coach
Confidence is Silent. It need not defend itself. It Simply Exists Inside You.
http://www.dsisuet.com/


OH OH! OR like Beef stew! You can't rush good beef stew can you? NOPE!

Keep your friends out of a box ...

"If you treat an individual as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be."
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The first thing that came to me when I read this was a friend of mine who teases me about burning things when I was in my early 20's. Cooking and me ... well, lets just say those glass pots didn't help!

It's been close to ... 20 years and he still laughs and pokes fun at me. Truth is, I still burn stuff now and then and it's really funny! And I don't mind, because you know, I cook good things too. Lets see if I can still say that after Easter this year. I'm helping cook at his house.

BUT ... where I'm going with this is sometimes we keep our friends and family in a "box" by always reminding them of their mistakes, not being as supportive of them as we could be, not acknowledging them for "who they are today" and perhaps "what their goals and aspirations are" TODAY in the here and now ...

I think that's not so good ... I mean imagine going to a friend or family member and having them remind you of how scattered you always were and what makes you think that you can accomplish "plah" today?

That's pretty undermining isn't it? Try to view an old person in a new light. You may be surprised what some support from those closest to you may yeild.

Course, not all friends and family are as supportive as we need. We do need different kinds from time to time. So seek other support systems or groups to help you too.

We all need some support at any given moment. Just because you may not be getting it from family and friends, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

What do you think? :)

Freedom is not procured by full enjoyment...

"Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling the desire."
— Epictetus


To me, this means to take the time to truly focus on the results we want in our lives.

When we realize we're miserable, because sometimes we assume that we're unable to control our environments or those in it, (And not in the sense of controlling another person but in making wiser choices and not being a victim of "circumstance") we find ourselves at a point where we can actually "see" that we can make a difference.

The thing is, while we've now discovered that we can play a hand in our own lives without being dragged from circumstance to circumstance, we may grow impatient. It may not happen "fast enough" for us.

We assume that because things don't get better "overnight" that things will "never" get better.

And, this is the farthest thing from the truth.

Restructuring our lives, takes effort. It takes personal insights into what is not working in our lives, and then personal decisions and actions towards what we "do" want in our lives.

And all the while we're doing that, there will be some fear, some self doubt, some wondering if this can truly be done.

If a person were to become impatient, when their efforts yield little to no results "initially" and they quit focusing on the things that they want. They're inevitably going to fail.

Because they gave up too soon.

Some change, like ... say finances, that takes planning. Right? Restructuring.

The same holds true for relationships and restructuring and deciding how you'd like your relationships to be, to "Truly" be.

It doesn't mean you're giving up who you are, but truly "deciding" who you are and what you want. And this is "Okay."

The same holds true for your job, your every day life, and the choices you make in it.

Baby steps as a person builds confidence in their ability to truly have what they want in their life, is not a bad thing. It, to me, is a necessary step in achieving what they "thought" they wanted because "now" they're actually "thinking" about it vs. being swept away with circumstance.

As their confidence builds they learn to communicate what they want, what is not acceptable, and in this, they learn how to accept that they're "worth" it.

There is something that people neglect to remember. That is that it's every human beings right to chose to accept or discard certain things in their lives.

There is twist in this... something that is helpful to know is that when we focus on our needs "as well as" what the needs of those around us are, resolution and positive movement forward (except in abusive relationships, always hvae to put this here) WILL happen.

Sometimes we need to learn to "listen first" (this isn't the easiest thing on earth when we "want" something) because it's much more difficult to work with someone who's defensive and may feel put off by "our" changes for the better.

(i.e., being left behind, what will it mean in their life when we make this change? I liked things the way they were, feeling as though they are left to their own devices in some cases because perhaps you've decided to stop "doing" for everyone else, and began doing for yourself ... can you come up with some?)

Realizing that to have patience with this newfound thought process that you don't have to just go situation to situation with no control as to the outcome, is an interesting yet frightening idea. Because you'll have to assert yourself.

Be patient with your process of realizing that you can have what you want, and change your life. You have to "practice" changing how you think, practice remembering that YOU have a say vs. assuming that going along with what everyone else is doing is going to yield you better results.

Take your time, be specific in what you want ... and begin doing it. If your desires out weight your initial ability to "know" what to do, you may give up too soon.

And we don't want you to do that. :)

Keep doing it, keep at it, and remember to have patience with yourself.

Sue T

Sharing and feeling vulnerable

Have you ever shared an emotion with some one? Sure we all have right?

But have you shared an emotion with some one when you were feeling down and vulnerable and then when they come back to you with soft suggestions and thoughts to help you through.

You minimize your own emotions and say something like "oh it's not so bad" .. or "this will pass"?

I think we do it all the time. I think people assume that if they are vulnerable to another person that they may be perceived as weak.

Is this true? Is the world so wrapped up on protecting itself that common normal emotions, like pain, abandonment, fears, anxieties or a thought that comes springing up from seemingly no where can be expressed and then quickly hidden away in the deep recesses of our minds?

Why is that?

I have a saying. I've used it often in my own life. It's simple and I'm sure you all may have heard it before ... "Don't mistake kindness for weakness"....

Doesn't that apply to everybody? I mean, when we hurt or we share something with another human being, who will listen and help us to feel better. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, that's when the real growth within ourselves starts.

How?

Because we're being honest about what we feel on the inside. And when we're honest with someone else, it helps us to be more honest with ourselves ... I mean this is what living is all about isn't it?

Having some one to talk to? A friend, colleage, (a coach :) ) , or even sometimes a perfect stranger. After all a well chosen perfect stranger can often times offer up the best advise ever. Want to know why?

Because they have YOU standing in front of them, as a clean slate. They know nothing of your mistakes in life, who you were, what you've accomplished or not accomplished for that matter.

All they see is YOU ...

What I'm saying, before I turn in today, is that in those weakest moments ... where we want to turn the world off and just let go of all the bad things we've been through or our fears of what may or may not come, THAT is when we have the greatest opportunity in life to grow ... because that's the time to examine why we feel in such a way.

It may hurt some. True.

But I'll tell you this. It will hurt much more to hide not only from opening up to others, but from yourself as well.

So who do you talk to? You can talk to a trusted friend; you can talk to me! :) I just had to put that in here. You can join a support group depending on the topic of what it is you'd like to share ... People have many outlets in life to share with others how they truly feel.

Initially you may experience some anxiety because you may feel that some one may not listen to you or maybe you wont' be accepted. I know how you feel. Believe me, when I first got into this profession I had and still do have so many good ideas and I was anxious to express them.

How did I get past it? Practice. By degrees I began opening up to expressing things in groups or on teleclasses, during phone calls and through select friends.

And little by little the feeling of anxiety passed and it was replaced with a sense of confidence.

Who not to talk to? Anyone who would minimize knowingly or unknowingly how you feel ... Who are they? You'll know ... because you won't feel heard or understood.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sue T

Shifting Perspectives

Ever watch a child defy their parent?

Ever watch a child speak his/her mind?

Ever watch a child go running off into uncertain danger w/o a care in the world?

Ever watch a child be spontaneous and just laugh like crazy? (my favorite thing to do by the way)

Ever watch a child stand up to someone twice their size and say NO! ROFL!

Ever watch a child set a boundary with another child for taking their toy, and POP them? :) (funny, but not so funny)

Okay SUE get to the point! I AM!

Okay ... so... see how bold they are? Yes...

So I submit for your consideration to take pointers from the children for their boldness.

I submit that while some behaviors need to be tempered and taught ... that we're born with great spirit. Anything else in life that hinders that is all what?

Taught ... perceived, seen, beliefs develop, confidence is shaken, thoughts become uncertain etc.,

So... pretend ... for a moment you could rethink (and you can) all the things that you've come to believe today.

Take fear for example... fear, to me is taught. (unless being attacked, that's not the kind I'm talking about) ... look at that kid over there hanging perilously upside down on the monkey bars... "NO FEAR" ...

Mommy goes over there scared to death that the kids going to crack their head open ... fear is taught. Not to be mean ... of course. We want our childs brain in tact right? Of course we dooo... and as a mommy it's our thing to protect our children.

A child wants a cookie... they will sneak in that kitchen and swipe that cookie when you're not looking! Whut? You don't think so?

They make no apology even if they're caught! LOL ...

Are you following me? This is a thought process I've had that I wanted to share for a while... it's about redefining who we are... and I keep thinking about each of our life experiences to this point.

And how we dont have to do things the way we were taught really ... we can change these things at any time we want to...

You see?

Am I being clear? I'm really trying to be :)

Hindsight is NOT 20/20 ...

If you were to think back on any given situation, where one would say "Hindsight is 20/20" would you agree, on some level that we saw THEN what we see so clearly NOW but ignored it?

Does this make sense?

I submit for your thought processes, that hindsight is NOT 20/20 but we see things right up front, but chose to ignore the signs or what we are seeing.

We logic them away, we make excuses, we make allowances for certain things and give the benefit of the doubt, or we assume someone is just having a bad day ... things like this happen all the time.

So ... the thing is, hindsight is NOT 20/20 ... we saw it all along ... we kind of, perhaps ... wished it away.

Sometimes because we are taught to think logically and not go by our instincts.

Sometimes because perhaps we want something so badly we are willing to make trade offs where we should not.

Sometimes because we give "too much" of the benfit of the doubt in the hopes that we are wrong.

Sometimes, we haven't developed the confidence in ourselves to recognize when we've nailed something right on the head, and we doubt ourselves as to what we're truly seeing.

Sometimes... simply, we just make excuses for bad behavior.

BUT ... again, I submit, for your thought processes that Hindsight is NOT 20/20. Because if it were...we wouldn't see those things so clearly later.

We just dismissed them initially ... for other reasons.

So, I'd submit, for your thought processing pleasure ... if you'd like to build up your confidence in your intuition, and really pay attention (be consciously aware of things) you think about times when you may have said "hindsight is 20/20" and then take it one step further ... and admit to yourself...

That you saw it at the time, but chose to ignore it. However, on some level you were right on target with what you saw.

I'm not saying to beat yourself up over this ... I am saying to start giving yourself some credit for seeing things as they truly are. To be aware of things so that you don't have to say "hindsight is 20/20" ...

Am I being clear? I woke up way too early today, and I need a nap...

:)

Does Your Mind Take a Vacation When You Need it Most?

Sometimes we may link assertiveness up with personal loss. Perhaps we were assertive and spoke our mind to someone and this appeared or did result in us losing that person. This can put a damper on how you handle situations in your future where you need to be assertive because you are now linking up being assertive with loss, or a negative outcome.

If I may, something to keep in mind, although I respect that this fear is real... is those that we have lost in the past or rejected us in the past ... were not supposed to remain.

There isn't a person that I can think of whom I've had to be assertive with or set a boundary with whose disappearance was to my detriment. Depending on who we lost and how close we felt to them at the time can quite easily be linked up together. What happens is a person links up a great trait with a negative outcome. Which, I understand completely. What's happened is a belief has planted itself in your mind that when you're assertive, you lose people. This does not necessarily have to be 100% true.

Have you had any experiences with people whom, perhaps you have been assertive and there were good results? I ask you this because in order to change a belief we need to come up with proof that it is false. So we can give the new belief a foundation which can be built upon as you recognize that the two are improperly linked together. Does this make sense? :)

When someone else's actions make you crabby and withdraw, people go through mentally what is called dissociation. You're mind goes bye bye, to protect itself from an impending threat or from a fear it has as to what it is confronting in that moment.

Here is a definition: (Wikipedia.org)

"Dissociation is a state of acute mental decompensation in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, and/or memories are compartmentalized because they are too overwhelming for the conscious mind to integrate. "

Simply put, your mind goes buh bye, while the rest of you is standing there, not knowing what to do with itself.

Many people go through this. It can happened more in closer relationships which are important to you which links up to the fear of loss. It's also tied neatly into other instances in life, thereby making it an even bigger trigger.

One thing that helps greatly is realizing that those who I may have lost by being assertive I wasn't supposed to have in my life. However the trigger it left behind was the pain of losing the individual.

Setting boundaries with others, is some thing which can help you. I understand that if you may have some difficulty addressing someone, setting a boundary may feel difficult as well. Here is a link which provides excellent information on it as well as exercises as well you may find helpful.

http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

Here is a wonderful link on being assertive. If you click on the home page, (the link is upper left hand corner), then click home scroll down to the bottom you can type in the term "assertive" and then click the dot which is located below the search box, which searches the site itself. It will give you several resources which you may find helpful.

http://www.coping.org/relations/assert.htm

Dissociation can be caused through abusive relationships, can be related to post traumatic stress, and/or anything that may have caused another person an emotional trama.

Learning how to express yourself can be done in an online group as well. While writing can bring a feeling of anxiousness as well it's a step in the right direction towards learning how to express yourself within a group of like minded people. I remember when I first got into coaching I'd put a post out into this old group and the anxiety I had when I posted something that expressed my views was ... well, deafening. Over time, after seeing rational responses and having intelligent, sharing conversations with so many people the fears subsided.

You may be wondering why I have not spelled out the steps you can take, and instead posted a link to an external site. Reason being is that it is up to you to take the time and learn about how to overcome being afraid of being assertive. I also don't want to recreate the wheel when there is so much good information out there.

Hope this helps!

Concrete Doesn't Stop the Grass from Growing ...

I have a question. :)

Have you ever seen grass grow? "between concrete"? Well have you? or a weed or a small tree just break it's way through concrete and if left alone the concrete what? Gives away ... doesn't it...

What once started as a small seed ... grows into a mighty oak.

The concrete is permanent. Or so it thinks if it were alive ... yet the seed doesn't know this because it's never discussed this with the concrete. It just decided that it wanted to grow and to be a big tree...

Thus you have your idea. A seedling. Do you see concrete? Or do you see... something that will move as you push through.

It's the same thing in life. If no one ever told you that you could not succeed would you react differently and move forward faster?

What if no one ever said bad things, it didn't exist and comparison to other was only about using what somebody else knows to help grow yourself?

What if emotions were simply our bodies and mind telling us that it's time to shift and change?

To grow ... up and through concrete.

Concrete in life can be looked at as if it were scar tissue that we can get due to events that have happened in life which hurt us. If you look at a scar that you get, say on your knee, the skin in that spot is never the same. Yet you heal and move on, hope for the best.

Now after you got that scar did you say, Oh I can't walk down the stairs anymore? Because I got hurt?

No. You still had to use the stairs but maybe you're a little more cautious this time, more thought to your solutions and what choices to make.

Maybe! You decided to take the elevator!

Either way, you decide to not focus on the scar. It's the same thing with anything you want to do in your life.

While we are not a blade of grass wandering mindlessly through concrete, we do have the opportunity to rethink and reorganize our thoughts and learn how to do things better next time.

So how about you? Are you a seedling whose going to turn into a mighty oak? Or are you concrete ? :) Stiff and unyeilding.

If we think about it, the concrete could be alot of those necessary losses in life. Like toxic relationships, people stuck in one mindset and not coming out or refusing to see things differently.

Quiet Self Sabotage

I love quiet self-sabotage. Don't you? :)

Quiet self-sabotage is that dirty little scoundrel who makes you do other things which are also a priority, and all the while, you're putting off doing something you really need.

Lets use working out as an example. Okay?

Say you want to work out. That's a great goal, and something you really want to do.

So you decide on a plan, put it off a little bit, I think many people do this. Then "finally" you win out over the inner brat who "doesn't wanna" do it. For a variety of reasons I might add.

Now, you know you want to work out, maybe you've started, but your inner brat doesn't wanna one day. You're not really paying it much mind initially because you've developed a routine.

You decide to push working out off until later. It's for a really good reason. Maybe you decided to do your spring cleaning or change the oil in the car, or maybe you needed that extra 1/2 hour of sleep because you went to bed too late the night before (mind you that could be on purpose too, for the perfect "reason" as to why you wouldn't be able to get up early and work out) maybe you're doing things and the kids are in the room you'd need to use, so you want to wait till they're doing something else (instead of setting up a boundary with them to leave you be while you go work out).

So many reasons, so little time. They are, truly, all very valid reasons. You're doing something, at times, which are a priority... so you can easily brush off the thought that you "intentionally" blew off working out. Because you accomplished SO MUCH(!) that day.

The reality is, that your inner brat won. :) Sneaky little bugger isn't it?

Yes, it is a sneaky little bugger.

So the questions become, why are you allowing the inner brat to win, thereby making you feel badly about yourself, on an internal level (like self loathing, self consciousness, feeling out of shape, self esteem issues, etc., I think you get the picture.) when you can say "oh shut up! I see what you're doing to yourself! I'm going to fit this in no matter what you say!

Never underestimate the inner brat's ability to deter you from what you really want to do. This is called resistance. It quietly morphs into this big goony goo goo monster, subtly distracting you from what you need to do for yourself, but in a manner that "still" makes you feel that you've done good things and accomplished priority matters.

Interesting how that works isn't it? I think so... :)

This thought process can be applied to many other things as well. Pay attention ... you'll see it. I promise.

Then you can address the inner brat w/rewards and the consequences of it's subtle manipulation. Funny how that works isn't it?

Sue T.