I called a friend of mine at a business I used to work for the other day, a young woman answered the phone and advised me that my friend wasn't there. She proceeded to talk to me and ask me how I am. I answered a few of her questions then proceeded to ask her about herself. She responded in saying how she was back together with her husband. She didn't sound too convincing, so I asked if she was happy? Her reply was, "I guess so" ... and then changed the topic.
She then went on to tell me how she was supposed to go out to a bar with a friend of hers on Saturday night but that her friend has changed her mind. After listening to her complain about her friend I said, "Well maybe she's tired and simply doesn't want to go out. Are you saying that what you want to do is more important than how your friend feels"? I mean, come on, lets face it folks sometimes we simply change our minds and would rather do something else. She continued to complain and further went on to call her friend a name, which I will not repeat. I said, "Are you saying that because she doesn't want to go out that makes it ok for you to be angry like this with her? Has it occurred to you that she is tired and simply changed her mind? Have you considered her feelings as opposed to chastising her"?
I was interupted and told she had to get the other phone. Experience would tell me this was her way of avoiding my comments in their entirety. When this young woman didn't get me to play her game or empathize with her "plight", she cut me off and hung up.
My train of thought after this was quite simple. To me this is indicative of an individual with controlling behaviors. The people in her life are accountable "to" her for every little tiny detail and god forbid you strayed from your initial choice, because this would mean that you weren't a friend and further, that you couldn't possibly care about her. In order to avoid being badgered, put down, yelled at and called names, most would give in and simply do what she wanted them to do. I've met people such as this before. It's one of those scenario's where it's 100% all about them. Having met her in the past, I know this to be true.
To be fair and reasonable, lets look at the other side of the coin. Another way to view this, from a coaching stand point is that this young woman has no idea who she is, how to get her needs met or how to convey those needs to others. She uses manipulation, anger and controlling tactics to bend people to her will.
In order for her to have a healthy relationship with her spouse or the people in her life, she needs to become very clear in what she wants and then further how to express herself to those around her. Certainly her behavior now can get her what she wants, however to me it's a cry for help.
The sad part about this situation is that she cannot see how she is contributing to this situation, nor stepping all over the people in her life. In her attempts to protect herself, which is the reality of what she is doing, it indicates to me that regardless of her attempts to control the outcome of the things in her life, she is adding to her own turmoil without ever stopping to ask why.
For now it may seem as though she has control over her life because, lets face it, she is getting her way over and over again through being so difficult. However, in the long term, her actions will eventually alienate the very people she needs, wants and loves the most in her life.
What I'm saying here today is that for every action there is a reaction. At some point and time everything will blow up in her face and what happens next, if she doesn't recognize her own contributions to the situation, is that she very well may blame everyone around her for "letting her down", without ever stopping to ask herself why. Here are a few questions to consider regarding situations such as this that you may find yourself caught up in, or even behaving as such.
Q: Do you know someone like this? If so, how do you handle the situation?
Q: What can be done in order to have more mutual understanding where both parties can be heard and understood?
Q: Are you willing to make the changes necessary to set higher boundaries, express yourself, and further to make changes and improve the relationship?
Self Confidence Tip of Today: It's very simple, if you are finding that someone is taking advantage of your good nature, you should address how it makes you feel. Start from the heart, express to them that it hurts you when they speak to you this way, and further if they continue to speak to you in this manner, you will not have a conversation with them until they are sympathetic and understanding of your feelings as well. The first time you attempt this, in some cases the person may argue or stare at you as if you have two heads. Realistically it could be that perhaps no one ever told them how over bearing they were and you are the first. Sometimes people truly do not realize the damage they cause by behaving in this manner and will change if confronted about it. You do have to stick to your guns though! Should they resort back to behaving in a manner that is dismissing how you feel, you must bring it up again, and then follow through with your actions. Sometimes, sadly we have to remove that person from our lives. It can be painful to have to do that for many reasons. However in viewing this realistically, if you don't, you will be allowing this person to treat you badly and disrespectfully for the years to come. The choice is yours and you have one life to live and more friends to make.
I have a great link to Oprah's site which describes personal boundaries and how to begin to set them:
Oprah/Setting Boundaries.
If you have any comments you would like to share with me, please feel free to post here in reply, I believe I've set that up correctly or in the alternative you may write me at DreamScapeInt2005@yahoo.com
I hope you've enjoyed my first blog and please come back as with practice I know they're going to simply get better and better!
Sue T.
Professional & Personal Life Coach
Designing the Many Facets of Life
