Dream Scape International

Toes in the water, Ass in the sand...

2010-06-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

That's the lyrics in a song I'm listening to. The fella was like, "life is good today" ... I thought, my god that's perfect. Sitting there on the beach, toes in the water, ass in the sand with a cold beer in your hand. (just one or two, unless you have to drive) I'm not a fan of drinking in the heat but relaxing and having no place in particular to go sure seems enticing.

Body kissed by the sun, what a great description. Don't you think? I do... There's so much trash in musi today where they're just "out there" with references about sex, dating and drugs too. I'm on the polite end of things because I don't think we need to get all that raunchy when we've got a perfectly good imagination going for us.

I mean can you just visualize sitting some where by yourself, relaxing, having nothing to do? Maybe bring a significant other with you or just a friend period.

Sometimes, in life, we get trapped up in our responsibilities and forget to take time for ourselves. We wistfully think about when we're going to take that vacation or when we're going to sit back and do nothing specific. Those youthfull carefree times seem so far away. And to think, we were bored back then. Remember that?

I keep thinking about how the whole world is in such a hurry. I was talking to a guy from Illinois yesterday, he was so laid back and a pleasure to talk to I wondered why I live where I live. The energy of everyone around me can feel pretty draining, the stress of the hussle and bussle in every day life really can take it's toll on a person. Never mind the energy emitted from those around us that can be over powering as well.

I went up to New York State to visit some friends of mine a couple weeks ago and every morning I would get up and take a couple mile walk. Nothing but me and my music, fresh air, some hills and woods all around me. I have to say, my step was lighter, I felt better mentally, phyisically and emotionally too. I had a couple hours of uninterupted thought for two whole days in a row. Now, I don't know about you but that kind of therapy feels so good, you don't even want to think about going back to the city.

I started thinking about this adult ADD stuff and how we've mistakenly assumed that with all the technology in the world today making things faster so we can do more, the pressure put on us by our employer, tight schedules we have schlepping the kids around, cleaning the house, paying bills, etc., that we've bogged ourselves down so much that we can't hep but be over whelmed. Then we slap a label/diagnosis on it and POOF... another "something" for doctors to diagnose and give us a little pill for.

What about, realizing we're cramming too much garbage into one day? What about learning how to streamline what we're doing asking for help, setting things up so we have some quiet time to ourselves? Even if that means we get up before everyone in the house does and just sitting there... doing absolutely nothing. Course, if you live with someone who hasn't grasped this concept, they may get restentfull that you've got free time and they don't. You'll have to help them out a little bit so they feel as good as you're going to.

Folks, these are the simple things in life that we lose sight of, or never thought of before. We NEED to take care of ourselves in order to feel good. Otherwise, life is just going to bog you down. Emotionally, physically, mentally... I promise you it will bog you down. You can only ignore it for so long.

As drove home from N.Y. State, I felt the stress settle into my lower back, down into my knee (where it seems to have migrated to) and I knew I was going home, back to all the congestion, polluted air, crazy drivers with no courtesy, defensive people and demanding job.

Most of it's self imposed. We're so pre-conditioned by things that we forget to take care of ourselves.

Here's my prescription for today...

Learn to delegate...
Learn to ask for help...
Learn to streamline your life...
Learn how to relax...
Get up earlier...
Find something that soothes your mind on a daily basis... my almost favorite "something" is my music. This iPod I just bought was the best thing I've ever purchased.
Laugh often, make it a deep belly laugh :) because those are the best kind.

I have a motive too behind this post, I want the people around me relaxed too. All that negative stressed energy adds to my own. No matter how much I block it out, deflect it or ignore it... it seeps into my system when I'm not looking...

So, last but not least, chose people to be around who don't ooze sludge from their very being... You can feel the difference if you pay attention. Little by little you can eliminate being around them as much.

Anyway, food for thought this morning. I'm going to listen to some more of my music.

I'll Scold You & Stand By You Too

2010-06-06T05:53:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure how to entitle this post, tried my best. A young lady, 20 years old, had a fender bender the other day. I happened to be driving up the exit, saw a car like hers, saw she was out of the car in a gas station parking lot, pulled up on the curb, onto the sidewalk and got out to see if everything was okay.

I would have gotten out to help anyway but there are a slew of guys who stand there loitering around every day looking to be picked up for work. They had all migrated towards where she was standing exchanging information with the other driver. This didn't sit well with me. I have a pretty over protective nature and I wasn't having her stand out there all by herself. Not only that but I think it was her first auto accident too and that's pretty scarey stuff, never mind how the other driver could have been reacting.

As I got out of the car and approached the scene, my adrenaline began pumping, anticipating any nonsense I may have to contend with either from those guys who had migrated down there "to see" and/or any attitude the other driver may be dishing out. You just never know how a person is going to act, so I was prepared for anything. I was calm too, mind you, if that's possible with all that adrenaline going through my system, the intention was to help, not make it worse.

I get down there, I put myself between this young lady and the men standing there, ask her if she's okay... wait until the other driver got in her car and as we were going to move along, this skanky guy comes over with his eye on this young lady. To me, that's like slapping a lion on the nose when he's eating, he's going to bite you if you give him just cause. That's where my mind was at... and the adrenaline started pumping all over again.

Mainly because he was a skanky fella and I saw the way he looked at her. It wasn't an innocent look and I wasn't having that. He offered the suggestion of giving the other driver some money to make her go away (the moron). I advised him we have insurance for that. He said he was a truck driver and he just knows some stuff... and all the while he never took his eyes off my little friend and I never took my eyes off him. I thanked him for his advise, turned to my friend and told her to get in the car. When she was in it, door closed and car in gear, I walked up to where my car was, got in and waited to see her get back into traffic.

She said, when we got to the office, she was happy to see me. :) I told her that no matter what I say to her in the advise arena, whether or not I agree with some of the decisions she makes (she's a baby to me at 20 years old :))... that I would defend her when necessary. I didn't say it "just this way" but this is the general idea. It was just a surface scratch along the paint and that got buffed out brand new, so that was a good thing

My point here folks is that sometimes people in our life will truly let us "have it" when we mess up. This never means that this same person won't go to bat for you when it gets down and dirty. Sometimes the scolding or advise we get from someone may make us think this person's angry with us or won't have our back but that's simply not true.

There's standing up to someone for the right things, there's standing up for someone when they don't realize they need it and there's being there for someone as they learn the ropes in life. Never assume because someone may scold you or give you "what for" on any particular issue that you can't go to them or that they won't be there for you. They're two seperat animals... okay? :)

Just my thoughts this morning...

Praise and Self Satisfaction

2010-06-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

I am an avid ebay shopper. I like getting more for my money! Don't you? I recently, accidentally, purchased an Apple iPod with so much music capacity it amazes the mind. How all that stuff/music/movies/podcasts, etc., fits on this shinny little thing is beyond me. But, I digress... I was playing with my new toy here this morning, tickled to death, yet little confused still as to how to use it and I thought, "oh! I have to go and leave feedback!"

I logged into ebay, went to the area where you leave feedback and wrote how satisfied I am with my purchase. Which is VERY satisfied. The ipod is a refurbished ipod that I was bidding on for fun. Meaning, I liked the price of it and so in the last 4 minutes of bidding, I put 148.50, then 151.92 (imagine winning by .02?) and I clicked submit and it said, "Congratulations! You won!" I was like... Oh hell... LOL. And that's how I became the proud owner of my new toy. So, since I got it at a discount, I bought every adapter known to man for it, also at a discounted price which did bring me up to the full price I would have paid, yet if you think about it, I still saved money because the adapter for the car alone would have been $70.00 and I got it for $17.99. I bought all the other adapters, chargers, screen protecters etc., for a mere $13.99! Man, I tell you, saving money sure makes me happy. Course, this purchase was on accident this time and I had some misgivings about spending the money for the ipod, but since I love music so much, I figure the universe must think I needed one.

Anyway, I've digressed again, not shocking. So, I went and left feedback because I was so impressed with the condition of this refurbished ipod! While I was in that window, there is a section you go where the sellers give feedback about the purchaser. I have quite a number of them there, like I said, I am an avid shopper. I never make a purchase unless I have money in my paypal account or the adjoining account because if I don't have the cash, I'm not charging anything and living beyond my means. Just makes good sense to me.

I start reading some of the feedback left by the sellers for me. I realize that these people don't know me. Yet, it's interesting how our actions really do show others a little bit about who we are and further, how much they appreciate it. It all may seem silly but I assure you that when you have a good transaction/dealing with someone, you are impressed. I usually am anyway.

So, I'm reading through the feedback left for me, all saying prompt payment and great to work with, excellent buyer, all giving me A+++++ at the end of their statements... and I start feeling pretty good. I find myself grinning, then smiling, then my mood lifted a little bit and I thought how such a small thing, this feedback from complete strangers made me feel lighter.

My body began to release some apparent tension I didn't realize was there, I felt pleased at the comments and then I felt proud of myself. See, we can talk all we want about certain things but all that talk doesn't mean anything unless we back it up with action. To me, I talk about budgeting and money issues with my friends all the time. My accomplishment here, which these people didn't realize they were complimenting, is the work I have done on managing my finances better. I don't just slap things on a credit card because I have poor impulse control or because everyone else has one. I save the cash, I do research on an item and then I make a purchase on the spot. That's a nice accomplishment. Especially since the world seems to run on impulse and instant gratification so often.

Every time I read a postive compliment from these seller's it reminded me of my accomplishments. That's a pretty good feeling!

My point is that we should never underestimate how good it is to receive praise or postive feedback from someone. One thing leads to another and before you know it, you can feel pretty good about yourself. Don't forget to praise someone else either... if it feels that good to you, imagine how good you can make someone else feel :)

That's my thought for today!

Defining Where You Want to Be Included...

2010-05-09T04:35:00.000-07:00

We, as human beings, like to have a sense of belonging and to be a part of something. It's a healthy part of developing relationships, making friends and experiencing new things. However who we spend our time with, include in our life and/or associate ourselves with requires some thought.

I remember a time where a group of people I was acquainted with were going to be doing something on a weekend. Initially, I thought it would be nice to go along, hang out and get to know them better. I was not invited. Sitting right there, hearing all about it and no one extended and invitation.

Initially, my ego was a little bruised. My inner child, if you will, thought... "Hey! Whattabout me! I wanna come play too!" I felt left out, not just a little but as a whole. Completely discounted and ignored. Fortunately for me, I didn't feed into it with cynisism or bitterness towards the group, which would have made it feel even worse. I waited until the feeling of being excluded passed and then I thought, "Do you have to be included in this group?" As I mulled this over, I recognized that I have other groups of friends, I have good close friends that I've made over the years and the reality is that the only reason I felt excluded was only because, "it would have been nice to be invited". To be included in something new, maybe make some new acquantances along the way would have been nice.

I decided not to make it into something personal. It all feels very personal but ultimately we chose who we want to spend our time with and we chose the things that we want to do. At least I think we should. There's nothing wrong with going and experienceing new things, however the real questions need to be asked and answered honestly "for ourselves" first and foremost are as follows:

1. What is it, about this group, that makes me want to spend time with them?
2. Am I interested in what the group is doing as a whole, or did I just feel excluded and it hurt my feelings?
3. Do I "like" the people in this group? Who are they really?
4. If a group is not open and friendly enough to include you, why would you want to be included in the first place?
5. Do YOU really want to spend any significant amount of time with these particular people OR would you rather explore other options, with other groups until you find one that suits you?

Sometimes we want to be included so much that we neglect to evaluate who we think we want to spend our time with. The insult of not being included far out weighs the reality of the personalities we would be dealing with if we were invited.

At no time should this be thought through in a resentfull, bitter, self-righteous manner. It should be thought through from a place of personal integrity as to what's really going on with YOU and more specifically who YOU would like to share your time with or new experiences with.

Being excluded isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would venture to say that if a particular group left you out in the cold, they've done you a massive favor. Because for whatever reason it is that they made the choice not to ask... you have to ask yourself if these are the type of people you would like to include in your life.

To have a good, close group of friends is always very helpful because as you can see, you already have a good foundation in your life. If you're looking to build on your experiences, which is wonderfull, we want you to have something REAL in your life, people who are sincere in their invitations and in their interest in maintaining a friendship and a relationship with you.

What you don't want is to allow your ego or bruised feelings to get in the way of your better judgment.

My final note is, if you spend time with these people on a regular basis for whatever reason, you continue to treat them with the same courtesy and respect as you would treat anyone else. Granted, you'll know where you stand with them, it doesn't mean that we need to feed into any additional negativity by acting the fool ourselves.

Food for thought this morning.

Assumptions People Make

2010-04-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

This should be short and sweet. Although I may be lying because I like to be very clear so I'm understood.

People look at one another and make all kinds of assumptions about each other. They make assumptions about who someone is based on the type of music they listen to, on the clothes they wear, the car they drive... etc.

Now, many times, it could be true, all those things adding up to the person we think they are... of course, that's how stereo typing comes into play. Which isn't the worst thing in the world because it can help us to identify who we're dealing with. On the other side of the coin, it's bad because we could meet someone in jeans and a ripped up T-shirt and they could go outside, get into a Ferrari and they own a business that makes them millions.

Course, suddenly, if you're willing to admit it, that person now seems more appealing to you. Because you think they've got more worth. People don't admit this but I know it's true.

People are very enticed by the things they think they see in another person. We're so pre-programed to look at what we assume another person has or doesn't have that we can assume who what type of person they are.

Me? I think we need to pay attention to what we see and then dig a little deeper into who the person is... don't you?

I mean some things are obvious and we don't want to deal with that person either. Their attitude and demeanor shouts out strong warnings about they type of person they are and who would want to deal with that? Not me! I don't care what you're driving or what you're wearing, if you have no integrity or your actions don't compliment your words, I'm not going to want to get to know that person any better than I do already.

I mean, you can have a wo/man driving a georgous vehicle and they're an inconsiderate individual who you wouldn't give the time of day. You could meet a celebrity and think they're the shit! Those are all those rose colored glasses the world seems to place on the material things in life. What we forget about so often is, "who is this person really"... if you were to remove all the shinny things and really see who that person is, would you still be so enticed by them?

Food for thought this morning... just because we see one thing, doesn't mean it equals the other.

Snow Plowing and Good Deeds!

2010-02-27T03:42:00.001-08:00

So we got over two feet of snow here starting thursday into friday. With the snow plow going by, I had a three foot wide and two and a half foot high pile of snow around my car. Holy cow man, that was going to take me hours to shovel out of my parking spot on the street and when I woke up at 6:00 a.m., I was like, Oh no... I'm not going in to work today. I'm all blocked in out there. So, I called out. Most of the office did actually.

So, I went out around 2:00 p.m., and started at the front of the car, making a nice "U" in the front so I could swing out. As I started chipping into the huge pile at the side this guy with a snow plow was sitting there behind me when I looked up. I moved off to the side and he turned his plow at an angle, and he drove 6 inches from my car and took 2 feet of it away!

Well! There I am, standing there, mouth dropped open ... he only did my car, I've never seen the guy before and he did that massively nice thing for me! Wow... holy cow! I gave him a thumbs up, still standing there with this gratefull and surprised look on my face. I mean, wow... right? He just saved me a good couple of hours!

So, the woman who lives downstairs from me was shovelling hers out, so I went and helped her when I was done with mine. After that, the girl who lives next door who parked across the street came out with this icky shovel and she started on hers. So, I went over there and began helping her. The woman who I helped walked over and she started to help us. :)

Man... isn't that just the nicest thing?

Because that fella helped me, I still had the energy left to help that other woman. I was going to anyway but that made it easier. And because both of us did her spot, we both had enough left to help that young girl next door!

Now this is just totally cool to me :)

Do something nice today for someone. Hold a door, wait a few extra seconds to help someone, JUST DO IT! ... expect nothing in return, okay?

I mean, it seems to me that, the more I do without thinking about it, you know just doing it, the more I start to see it happen. I like that. I think about small towns and places where people go out of their way to know their neighbors and do things for one another and that would nice if it spread to all over. Right?

Yes!

You guys have anything nice you've seen or done lately? I mean, isn't that just great? YUP!

Chagne One Thing... Are they Nuts?

2010-02-22T03:21:00.000-08:00

I remember a long time ago I read something that said make one change and other changes will start to follow. At the time I thought, one thing? But there's so much I want to sift through and work on! :) They're NUTS! LOL :)

Well... I'll use working out as the example for the one thing. I started working out about 3 years ago, kept not finding what worked for me until I bought an elliptical machine and that was great! Then at the end of last year I bought a new program because what I was doing wasn't giving me the results I wanted. I upped my workouts from 30 minutes to an hour. I've seen better results, more results and that's just awesome! I have a vertigo issue in my head where if I get too over heated I get nauseaus and dizzy so I was really afraid to get these dvd's because they'd bring my body temperature to that point. That hasn't gone away, however I know what to do, to work around it.

In the meantime, other things began to follow. Since I was down doing pushups and on the floor for some of the workouts, I felt like ... euw, when is the last time I cleaned these carpets? So, I bought a steam cleaner. Who would want their face by a dirty carpet?

Cleaning the carpets, in all it's methodical, slow motion movement, is very soothing to me and when I'm done doing it. Not only do I feel more comfortable being on the rug but the house smells better, I feel like everything is cleaner and the machine really paid for itself after 3 uses vs. spending 50.00 for a rental and having to run myself into the ground in 24 hours or be charged more by the rental place, so this affected my budget in a good way too. Right? Sure it did...

I have two adorable boy cats who I love SOOOO Much but they shed, I'm allergic to cats (so they say) and now because i got the steam cleaner my allergies are better too.

When I workout, there are a few of the DVD's that make me feel so "high" from the adrenaline and movement that I'm in the ultimate good mood from it! Very happy and I feel amazing! I definitely have more energy and not only that but looking better physically has affected my overall posture and how I feel about myself.

Granted I started working out three years ago however the change started with my doing one thing different. I was getting tired of hearing myself whine about how what I was doing wasn't bringing me to where I wanted to be physically, to buying a new program, to the other changes I'm referencing above.

I've also had to get up earlier and make more time to work out too, so it's changed my schedule and actually given me more "me" time too... A few years ago if you told me that I would get up at 5:00 or 5:30 so I could exercise I would've said, "Don't I do enough in a day already?" ...

Are you seeing how if you make a change in one area, other things start to fall into place? Try it, you have nothing at all to lose.

Making Due and Good things to come...

2010-02-14T03:13:00.000-08:00

I'm having new furniture delivered today! I'm very excited! I've been wanting new furniture for the past three or four years and this year, was my year. I went to three different stores, sat on couches that I thought I would like, bounced on them, trotted around looking at each and every style, then made my selection. The salesman was pretty amused by me as I took my boots off, flopped down, put my feet up and made myself comfortable. We laughed quite a bit. I told him that my hinny had to be happy on the couch, so I had to make sure by lying down like I would at home! He didn't mind, was very helpful and I walked out of the store after making my purchase on cloud nine! I was now the proud owner of a new living room set!

See, for the past few years, I thought about how much I would like a new living room set, things kept coming up financially that didn't allow for it. So, I would go and rent a steam cleaner, clean up mine, they looked good and I made due. As long as I spiffied things up, I was happy making due. At the same time, every year, I still found myself wanting new furniture. Especially after I would visit friends and see the beautiful decorating they had done, then I would go home and want to do the same.

Yet, I would make due. I would buy paint and paint one room, then do little things that made nice small differences in the house. Clean things out, steam clean the rugs and the couch and that would work nicely. At least, for a little while.

I have worked very hard on my own life in the past number of years and this year, was my turn. I didn't mind making due, sometimes I would feel like I wasn't doing enough. Maybe I didn't have all the nice things I should have. I have to say now though that there isn't a damned thing wrong with making due. I have a nice home, I have good friends, I work hard and the things that came up didn't mean I wasn't doing a good job. Which, I seemed to think from time to time... I was doing a good job and all the fruits of those labors and choices all came together for me this year.

It's clear as day that all along I was doing the right things. The only problem was the belief that would come and go that maybe I wasn't doing enough. Maybe I should have more, maybe I should be doing better or doing things differently. Yet, all the while I was doing what I needed to do for myself at that point in my life.

See, to some, getting new furniture is simply getting new furniture. To me, it's proof positive that with some elbow grease, side stepping the instant gratification aspect, not comparing what I have to what others may "seem" to have and having patience, I see how everything, in time, all comes together. It may not have come as fast as maybe I would have liked it to, this much is true. At the same time I feel so euphoric waiting for those fella's to deliver my furniture today ... I feel very proud of everthing I worked so hard for to get to this point. Including the ups and downs I have had.

See, we shouldn't take for granted the things we already have in life. We need to remember that... sometimes, we need to make due with what we have, instead of thinking that some how we are less than others because we don't have what they do.

You can imaging the deeper appreciation you can have, from these realizations versus not recognizing that we're okay the way we are "right now" ... maybe it's not exactly where we would like to be BUT I tell ya... I have a huge sense of accomplishment beaming over my head right now!

So, here's to making due with what we have, keeping focused on what we would like to have, planning for it, and then... making it happen.

As for me, I'm going to obsessively peer out the window between 7:00 a.m., and 1:00 p.m., for the delivery truck!

#2 Game of Life - Baby Steps

2010-02-06T03:40:00.000-08:00

Good Morning, I'm going to talk about my little addiction again this morning, the game Yoville that I play! It's so cute and it's the best free self-help thing I've ever seen. I know it's just for a little bit of fun, men, women and children are playing this game. So, you do have to be careful if you talk to anyone, and you can talk to them, because you don't want to have an adult conversation with an 11 year old!

Today, I want to talk about the coin runs. This is when you first log into the main site, you can go to other people's pages, you click this little light switch and you get 5 whole coins! The other thing is, you can start at your profile any time you want and gain more coins by doing as it asks you and going to each person's page and taking a pot of gold, also worth 5 coins off their page. It's cute and you can accumulate a lot of coins this way. It takes about 5 to 7 minutes, not so bad.

Now, you have a job here, they tell you what that is, you work at a factory. You click on the little star and depending on the number of friends you have, you make 235 coins at one shot! Wow right? LOL

This morning, as other times, the screen asked me if I wanted to do the coin run where you get 5 coins at a time by taking the time to go to all these people's pages. I felt this little pull to just go straight to the factory and make the big bucks! Why not? It's more money, you don't spend as much time doing it either.

And then, it hit me. I was more enticed by the instant gratification of the larger amount than all the little things I had to do, which were kind of boring and tedious rather than looking at the overall picture. The more we get the more we want. Are we really willing to take all the small steps necessary to get to where we want to be? Whether it's saving for something or a business endeavor we have, or maybe even working out.

We have to do all the little things necessary, to acheive certain goals in life. It may take more than 5/7 minutes of course, but I think we can identify with wanting "it all" versus a slow and steady progression towards the things we want to accomplish.

So, now, while I still want the bigger salary (coins), I understand that it's going to take some of the baby steps to get to where I have a nice savings and then over time, with a little elbow grease and persceverence, I can have more of what I really want. Course I'm only using a little clicker on my mouse right now but it goes to real life too.

We all may to develop the right mindset, the patience to really make a plan and stick to it no matter what. That takes time, it takes knowing when to shift what we're already doing or when we need to maybe learn something else in life to get to where we want to be.

What it does take, is the ability to sit back and look at the whole picture as to where we want to be. I mean, what is your goal? How are you going to go about getting there? Are you willing to put in the extra effort now that it will take to get to the point you want to be?

More food for thought this morning. I like to make things simply to identify with, life doesn't appear so simple sometimes and we have to get a little dirty first before we can shine.

So go on with yourself and get to the little stuff, so you can reach the bigger things you want! They say you can't run a restaurant in life unless you understand all the positions within that restaurant. I heard that some where once and I think it's true.

So, stop, think about the steps you want to take, if they don't work, do something else and keep at it until you see some progress. I don't care what it is that you want to acheive, just ... do it.

Bye!

Game of Life ... How do you play?

2010-02-04T03:18:00.000-08:00

I play this little game called Yoville. In it are little avatar's, who have little houses, furniture you can buy, coins you can earn or buy and little games you can play.

I started playing a few months ago and now I'm officially addicted. It's a silly little game where you can go visit your little avatar friends' houses and buy clothing and furniture for coins and each action you take, there is a coin reward.

Now, in order to buy clothing or furniture at the little stores, you have to save your coins. Or wait for a little sale which shows up every day with little items on the side that you can purchase while you're playing.

If you think a game can't tell you much about yourself, you would be 100% wrong. I've noticed a lot about my personal spending habits. I can save up to a certain amount of coins and then it seems up to a certain point, I get this fush of "I need to buy some stuff". Now, I thought this would fade after I furnished the little virtual apartment I had and all it's rooms. It didn't fade and I noticed that when I would get a certain number of coins, thinking about buying the house was "nice" but I seemed to want to buy other things like clothing instead or some additional decorations for the apartment I currently own.

Now, one of reasons for this is that I don't think I can take my furniture with me so I would have to start all over. Who likes that when we're comfortable where we are?

The other reason seems to be that once I get to a certain amount of coins, I think I have enough to go and buy the things that I have put off buying.

It's kind of like when we get a tax refund. Say we have like $3,000.00 and that's when we pay off all the little debts of the year or buy furniture that we wanted vs. saving all year after paying things off and then buying it whenever we want. You following me here? I hope so because the more I play the game, the more I see how my lifes experiences color how I save, spend or earn my money.

It's almost like getting a paycheck every week or bi-weekly and then all the things you may have put off getting during the week you didn't get paid are all rushed to be paid or bought so that you have enough or so that you have your reward for budgeting through out the previous weeks.

Instead of, say, creating a budget for yourself where you need or want for nothing, you blow through your paycheck or don't have a savings account. Instead, people use credit. Credit creates that bail out program you have for yourself when your tax return comes in... this is an old habit that has been instilled in most people, almost all their life.

Apparently, me too. My personal goals as the last couple of years have been difficult, is to determine what my personal spending habits are, how I save money or do not save money and put some away.

Playing this silly little game has brought out what my spending habits really are. Which I think is very interesting. I pay attention for the most part but I can see where I go wrong in real life by how I go and buy certain items I may not "need" but want. I mean, how many clothes does an avatar really need anyway? :)

So what is my point? Playing a game can reveal what your habits are. It can reveal not only how you are with your coins but how you are as a person around other people too. The reasons you do the things you do and if you pay attention to your overall attitude towards your REAL life, you can start to see where you may want to make changes.

I think this is a really cool tool to be able to play a game, have a little fun, maybe appease that little person inside you who may be saving for something and you want a quick fix of a reward by bying something and in that case, go play the little game, buy a little something without touching your real life funds.

It may seem silly but I have to say, the more I play, the more I realize how I may sabotage my own daily expenses. It's not on purpose, we don't see these things all that clearly all the time. However it is a really good starting point to see where you may want to make some changes.

Another thing is that they have more high end things you can buy for your apartment if you spend YOUR real money via credit card. When you start to see these high end items that you need yo-dollars for, you may feel that little pull of "I don't make enough to afford that"... and you may even feel enticed to buy yo-dollars.

But, why? Sure you can put anything in life on a credit card, which to me is the same thing as the yo-dollars. Yet at the same time I think enjoying where you are right now, learning how to save for those high end items and not have debt, is so much more important that literally buying into what everyone else has or what kind of living room or clothing someone else has.

The real world is so full of things that we want. Sometimes we get in our own way in how we go about getting those things. Think about it for a while...

I have to go.

Night at the Museum 2 - Reaction Free ?

2010-01-05T02:50:00.000-08:00

I was watching "Night at the Museum 2" the other day and there was this one scene where this big king guy who had been dead for 1000 years came back to live. When the sun went down, anything in the area of this ancient tablet would come to life having the thoughts and experiences of whatever historical character was in the museum.

So, the night guard, played by Ben Stiller, met up with this King who was basically pounding his chest saying, "I am so'n'so and after 1000 years I have come BACK to LIFE!" ... Stiller, just looked at him like, Okay. The King was confused by this and said it again. His tone was menancing and intended to make Stiller shudder and/or be in awe (maybe both) by this POWER!

Well... la de da. It didn't work. Course, I'm sure since we all knew that they'd go back to being manequins at the end of the night, that was soothing enough. I mean what was this King really going to do anyway?

The point is this, Stiller didn't react to this guy, he wasn't afraid, he simply acknowledged what was said and looked at the guy like... "Yah, I heard that" The King character lost steam. Sure he went on to do other things in the museum but I love this one scene the best.

This is the perfect example of how when we don't react to another person's "stuff" or their intention to make us feel small or intimidated, how NOT reacting and just going about our business really works.

Some people are plain antagonists. They seem to take pleasure in finding little ways to push another person's buttons until they get to them.

I'm a fan of getting rid of those kind of people from my life because I'm only so patient. That is, providing I don't see some kind of shift from them where they change their behavior. My motto is, you be nice to me, show me respect and we'll get along just fine. This goes both ways, of course.

How we react to something is so massively important in life. It can dictate what kind of relationships we cultivate with others. It can definitely contribute to the type of day we're going to have and how we are received by others as well.

I don't know how you want to live but I'm a huge fan of just looking at someone who is a blow hard, hearing the message, ignoring the volumn and going about my business. When it's time for me to set a boundary, I do it. Sometimes ignoring bad behavior makes it go away because you're not reacting to it. Other times you have to confront the person, in a way, that diffuses them.

Each person is different, each person requires a different method of diffusing. You will experience some anxiety based on the existing relationship you may have when you start to practice this. You're going to feel that from the pit of your stomach to the top of your head, to the numbness you may feel in your toes. That's the fright or flight reaction our body gives us. Course, not being able to think while we're experiencing those feelings doesn't help a situation but over time, you're going to find that it gets easier to do.

I'm not saying that you won't have some kind of anxiety or be nervous. I still get a little nervous at times. Depends on the situation, depends on how severely this other individual crossed the line and whether or not I'm controlling my own reactions to the situation.

If you are in an abusive relationship, these tactics, this good advise is not going to work over the long term. Abusive, narcissistic people simply up the anti until you crack. Even then, when you are able to, I would leave that situation.

Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Period.

You can teach other people to treat you with dignity and respect at any time. You stop allowing them to get away with their behavior.

What is it costing you, physically, emotionally, mentally to tolerate some blow hard who is disrespectful to you? Think about that...

Oh! And don't think you've failed at learning this if you get caught off guard at times from this other person. That can happen and as soon as you regroup and think it through, you'll be able to address it the next time. Or, you can approach the person another time and advise them they may not do x, y and/or z in the future.

I mean, what are you really losing if you address bad behavior? Being disrespected? Being put down or walking on egg shells? I'd give that up any day.

Spam - Don't Get Mad - Block it

2009-12-30T05:33:00.000-08:00

A while ago some individual came on my blog here and posted some listing for viagra and other things in this huge post, which obviously had no place here on my blog. Course it was also done annonymously which cut off my addressing them directly. So, I thought I would do a post and thank the person for being so massively disrespectfull of my space here in blog world.

What you have done for me, in your disrespect of other people's space, time and effort is taught me to not be angry at the blatant disrespect you have shown my blog. I'm sure you have plastered nonsense like this on other people's blogs by posting your advertisements for viagra and other sites which are, a. not welcome and b. not relevant c. disrespectfull, however what I've gained due to your disgusting and blatant disregard for my personal space here on the net, is to simply adjust the blog so that I can review any posts that are made.

While this may seem like something extra to do and would appear to cause most some type of anger or frustration that they have to do this. YOU dear person have caused me to be reminded, consistently, every time you post some ridiculous ad on my site, that I should be posting here more often. It is a nice reminder to come, post and share things on my blog which I have sorely neglected for quite some time now.

So, I want to thank you for being the disrespectfull curr that you are and thank you for reminding me what's important. Most importantly you have reminded me not to react in a negative fashion or out of anger but to follow through with a solution and let it slide off instead of being angry due to your disrespect and obvious lack of courtesy for others.

So, I want to thank you again for posting unwanted advertisements on my blog and for giving me the opportunity to grow more as a person.

Have a wonderful holiday :)

Don't Feed Into A Problem... Focus on Positive Resolution

2009-12-21T02:53:00.000-08:00

I distinctly remember a time where I was upset about something. I told the person who was around me at the time, how I felt and that I was very upset... I was instantly angered by something I had been told because I thought that I was promised something important and now, the other person was going to back out of their promise.

Based on same or similar situations in the past, instead of being calm in that moment, saying to myself, Okay, Okay... just wait and see, talk it through with the person. I was, on a scale of 1-10 anger wise, a 20.

I knew I needed to vent, because I may find myself handling something badly if I allowed this feeling to go any further. So, I vented to this individual... I just needed to get it off my chest.

Now, what they did, wasn't just listen or appreciate my situation, most may not be good at that anyway... however this individual chose to take this "opportunity" to feed into my already high level of feelings on the matter by telling me stories about the things this person who made me the promise had done "for someone else"... Which would have been in direct contradiction, keeping their promise to someone else, and not me.

You can imagine how much damage this type of behavior can cause to an already tense situation. I can only imaging how that would have affected the situation few years ago.

A few years ago, I would have allowed this person's stories to sit with me, to create more frustration, betrayal and anger. Just sitting there hearing it, would have made my head spin with all of these irrational thoughts about this individual.

Had I allowed this to happen, picture what would have happened in my conversation with the other person when I did finally see them or respond to them.

It would have been explosive, the ramifications of "my actions" in feeling slighted in this way would have truly messed up a budding relationship between myself and this other individual.

All I kept hearing my mind say was... "How is this relevant to my situation?"

Fortunately for me, I took the high road. I addressed the situation calmly and was specific as to a prior conversation that had taken place, and advised them that they were mistaken.

Guess what happened? The party, that I was upset with acknowledged what I said, and followed through.

Imagine had I allowed the other person's stories and words to color my experience? It wouldn't have worked out well and the foundation in the relationship I was building with the initial person who I was upset with, would have been heavily cracked.

You have to pay attention to other people's motives when they share in your stories.

You need to separate and divide these things "for yourself" and take things from a higher perspective.

Reason and thinking things through can help you greatly.

In the future too, I would strongly suggest trying not to discuss issues with the person who was feeding into it negatively.

If they do hear it, you need to address it and ask them directly why they would feed into something, which already has the potential to blow up in everyone's face as it is.

Watch the excuses flow folks...

Don't buy into what other's say, learn to think for yourself and create relationships with others on your terms, in a healthy and communicative way.

Stop.
Think.
Address.

Don't asssume the worst in someone else because a situation is same or similar. Do, know what you know, understand you'll have these times where same or similar situations trigger a strong response from you.

Learn how to talk yourself down from that place. Learn WHO you can talk to about these things so it's not enhanced by someone else's "stuff". Then address it with the person directly, in a calm and rational manner. You react badly, they'll react badly. It's just that simple.

Difficult to process at the time perhaps, but the high road, in the end, makes for more trust in a relationship and opens the door for more understanding in the future.

If, that's what you want. If you want to walk around bitter and feeling like the poor mistreated? Have it at... I chose not to.

You KNOW you're going to do it... but you still ask others for their opinion

2009-08-07T03:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading a newsletter I get on finances and learning how to budget money, save money, etc.

Someone wrote into this person and was talking about their washing machine that broke. They had one line about fixing it, one line as to ALL the reasons to buy a new one, one line about dipping into their emergency fund, one line about buying a new one (again), one line about how much would the writer suggest be a good price, and one line about how much better a new one would be energy efficiency wise and going green wise.

Are you seeing a little pattern here? :) I did. The person WANTED the new machine ... they probably knew they shouldn't do it, because they didn't want to dip into the emergency fund (which is why it's there) but still had all these pluses to going out and purchasing the new machine. To me they were looking for validation or someone to say, "it's okay for you to do this, I approve" ... kind of like asking permission with all these really good reasons as to why to definitely BUY the new machine.

I thought... as I grinned to myself, they just want the new machine, why are they writing in?

How manytimes have you guys here, been in this situation?

You know what you need to do.
You know the right thing to do or the wise thing to do.
But you're desire to have or do whatever it is that you're trying to rationalize over powers the common sense end of the entire situation?

You know you're going to do it.
You're kind of just looking for permission to do it.

No matter how much good advise you get, you think to yourself how this is a risk you're willing to take.

Now, granted, if you are truly okay with doing whatever it is... you wouldn't need input. Because on a much deeper level, with any situation that you're dealing with, if your asking another person, and laying it out so well as to the "why" and "why not" you've probably already made up your mind if you have a good argument as to why you should vs. why you shouldn't.

People are going to do what they want to do. The most important thing, I believe is to WAIT ... Wait a little while and REALLY think things through.

Ignore that vicious pull towards doing something you KNOW may not be the wisest thing over the long term and give yourself time to process the emotions that are coming with the story your either justifying to yourself or feel that you need some sort of approval or permission about.

Granted, when you are trying to figure something out, it's good to look at the pro's and con's of any situation. I'll give them that. Definitely.

At the same time... we ulitmately deal with the outcome of our choices. We wouldn't want to follow through with something that deep down we "KNOW" isn't going to be good for us. Whether it be financially, in our personal relationships or in any other situation.

Deep down, you have an idea as to what it is you should or should not do. Sometimes when people are thinking something through like this, all they hear are the positive things that people will say which are "for" the situation and not against. Because that's what they WANT to hear. They've already made up their mind.

Every been in this situation? Someone asks you for advise, you are not emotionally attached to the outcome, you give it to them and they go and do the exact opposite? :)

Or how about being on the other side of this? Ever ask for advise, get it, do it anyway?

Pro and con lists are awesome. What trumps this list is how a person feels about whatever it is and how much delicious gratification or pleasure they're going to get from it.

I'd say WAIT ... give it time to simmer a bit... THEN make a decision when you're not "as" emotionally attached to the situation.

Then follow through with your decision. How you feel, the attachment you have to whatever outcome this is, you may already have your answers. It may be a matter of you don't want that as your answer. You'd prefer what you really want instead of processing it thoroughly.

Never underestimate the power of the emotional curve that is "I want that" ... "I reeeeeeeeeeally want that"!

If you wait, you may find yourself making better decisions...

Letting Go and Moving On...This is important.

2009-07-22T04:12:00.000-07:00

Some life experiences are things that people simply have a difficult time getting over. I understand this.

So they talk about it and they talk about it, because it makes them feel better and they blow off steam. Unless they're stuck in the middle of feeling like a victim and moving past the situation which can take a longer time period for some.

If you're pay attention, there are some who tell their story, get advise, then they find another person who feeds into the hate or discontent that they have about the situation.

It can be by saying the initial person is right and a good person and the other person is bad. This is VERY validating to someone.

This can't be soooo bad, feelings are validated, old hurts are seemingly appeased or start to heal. This is great! Right?

Well, that depends. Sometimes the initial person starts to compile all this proof that the other person is so bad and continues to look for this validation from others and agree with them that they start to gloat on just how bad the other person REALLY IS and how GOOD they are... that they "seem" to be healing or moving past the situation, but in reality they're still hurt over it, still holding onto the situation and still looking repeatedly to make themselves "right" and the other party "wrong".

Following me?

It may very well be true, all that they're saying about someone else.

However the true healing comes when they recognize that they need to let go of the old hurts and situations, that they have no control over the other persons actions or lack thereof.

It comes with viewing the situation from a third party perspective where they make a decision to forgive that other person for all that they've done.

It doesn't mean to forgive them to allow the other person to do it again. Certainly not. Lessons should be learned and boundaries should be set. Definitely.

However when there's this glimmer of "glee" when others validate the original story, over and over again... that's not part of the healing process. That's simply a way to continue to hold onto the past and not move forward.

With this type of person you're not going to change how they think or how they feed into the original problem over and over again. They have to see it... they have to acknowledge what the benefit they're getting from this constant validation over a situation really is.

A person who has moved past a situation, doesn't continually talk about it.

Doesn't suck people into it and look for even more validation and the your "right" they're "wrong" feedback.

What they are going to do is to let go of the story and CHOSE to NOT feed into it anymore by either talking about it or by removing that person from their life completely.

Why have a person in your life who causes you so much emotional duress.

Why keep talking about a situation when you've gotten the validation and understanding that you need?

Why continue looking for those small, seemingly insignificant opportunities to talk about it or find out what another person is doing... thereby feeding into your own healing process in a negative way?

Letting go of a situation where we've been hurt, can feel very difficult.

When you grow emotionally as a person and you learn to forgive others for not knowing... this is when you start recognizing that while a situation may have hurt you, you can learn from it and move forward.

Not hold onto it by having others around you feed into it, not by doing little things to get validation from others, not by gloating when someone else agrees with you.

You know, THEY were WRONG .. YOU were RIGHT!

This mentality can turn you into a martyr really quickly.

What you want, is to be understood and then heal from the situation.

Accept that whatever the other person did they did on their own. It didn't have anything specifically to do with YOU ... it was their "stuff" and their beliefs or lack thereof that caused them to do it.

Then, letting it go, learning healthy ways to not be around someone like this.

We all have a choice in life, who we let in and who we kick out.

If a person is around us is toxic, over time you can see this and no matter how much you may wish things were different, it is what it is. Why feed into it more?

Continuing to feed into it, isn't good for a person, no matter how much they think they're moving past it, they're not. Because they're still looking, over and over again for that validation.

At some point, a person has to move past the story and what happened, heal and gain a better understanding of themselves and what they're going to do on a personal level to make themselves happy.

Sometimes, yes, this feels easier said than done. Been there done that. However, it CAN be done... People have to decide that they are not going to allow this other person to have any emotional control over them any more.

They're walking around doing their thing aren't they? No matter what you think, how many times you tell your story, no matter how many people empathise with your or say you were right they were wrong... you're still telling the same story over and over again and feeding into your own discontent.

They are happily going on their merry way, knowing they can get to you, or that they have gotten to you OR already over it.

So when you're done getting your validation and understanding, venting about a situation and blowing off steam, change your focus to deciding that you are not going to allow this other person to interfere with your life or your own personal happiness.

You can do it... go on.

Setting the bar too high. Is there such a thing?

2009-07-01T04:35:00.001-07:00

Sue T I'm writing back to a friend of mine this morning and they were saying how they wondered if sometimes we are setting the bar too high.

I think it's more about if we have people around us who support the bar. If we're around others who are complacent or who put down what our personal goals are, we may start to believe, due to their negativity or lack of support that "we" are setting the bar too high.

We may tend to absorb their negative feelings and thoughts.

Kind of like, "What makes you think you can do that?"

Or ...

"You should have something stable and secure."

I tell you, is anything in this day and age stable and secure? As a matter of fact, to contradict this popular thought process these days that there's a lack, there are plenty of people out there I know who are working, who are making a living and who are moving towards what they want.

Maybe not at the speed they would like however, they readjust and reprioritize their goals at times, and they move forward

In having a goal and learning to reprioritize when necessary, it means we're not willing to sit back and not contribute to our own happiness.

Just because something we wanted didn't work right away, doesn't mean that we can't have what we want. It means that we have to keep trying until it happens.

It also means we have to keep looking at what we're doing to see if we have enough information or are educating ourselves on what we need to do.

If you look at my experiences with my job search over the past three years, in looking for an environment that I liked and where I enjoyed going to work. I couldn't seem to find it. Right?

Those of you who have been members here a while, know what I'm talking about.

Some could say, "Well it was YOU Sue..." (Maybe I set the bar too high in what I was looking for.)

How could that be though? I have an environment now that I like... can you imagine if I had accepted where I was, financially, emotionally and just sucked it up and stayed where I didn't feel good?

Now, my resume, looks like a mess. That was a deterent to some firms. Mind you, I said "some" firms. Other firms looked at how I changed my positions and said, "WOW you've got a lot of experience!" ...

It's all about perception isn't it? Yes.

And in spite of the appearance of my resume, I found a place that fits me. It's not that I can wear jeans to work. Although, that is such a perk. :)

It's that I, overall like where I am, what I do, who I work with on a daily basis... that was the goal. And I'm making better money. That was the goal as well.

My overall goals were to not be stressed about going to work due to the people there.

To find a position where I was paid what I'm worth.

To find a place where I didn't experience anxiety and put off getting ready in the morning because I "just did not want to go".

It took me a while didn't it? I had a lot of ups and downs and ... sometimes I thought, maybe other people are right. Maybe my goal to find this "is wrong".

Maybe it doesn't exist.

Now, is that true? No. It's not. I've proven that by finding what works for me.

I also was fortunate enough to have other places where the environments were what I liked, but didn't realize it at the time, to fall back on. I had proof that what I was looking for "DID" exist. We can forget that sometimes when we're trying so hard.

Could I have thought that I set the bar to high? Certainly.

Did I want to buy into that thought process?

Absolutely not.

So, when someone asks you if you're setting the bar too high, what do you say?

How do you feel?

What are you going to do, whether you succeed the first few times or not, to continue to go for what you want?

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult to keep a positive perspective on looking for what I wanted. I felt pretty awful sometimes. I thought, maybe it doesn't exist? Maybe it's me... Maybe I should have stayed at this one particular place instead of rocking the boat and striving for more.

I had doubts many times. I'm sure some of my friends may have had doubts too.

However I held a belief, based on my past experiences, that this kind of place existed and that I would find it. The fact that it seemed to take forever, and inbetween there were circumstances beyond my control where things that I literally could not control.

I had to shuffle things around, I had to hold onto my thought process that I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to buy into the thought process that I had to suck it up and "tolerate" bad behavior from the people around me.

You know, statements like, "Well every job has that person or something we don't like."

I thought... Yah, this may be true but ... just how much to people tolerate if it's something that doesn't roll off?

And why would I want to tolerate that?

So I kept at it, I kept trying, failure after failure... I kept looking. I had one friend who offered to help me with my resume and wipe out the mess that it seemed to be.

I thanked them a whole lot but I figured if I started out that way, we'd both have to answer questions about what I'd been doing which ... would really be a yarn. I appreciated the offer a whole lot. I really wanted to do it too. Seemed like I should just accept that maybe the kind of place that I wanted/needed didn't exist anymore.

I'm glad to say, I didn't set the bar "too high"... because now I go to a place where I enjoy being. For the most part. Don't get me wrong there's stress and some interpersonal stuff as we get used to each other that crops up but it's nothing like what I've been through in the past.

It's not "tolerable" it's "workable"... big difference in that.

So, in closing, because I have to work out now... is there such a thing as setting the bar too high?

I don't think so.

I think we need to pay attention to what we want, maybe reprioritize things, learn other things but overall... shifting doesn't equal failure. And I can tell you, I had doubts... it didn't equal my desire to be happy at my day job though.

Sometimes it was really hard. Make no mistake!

Now I think, imagine the things we wouldn't have in our life if we quit every time things got difficult?

That would be a shame... right?

So, is there such a thing as setting the bar too high?

I don't think so... You?

Does it Make You Think? Michael Jackson's passing...

2009-06-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

On Friday I was talking about Michael Jackson's passing work and I wanted to know why people cry when someone famous like this passed. I thought it was an immense shame, but I didn’t feel the need to cry. Although I've seen many crying in the news.

Over the next few days, radio stations, MTV, and a couple other tv/radio stations began playing the wide array of music that he had done.

One by one, memories started coming back in my mind about different times in my own life and where I was at the time. I watched the videos with great reflection on Michael Jackson’s behalf. If that’s possible… Meaning I watched him, "really" watched him perform. Watched who he was ... thought about the things he had been through, what he was accused of in life. I wondered at one point, if he simply just got tired.

He was conditioned by an abusive father to be the best. To practice until he got it right. At least these are the stories I’ve heard over the years. His focus was to be “the best singer”, “the best artist”, "the best performer" to have fame, recognition. All things he was taught were important. And he certainly shinned, didn’t he? I think so…

I watched these videos and I thought about how he never learned the simple things. The things we may take for granted. Although I know he had charities and things the he contributed to throughout his life. I'm talking about “for himself” as an individual… it seemed there wasn’t very much. You know, as a human being.

Loved by millions, not loved by one. And he was a corky fella… You could see his style in the many video’s. I watched, the fire, his dedication, the impecable dancing and singing. He was truly masterfull.

Yet… here’s this guy who has brought so many memories to others. For some, solace from some things and memories from different times. Memories revived which has now come from his passing. And to die, in this way… so senseless. A waste … on so many levels.

I have a favorite song that he did when he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. It's entitled, “You Are Not Alone". The first time I ever heard that song I was living in the shore area in a house I really loved. It was an old house, falling apart but I really liked it there. Hearing the song that day brought me to tears the first time I heard it and I still can get choked up today when I hear it again.

I wasn’t looking out or “for” any new releases of any kind from him. I kind of heard the music and took for granted the massive amount of talent that he had.

I think this is a good reminder to not let life slip through our fingers. To not take things for granted… and to not assume because someone has wealth and fame, that they’re happy.

I’d take both myself. Actually I would have happy, healthy and wealthy… not necessarily fame, that has it’s own issues.

I have to say, now that it’s sunk in a bit… I understand more why people cry when someone like this young fella passes. And make no mistake… he was a young fella. 50 is not old… not in this day and age with people living longer lives.

They hear a song, they’re in a certain place, it brings back memories for them and that hope a song can bring to people. The heart it can touch. They have an emotional attachment to all that this person has acheived in their life. This guy, meant “something” to so many people… for so many different reasons… I can see it now. It took me a couple days to absorb the whole thing however, I see it now.

I’m glad he’s in a place, where he will be eternally happy now. R.I.P… You’re free. (MJ)

The other thing that comes to mind for me is, does something like this make us question our own mortality?

We could be gone in an instant. Not under Michael Jackson's cirumstances (or maybe, you never know) but an accident or ... some unforseen "something".

By the end of today I started to think, wouldn't this have us considering our own mortality. I have ...

I mean, look at this man. Acheived all these things and he was, sadly, a mess.

What about the rest of you? I am in no way inferring that anyone here is a mess but what are the things we just assume will be there?

That's not true. History tells us this isn't true, yet we tempt fate all the time and take for granted the time we have and what we do. I'm not saying all the time, I am saying I think it happens to some of us, some of the time.

I think it's a very interesting thought process...

Emotional Reactions - Communication Skills

2009-06-20T05:50:00.000-07:00

I had a woman call the office yesterday. She was trying to fax something that my boss apparently was "on her" about getting to us, so we could get the guy's insurance to authorize treatment.

So, she calls, asks if the fax is working properly... and this is how it went. This is not "exactly" what was said but it's pretty close.

Her: Is the fax working?
Me: Yes.
Her: Well I've been trying to fax this information your boss needed and it's not going through!
Me: Is your phone number blocked? I think our machine doesn't accept faxes from blocked phone numbers.
Her: Can't you fix that? He (my boss) was very insistent about getting these records to him "today".
Me: I'm not sure how to take that feature off.
Her: Well (Now she starts getting frustrated and loud at me.) If you want these records (not me mind you, my boss) I don't see why YOU can't FIX this issue so I can fax them!
Me: You know, in the same breath I could say, can you take the block off of your number so our machine can accept the fax. What I"m saying is, I don't know how to do that. I would, however I'm not able to.
Her: WELL ... can I mail them? (obviously frustrated now and getting more and more aggressive)
Me: Sure, I don't see why not, we'd have them by Monday I'm sure.
Her: (She seems to start to have some kind of anxiety attack at this point) Your boss was on the phone with me yesterday and he really needed these!
Me: I understand that, I will tell him there's an issue with the machine and let him know you'll mail them.
Her: I don't see why you can't just fix YOUR MACHINE!
(Holy crap)
Me: Listen, this is not between you and me, this is a technical issue that can't be helped, yelling at me isn't going to remedy the situation and this is not personal, there's no need to yell.
Her: Tell your boss that in the future I"m not going to go to these lengths and have this problem!
Me: I will not tell him that, if you have something you want to say to him, you can tell him yourself. That is between you and him, not you and me.
Her: Well leave him a message!
Me: I'll be happy to.

Then the call ended with us agreeing she would mail the records. Which were faxed later... either she fixed her machine or ... maybe it was busy or something. Whose to say?

Now... for saying so's sake, when my boss wants something he comes across pretty strongly. So I can understand her anxiety and poor reaction to not being able to do it.

HOWEVER folks... this is not for one person to take out on another... It's unacceptable behavior.

If you're working "with" someone who is getting more and more aggressive with you, there are boundaries to set with that person as I did above. By advising her that it wasn't personal, that it was a techinical issue that she and I didn't have to get into it over this issue. As she got more aggressive with me, I set and enforced the boundary that this was not personal and that it wasn't going to work if she was yelling at me.

How is this good communication? Well, you're stopping the fight before getting baited into it.

Meaning, you're not feeding into the drama or the false accusations of the other person who starts to lash out at YOU.

You're stopping it by advising them that it's not personal, it's not between you and them. In this case it was a technical issue that neither could remedy.

You're also stopping a miscommunication between YOU and your BOSS ... by relaying a nasty message when if the person has something they need to say TO THE OTHER PARTY that's on THEM to relay. Not you.

If I had relayed that message, he would have snapped at me (maybe...) and I would have had to deflect THAT ... because of relaying a message. I'm not up for that. If she had an issue with him, she could tell him herself. Very simple. I didn't need to be in the middle of that and I wasn't going to be put in the middle of that.

We can get easily roped into a situation due to OUR reaction to another individual.

What is important to remember, as YOUR emotional reactions start to take over ... is that when another party is anxious or starts lashing out at YOU for something that you're trying to help them with...

You have to set a boundary.
You have to reverse and stop them from placing the blame on YOU and advise them what their options ARE.
You have to remember that this is not personal and remind them of this as well.
You can also advise them that them yelling at you isn't going to help the situation. (Mind you, some won't handle this well either.)
You can also advise them if they have something to say to a third party, they can call back at a later time and speak to said person.

IF you have to relay a nasty message to someone and that someone gets angry... that's also not going to be "at you".

You can do the same thing with the person who hears the message.

I'm only relaying a message if you need to talk to this person, tell them. Don't tell me.

People tend to have others tell someone else certain things at times and to me that's poor communication.

If we have something to say... we need to remember a few things.

Don't kill the messenger.
When someone is trying to help you, it's not fair to take your anxiety out on them.
Don't attack the people you call and ask for help.
Working with someone is going to get you a lot farther than lashing out at them because MOST people will empathize with you and help if you treat them with respect.
Think about WHAT it is that's set you off and learn how to set boundaries with "the individual" who set you off in the first place.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you set a boundary with someone?

They'll get angry? Anger is a reaction... which can be side stepped with proper communication.

Now, there are those who just get angry at everything... in those times, call a spade a spade and work around them.

However, if you learn to hear when a conversation is not being flipped "ON YOU" because of the other person's issues. You'll have a much better chance of side stepping getting sucked into an argument or debate that really has nothing to do with you.

Try it... I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Maybe you'll feel some anxiety as you start doing this.
That's normal because you're exercising something new. It will pass as you get better at it.

After I got off the phone, I did need to vent a little bit... something like, "You're not sucking me into YOUR little drama today! So not going to yell at me over something that neither of us have any control over!" HMMPH!"

LOL :) My personal goal is to not have to vent at all... but emotions are tricky. When I had to set the boundary in the first place, it was because her behavior was unacceptable. That's a big no, no with me. Because I treat others with respect and I don't tolerate the opposite behavior from them.

I'm VERY communicative and helpful... so if a person isn't working with me, they're inevitably working against me. We can't work together if we've got some adverserial stance going. That's just ... what?

Stupid. :) No one wins, no one gets what they need done and then you're angry at some person over something that could easily have been remedied.

Why have that mess up your day? I say, don't have it mess up your day. Learn how to hear when a conversation is going south and how to bring it back to a place where you're both listening.

Sue T.

Why should YOU have to apologize! ?

2009-06-18T03:40:00.001-07:00

I remember reading an article a while back, years back, and in it they were talking about how if someone reacted badly to something that we said, we should "stop talking" and "apologize" ...

I remember thinking... "You're kidding me right? Why should I have to apologize for THEIR bad behavior or reaction? Hmmmph! Hell no..."

Until ... one day, I was having a "strong disagreement" with another person. They had misunderstood something I said and were reacting in a way which was far from being open to listening to what I was saying.

They continued being defensive and beligerent ... and I continued to try to express what I was trying to say and meeting with no results whatsoever.

I thought to myself, "When did this conversation start to go south?" I rewound about 3 minutes back and found that point where they stopped listening... I thought, "Oh, Okay... let me start over."

I went back to that part of the conversation and I said that I was sorry if "this part of the conversation" appeared to them as if I was saying x,y,z however that was not my intention. What I was saying was this... and I explained it at more length to them.

Well, whattaya know about that? They became more open to listening ... they stopped being defensive and the more questions I asked them, which were simple ones such as,

"Why would I do something like this (?) and what would give you any indication that I would ever do something like that?"

Apologizing doesn't mean you're going to back down from what you want or that you're "weak" and the other person is going to get over on you. The idea of it is to acknowledge the other person where they started to misunderstand what you've said and start over.

I used to think it was all about winning and/or losing. Someone had to win and someone had to lose. Or at least I was going to be heard.

This doesn't work out well in conversations though because no one wins when no one is listening.

In apologizing you're taking responsibility for maybe having worded something the wrong way, restating what you meant by that one misstatement and then moving forward past that point.

The goal is for both people to be "heard" not to keep beating each other up until you both throw up your hands in frustration, the conversation is circular, never has an ending and no one at all is understood and nothing is resolved.

It's about taking responsibility for ourselves in what we say and what we're doing.

I'm not saying we have to "own" another person's bad behavior at any time... I am saying that to start over, apologize for where the other person misunderstood what we've said is an excellent means by which to actually have both people be heard. Then you can come to an understanding... trust is built up, not broken down and you'll also find that future conversations will be better as well. Especially as you establish trust with the other person.

Maybe you're thinking, why the hell should YOU have to use these tactics? Why can't other people do it!

Honestly because most people are not the best communicators. If you want results, and you want to find a way to talk to others in a way the yeild mutuality in a conversation, it's an easy thing to do. Over time you'll find they are more open to other conversations as well. They will pick this up "from you" and as you go, the relationship becomes stronger as you learn how to communicate cleaner with one another.

There are those people who would assume that if you're apologizing that they're RIGHT about something. That's not really the goal. It's the farthest thing from the truth too. Both people have a point which needs to be heard and understood.

If you taking this step makes that happen, it's not a bad thing.

If anything it's showing more strength to go back and start over, from where things began to get hairy, and actually achieve what you want to.

Nobody wins when no one is heard.

Little food for thought today. :)

It's not how you are alike, It's how you are DIFFERENT

2009-04-02T03:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we meet or know someone with same or similar issues as we have. On a deeper level of who we are... we point out to this person how we are alike in this area and maybe sometimes they agree.

You have your reasons, they have theirs but the outcome is the same ... you both have this issue that you contend with differently.

See... we want to identify and have something in common with another individual. A friend maybe, or a possible romantic love interest ... co-worker... etc., however ... just because you may have this "something" in common, does not mean that you are "alike".

It doesn't mean that the other person is a good fit for you, it doesn't mean that in this area that you can be supportive of one another in a way that is helpful for the two of you. It doesn't mean that you are so alike that being together is going to heal any old wounds that you both may have.

The thing to keep in mind, when you identify with someone in this way, is that it doesn't mean that they would enhance your life or be a good fit for you "just because" you have this personal issue in common.

It's how you differ, what you've chosen to do with your life, how you've worked at your own personal version of this "common" issue that makes all the difference.

You may have done quite a bit of work on yourself and worked this out. You hear same or similar things from another person, you make an assumption that they would understand you because of this similarity. They very well may understand you... it doesn't mean that they've done anything to move through whatever this particular issue is.

In this, comes BIG differences in your persons... You recognize it, you've changed... you've grown. They, on the other hand, are only telling the story ... and not really focusing on how this issue has affected them, nor are they making lasting changes by addressing it.

You'll find they play the same record over and over again, you'll hear the same things over and over again. Initially you may assume that because they say it, or agree with you that you are like minded.

This is not entirely true. There are people who admit to things and do not change and there are people who admit to things, absorb into "their own mind and life" that this is not serving them and make lasting change and attempts to work through it.

So... the reality becomes that... while you "are" alike in this old wound or similarity in experiences... It's how you are different that is the most important aspect of this common ground that you see.

The differences are great when one person is still commiserating and the other has moved past this issue.

Yet... initially, this common ground, this issue ... if you will that you two have in common ... does not make you compatable with them, it doesn't make you the expert on their life or how they can work things out.

It is still entirely up to that person to see their issue, to go and get the help they need, to work things out for themselves.

You can see how you differ over time. Over their actions and how they may talk about it, yet ... they talk the talk, but they're not walkin' the walk. Meaning they aren't "really", "really" doing something to make a lasting change ... like perhaps you have... in being healthier as an individual.

My suggestion when you see this common ground in the future is to not take this common thread and assume that they are "so much" like you that it would be a good fit.

Wait and see ... What you wouldn't want is to misread the other person's sharing as an indication that they've done the work on themselves and are changing or have become healthier. It reveals itself through their actions, or lack thereof.

Pay attention... wait and see.

Talk is cheap, action is priceless.

You've Changed... They haven't

2009-04-02T03:16:00.000-07:00

As you go through your own personal changes, mature emotionally and begin processing how you feel better and defining who it is that you "really" are or want to be... there are things that you're going to start noticing about the people around you that may catch you by surprise.

As an example, maybe your group of friends were great before you began to examine your life then later on after you've put all this time and work into who YOU are... you recognize how negative those friendships really were/are for you.

Say you have a group of friends who are consistently complaining and blaming everyone else for everything and anything possible. It's not uncommon ... personal accountability can be lacking in many areas of a persons life.

You've started to recognize how what you do, or what you don't do affects other areas of your life, so you start taking responsibility for your contributions or lack thereof, to a situation... Things start shifting for the better! You now have a clearer perspective and view of what you would like to change and you begin to impliment these changes.

You go to share these things with the group of people who you've been comiserating with all these years and they... don't understand. They're still inadvertently roping you into drama, issues, pointing fingers at someone else for their troubles, instead of recognizing, as you have ... that personal accountability does not mean that everything is our fault... it's more about taking steps to recognize what does or does not work "for them" and learning how to start doing things differently.

So what happens? They say YOU'VE changed and they can't talk to you anymore... because you don't understand like you used to!

Eventually those people are going to fall off and out of your life. They're still stuck...

You've decided to make your life better ... you've started to invest in yourself and what you want, and they can't seem to see the bigger picture of making these changes.

The truth is that you've developed a healthier mindset and lifestyle and they haven't seen the value of this yet.

Which is a shame because you now know, how much happier they could be, if they began to take note of themselves and their own contributions to the problems they are having.

How many of you have made changes in your life for the better and found old friendships began to drop off ?

How many have made changes and started to recognize how a particular group of people tend to suck the life out of you? Whereas other newer interests and groups of people make you feel supported and really good about yourself?

How many wish that they could bop their old friends over the head and get them to truly see how much better things would be, "if only".

How many of you understand that it took YOU this long to change and you have to be patient with them? Course... they have to see it and until they begin to understand that doing things differently, that you can't do anything really except by example.

Any time you begin to make changes for the better, the other people in your life or group are going to resist. Unless they've beat you to it and YOU were the person resistant :) ...

You can't beat them over the head and make them come with you.

They have to be ready. Just like you...

In the meantime, you can try to be supportive of them, but not at your personal expense of going backwards.

If you've changed, you'll find so does your circle of friends. You're going to WANT people around you who make you feel good, supported, validated and understood. Who are going to help you to think things through better, to make changes that help you to get what you personally want in your life ...

We, sadly, at times... begin to see the negative affects that the old group had on us and we start shying away from that group. And for good reason... we just do not feel good anymore being around them.

It never means that we're "better" than the other person. Heck at some point, we WERE that person.

It means that we are striving to be better as an individual ... and that's okay.

It means that sometimes we have to let old relationships go... especially when being around them, makes us feel bad.

Sure there's remorse that comes with this... I don't know a person on earth who doesn't have mixed feelings with letting go of a friendship or a person who makes them feel bad ... At the same time, if you truly WANT your life to change and be better... sometimes you have to let these people go... at least for a while.

Maybe you're changing will help them to recognize that they are not as stuck as they thought... but, again, they have to see it...

It may take years... they may not grasp what you're doing... That's just frustrating. Course, I know for a fact that I've frustrated many people along my journey, that's for sure! :)

My point, as I go on here, is ... dont allow another individual's fear or lack of self awareness to make you stay the same. Or to make you think that there's something wrong with you for wanting something better or more in your life.

You need to do, for yourself, what you need to do for yourself... it's important to recognize this.

It's either that... or leaving things as they are. That's not working for you... and I wouldn't want to see anyone not do something because someone else was resistant to it.

You've got enough resistance :) of your own to contend with.

Do it anyway... take the time to pay attention to yourself and see what you want. Start doing it... You may lose some people who drag you backwards... what you gain, is less negative energy and thoughts from them. You don't need that baggage anymore. Do you?

It's your turn to decide that you would like your life to be different...

Don't inadvertently allow negative people around you to stop you.

That would be a shame... truly.

Illusion of Time... How does it affect you?

2009-03-24T03:32:00.000-07:00

At my day job, I'm a legal assistant. I work in a nice firm, with cool people, and A LOT of work! :)

In a law office, you "always" have work. If you say you don't have something to do, you're not looking around yourself enough. There's always something to do and if you want to be ahead, you'd better keep your eyes open.

There are deadlines, court hearings, arbitrations, trials, etc. You can have so much work, you don't know where to start and where to stop!

Such is my desk :) ... An interesting thought process came up for me over the past couple of months that I want to share with all of you.

It's the illusion of time... It's relevant, you'll see.

I've been going in on the weekends from say 5:00 - 6:00 a.m., so I could be ahead of time frames and ahead of all the work on my desk. Usually, lots of firms do certain documents the day before an arbitration. My goal is to have that puppy done and out at minimum a week or, if I'm really focused... two weeks "prior" to the hearing.

That requires ME to do some significant shifting in how I run my desk and the work that comes across it. Including but not limited to the interuptions, phone calls, emergencies, etc.,

I also... don't like being all wigged out that I'll be down to the wire, that stresses me out. I dont' like being stressed out... it feels "bad".

So to alleviate that AND to be ahead... I go in on the weekend for like 4/5 hours, I'm done by 9:30 - 10:00 a.m. and there are NO distractions... just me, my mp3 player and pure uninterupted work time. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH... no interuptions, no phones, no nuttin! YES!

How time is relevant is... the first few times I did it, I'd go in on a monday with this false sense of security that the rest of the week would be a breeze. I was wrong...

With all the things I mentioned which is and are a distraction, I lost time anyway...

Why? :) Because I made an assumption, not based on FACT ... that in doing the extra on the weekend and having my desk be massively organized according to due dates and scheduling etc., that I had more time.

So what did I do? I stopped working at a frenzied pace.

Meaning, not that I didn't still do everything that I was supposed to do, but I made the assumption that I now had all this TIME ... w/o considering that if I kept at the pace I was going "prior" to going in on the weekends I could be ... as much as MONTH ahead and have no stress whatsoever.

Wouldn't that be a massively wonderful goal. Especially considering that my goal is a week to two weeks.

So, I'd go in... I"d have this illusion of control wherein I'd feel like I'd have ALL THIS TIME to get to things...

Yet ... it wasn't true. Time kept slipping through my fingers... the days still zipped by and I still had all the normal distractions during the week and the work still pours in and... POOF... all that time disappeared.

I decided, after seeing this little pattern of mine where I had an illusion of time and deadlines being met in advance due to my going in on the weekend that... I had to make time my friend.

Use it to my advantage. Right? Can you do that?

Sure you can... this weekend I went in not with the idea of cleaning up certain items which have dates on them but to clean up the busy work like putting files away, diarying them, follow ups, filing etc., that takes time away.

Then, I did an arbitration package which is due on April 2, 2009 ... if I want to have time be my friend and be ahead of it... instead of doing the "right now" stuff... which is okay to set aside a little bit... I did the stuff that I'm not able to "get" to because there's so much to do. So the goal was to go in and do the first arbitration package that was due and have it prepped and ready.

If I wait, until I do the other stuff, times going to catch up to me... and it's going to be done the day before. I'm not having that kind of stress... nope.

My goal, is to destress myself so much that time is no longer an issue because I've used it wisely.

Not this other thought process of "the illusion of control" over time where I dont manage it properly.

It may seem so silly to write about this but I think the illusion of control over time is something very important to talk about, becuase it affects many other things.

Life... how many of you were 20 years old a minute ago? I know I was... I'm only 22 :) LOL ...

We can't control time but we can control what we do with it and make it manageable... we can use it to our advantage and focus on how to use it wisely. Like I'm doing at work...

Focus is the primary goal here. Whatever it is that you're doing, you can restructure it to make things easier, less adrenaline filled and more smooth... I like the hustle and bussle HOWEVER ... doing things and getting ahead... where you can produce things and do things in a way where you're not always rushing... and thank goodness I have a boss who gave me the key :) ... and the ability to go in and use the early morning silence to my advantage... whenever I want to... makes other things mroe streamlined too.

Think about it... I know lots of you have massive workloads or things that can run you ragged... I don't think it has to be that way... If there's a way to manage your time more efficiently, find it... I've tried several different processes and the most recent is to start the package and do nothing else... but the package when I go in... a file review, based on how large it is can take a good ... 4/5 hours... that's a long time. When it's uninterupted it can still take that long but it's still faster and it's not being interupted.

Then you're ahead... We don't want you to fall into the "illusion of control" when it comes to time... and assume that becuase you're ahead in one area, that other area's aren't going to come and distract you from making more time by doing the extra.

You want to focus on the long term of managing it in a way that's going to help you overall.

Thoughts? I tell ya :) I'm a happy clam right now... LOL :)

Oh... was it worth getting up that early? Sure it was... because in wanting this goal to be accomplished, I had to shift some things and chores in my daily routine too... I had to make that more efficient and make some changes.

Nothing is engraved in stone... NOTHING... don't fall prey to the illusion of control over time or life... it's going to come and go... what you do or don't do, is all relevant.

Dont' you think?

Awful Plastic Surgery and Aging... Where are you?

2009-03-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

Most of the pictures in the site http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/category/cher/ are of celebrities. One woman's face, due to her perception of how she looked... was so altered that she wasn't attractive at all anymore. Joan Rivers is a good example, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and a slew of other actors and actresses all had nose jobs or work done on their faces and their bodies too.

The even have implants for guys arms to make their biceps and triceps look bigger. Talk about obsession. Wow.

I sat looking at these photographs in the site for about 40 minutes last night... I liked most of the before pictures, specially when you see what could happen if you go over board under the knife.

Saturday I went to my dentist. This is relevant :) bear with me. I went to the dentist and he did a big scaling and cleaning ... and he shaved my lower teeth down a little bit, and a top tooth a little bit too.

He handed me a mirror and before I looked I said, "If I don't seem to like it immediately, keep in mind that I've seen myself the same way for a number of years and it may take me a while psychologically to accept the newer view." He says, it looks great, you'll see.

I looked and it was "okay"... it took me until I got home and looked again to think... hmmm... yah, that's pretty good.

When I looked in the mirror, due to all the faces I was making and aging myself, all the fine lines in my forehead and around my eyes were really winking at me. Actually, they were waving madly! I told him, I think you just aged me 10 years... Yah, like they weren't there before? Suuuure they weren't.

Everyone is affected, whether they admit it or not, by what they perceive to be perfection in themselves. Heck, even the prettiest women in hollywood changed things about their faces.

As I age, I notice the fine lines, thankfully they're laugh lines, not frown lines. I have them in my forehead from the many expressions I make, not so much around my eyes, around my mouth ... you know those apostrophe's we can have there from smiling. Course, the skin begins to lose elasticity over time ... my neck started to get what I call chicken skin. Which is simply, if you look at a person in their 40's or up, the skin on their neck loses some of it's elasticity and doesn't bounce back like it used to.

Initially I saw these changes, which are ever so slow, but when you're tired or didn't do the whole face regimine thing they seem pretty pronounced.

Which brings me to face lifts. Wow, the botched facelifts I saw pictures of. The writer on the site called them "the wind tunnel" look. And it was true... how much skin can you pull back, while it's losing it's elasticity and have it look normal?

The face is going to age and the symetry will all be shifted with any work that's done. As that starts happening people start wanting to fix more and more. Have implants in their faces to make their face look... well, I guess younger and more youthful... I guess. But, it comes out looking ... all puffy and distorted.

My thing, is ... why not appreciate what we have? Accept aging as part of growing older. We can't change that, we're going to age. It's inevitable.

Same goes to lyposuction and the botched jobs you can see people have which make them think they're all thin and sexy. If they don't maintain certain lifestyle changes, it's going to come back.

Same goes for a tummy tuck or ... any other procedure you can come up with.

I'm not saying that I don't understand the ... perceptions people have about their body, face or aging. The desire to keep up, for the actor's and actresses in hollywood faced with the younger crowd, but ... I think that perception is a bit skewed... (sp?)

The desire to be more attractive or fix something they don't like about themselves is there. Lots of people go through a lot of negative thoughts and poor self esteem issues because of what they see and what they think others will find attractive.

And therein lies the answer... "What they think others will find attractive".

This isn't a new topic. It's been going on for years. All over... now they have shows about it like Nip Tuck and Extreme Makeover... Although in the show Extreme Makeovers they also promote an entire lifestyle change. HOwever, they're still promoting going under the knife to ... look better, to enhance their self esteem.

My own nose is crooked, I have a deviated septum, a doctor told me that once and I said... yup, that's why I part my hair this way. :) It offsets my nose. My deviated septum can stay right where it is, crooked and all. So there...

What I'd rather see... is people appreciate who they are, without buying into what other people say pretty is supposed to be.

Sure we have who we're attracted to, psychologically speaking people are usually drawn to people like themselves or who they think mirrors their own perceptions of themselves... However at what point do people give up the right to like themselves just as they are by getting major, costly surgery?

I'm not talking about people who had an accident either. You know where they have reconstructive surgery or things like that.

I mean, we're all going to age... We're all going to get wrinkles and chicken skin :) and things are going to go south...

What about enhancing what we have by say... hair color or make up or ... dressing to flatter what we already have?

That's still a bit superficial I guess but ... there are other things a person can do to boost their appearance and feel good about themselves. All that "feel good about yourself" starts from within anyway... right? Yes...

Then it shows outwardly ... Lets take, Ernest Borgnine for example. He's a ruddy looking fella, been in a number of movies and shows... I saw him in an interview one day a few weeks back and he's still him. Ruddy looking, with the space between his teeth ... still "him". I think that's pretty admirable. He is who he is...

Unfortunately, we're not taught to embrace who we are... everything swirls around what other people think and do.

It starts really young too. High school if not sooner. Whose the prettiest, whose the most likely to succeed... thank god no one said things about ... what's his name? That computer genius guy whose a kajillionare? Bill... oh ratts! I can't... GATES! Bill Gates! Not massively handsome... did his thing, is a massive success.

Can you imagine if he bought into all these things? Shame.

We can get so enticed... or lured into comparing ourselves to others as to what "we're not" that we forget to appreciate who we are in the first place.

This is where comparing is BAD... They do it in the tabloids all the time, who looks better in this dress and pit one actress against another in a photograph. All goes to perception right? Sure it does... because I"m sure both those women left the house liking how they looked in that outfit.

You never see... men compared like that. Now that I think about it. This sentence is subject to change if I find proof that there are comparisons like that going on.

Oh ... wait, high school year books. They do that... sorry, my mistake. They do it to guys too.

So how do we change these things?

I think, we can acknowledge that everyone is not created equal.

I think we can learn to focus on what good qualities we already have.

I think we can learn that we're okay as we are... and not compare ourselves to others.

I think we shouldn't be so romanced by TV and commercials and all those things that start us off comparing ourselves to others.

I think we can look at the younger generation and not think... "I'm aging, what's going to be left for me?" In any capacity.

I think we can learn to appreciate all that we are as an individual ...

We're going to change. We're going to age. We're going to be inadvertently compared to or see things that may entice us to buy into that mindset that we "have" to do certain things to keep up appearances or buy into what other people think ...

I think... accepting who we are ... right here and working up from there is the most important aspect of defining who we are and what we buy into.

But, this is nothing new... I'm not saying anything new at all. Yet, it's something that's been around forever.

In the end, when everything goes south :) and we have those laugh lines and furrows in our brow... the thing, that I think people are going to really focus on is...

Who you are... as a person. No?

Food for thought this morning.

Like who you are ... don't buy into all the commercial stuff you see, or the comparisons that are out there.

Be You... after all, you can't really be anyone else can you?

Venting or cronic complainer?

2009-03-13T03:16:00.000-07:00

My interpretation of venting is when a situation triggers an emotional response (reaction) from us. It could be anger, fear, stress related, disrespect related, emergency related ... I'm adding a bunch of descriptions so you know it's a variety of things that can trigger venting.

It could also be a compilation of things as well. One stressor after the other during the day and the last thing that happens to a person triggers the flood gates to open and POOF irrational gibber jabbering.

A person who is venting talks incessantly, asks questions which they don't really want an answer to other than to be validated for their feelings or understood. If they seem to get more frustrated because you're trying to "help" then you know that they are venting.

The key, for me, with venting and people who say they are venting is to pay attention to their actions thereafter. Often times we assume people may simply be complaining all the time, and that may be true... IF they have not remedied the source of what they needed to vent about.

Usually when a person is venting they are clearing out the negative emotions swirling around so that they can come back to rational thinking. Come back to "center".

Complaining, is often confused by people as venting because no one ever told them that venting was to regain their "center" and to reach clarity for themselves so that they can move out of the negative emotions and into an action mode where they can think clearly.

Got me so far?

If an individual is complaining all the time and everything is miserable in their life, we could be talking about victim mentality. Which is another topic in of itself. Victim mentalities don't recognize they have a way out or there are other things they can do. They are not solution oriented and can get, and remain stuck in the negative emotions. Sometimes they do this because they truly do not know any other way. They have not learned how to process their emotions and therefore are stuck in complaining mode.

You can see the difference between the two IF there is no action after the person has vented.

I have vented myself to people. I feel better and then I don't follow up and tell them what I've done to better my situation or how I'm working on it. So I can appear to be complaining, however some situations are not as easily remedied.

So what it comes down to, at least in my experiences, is how a person is handling their stressors, if they are action oriented (doing something about their situation and making an effort to do so, and it's not fast enough so they may feel frustrated and trapped) or if they are simply complaining about things expecting a different outcome without any change on their part or acknowledgment that there are things they can do differently.

An individual has to recognize for themselves that they can do something about their situation. Or they may continue to misinterpret venting as something that they can do ... but really all they are doing, is being a cronic complainer without taking any action.

Ya follow me?

They are alleviating stress, etc., HOWEVER they have not yet recognized that they need to do something different. EVEN IF they have been advised otherwise.

So we have "healthy" venting and irrational venting to get rid of the ick ... and then we have complaining where the person makes no effort to change their siutation or their external stressors.

Or, for that matter are not, or may not be aware that they CAN take charge of themselves, have no control over external circumstances, and can focus on what THEY need to do in any given situation.

So... the cronic complainer who takes no action falls dangerously close to someone who has a victim mentality, which can morph into a martyr mindset.

A victim, a true victim is not aware of something being done to them. Once they realize something has been done to them and they take charge, take action... they are no longer perceived as a victim.

Now, if a victim finds out that they are a victim, does nothing about it, they can develope a martyr mentality. Which is a person who recognizes they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation taking no action what so ever.

Now with some, there is a payoff for being a martyr. Attention it gives them because they don't know healthier ways of relating so others. They get to be mean to others because they are so taken advantage of ... "poor me" ... look what someone is doing to me.

On the other hand, a victim... may say nothing at all because they don't know what else to do. They don't know any remedies ... if they are actively searching out solutions, they don't necessarily turn into martyrs. Because they are solution oriented.

What ... clarifies, for me, what venting is and cronic complaining is the overall behavior of the individual that I'm talking to.

If they take action.
If, after they are done venting, they are open to talking about alternatives.
If I ask them if they would like me to just listen, and they say yes. Then after they feel better, they may be open to suggestion OR I hear or see them taking action about the particular problem.
If they are willing to identifhy and take responsibilithy for the situationand their part, if they are honest with
themselves as to what set them off so they can handle the situation better later on.

To name a few...

we can also talk about the draining effects that venting can have on us as the listener too.

We have to learn when to block out certain things so that we don't feel buried by "their" stuff when it's done.

Now, a complainer... to clarify the difference between a complainer and a venter... really just complains, is not open to solution and is consistently negative, and takes no action at all. These people would fall under the category of toxic people.

A venter is letting out stressors of the day or whatever emotional trigger hit them. These stressors, by the way, could be a compilation of things that they did not address as well that come out in one felled swoop too. HOWEVER the venter, when finished, is more solution oriented and seeking resolution, remedies and methods to make their situations more managable or liveable.

Have I been clear? What a shame I had to do it again... Which is fine.

OH! I almost forgot, if you are unsure if a person is venting because they want help ... ask them. You can ask them if they would like some suggestions or they simply need to vent.

If you find a person venting about the same thing, you may have to point out to them that you're hearing venting about the same topic and you would like to discuss some possible remedies.

If that doesn't work and the pattern continues ... well you may have to set a boundary with them as to just how much you can listen to.

Pride in your accomplishments ... Anything New?

2008-11-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

I have things that I used to do that really brought me a sense of pride and accomplishment. Although, at the time, I didn't realize it ... I just felt "good", however never linked the action with the feelings.

For example, Monday this past week, it was an ice day outside in the morning and I thought ... I'm going to wash my car. I put on my little MP3 player with my Christmas songs playing (that puts me in a very nice mood, among other music choices) and I got a big bucket, put the soap in it, got out my big huge car sponge and I started washing my car. My car is black so any little water drop or dirt, or bird poop ... we all know that happens, shows up and when it's dirty it just doesn't seem to feel as nice driving.

I don't know if any of you can identify with that feeling, so lets see.

So, I was out there a good 45 min to an hour. Washing, rinsing, doing the tires, rinsing, seeing where I may have missed, washing again. Took the rugs out and knocked the dirt out of them off a telephone pole, shook them some more, then put them back in the car. Then I dried her off ... and WOW !!

She looked so sleek and clean ... and SHINNY!

I stood back and surveyed my work. I had done a very good job. I was so happy because not only did I get to do something where I felt productive, but it also made me feel like I had accomplished something really great. I had quality alone time with myself, zoned out to my music, thought about whatever popped into my head, then on to the next thought and before I knew it, the task was done.

I was proud of my accomplishment. I think, sometimes, we miss all of these important bite size accomplishments that we have on a daily basis.

I think it's important to acknowledge that we may take for granted these little things as unimportant, or just something that we "have to do" for ourselves or even for others.

Now that I have realized how important even the littlest things can be, and ARE ... it's nice to feel that sense of accomplishment and pride in our life. And you can do this every day.

Why not? Who would deny themselves the opportunity to feel so good, over something so small? All things, to me, have meaning... it doesn't have to be HUGE it can be the little things.

Take a look around you and if you find something that you are particularly proud of, that you view as an accomplishment and don't fluff off as unimportant and it "just had to be done, so I did it"...

Post it! I would love to see it... and then I can share your good feelings too!

Whattaya say Folks? Want to try?

Some People just LOVE gossip!

2008-11-08T03:59:00.001-08:00

What would we do without gossip?

What would we do if we didn't talk about one another?

Think about it for a second... it, to me, is human nature to be that nosey about everyone else's business.

I like to go through AOL's tabloid section now and then ... not so much to see how vicious I can get about someone else's life, but for a little escapism and simple curiosity.

However, I see so many people who post comments who are so bitter and vicious, I wonder if they ever get out of the house at all.

Not all mind you, I would be wrong if I said it was everyone. However the people on some of these sites are so ... judgmental and vicious about someone else's life that I sit back and I wonder... what "they" are doing in their own life.

Where they learned how to rip someone else to shreds like that. It's a damned shame!

Like, they never made a mistake? Course, their mistakes aren't splashed all over gods green earth for people to pick at... like an old scab, just waiting to see what else is put up so they can gloat or critisize... It's really disgusting.

Take Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolee... the tabloids have been exploiting that topic now for ... what? Approximately 4 years?

They always have some "baiting" topic about how Jen is getting her revenge, or how Angelina may be threatened by Jen and that's why she didn't meet up with her one day...

They're always stirring the pot, making it worse then it needs to be... and people eat that stuff up.

What about... moving on? Lets move past the fact that they were all human, stuff happens, it's over ... ?

I mean can you all imagine, if your worst break up was splashed all over the media?

If you never got a moments rest because some paparazzi guy was following you and getting more pictures and slapping up a headline which may have absolutely nothing to do with what you were REALLY doing or thinking that day?

I tell ya... it's out of hand. Now, I do like magazines where they do interviews with the person directly. That's not all speculation or hearsay... it's straight from the horses mouth ... (Course even that can be subject to how they worded what the person said too.)

So how about it folks... what's your big attraction to these magazines that always hover over everybody, gossiping and slamming people ... like ... they don't have feelings or a right to privacy etc.

I think if people paid more attention to their own life, they would find they have no room to judge others.

I think that would be a good rule of thumb.

Some Entertainment ... LOL The Fly Swat Game!

2008-11-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

We're so serious sometimes I think it's good to have a little escapism now and then.

Enjoy! LOL :)

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

Being Assertive... It's really not so hard.

2008-11-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

I had some paperwork to copy today, so I went over to Staples. I put my folder down on the copier to remove some staples from the correspondence and put them in the feeder. I inserted my card, pressed two (2) for the number I needed and the papers began to feed. The machine keeps tabs on how many copies and then charges you accordingly.

I'm watching this tabulation go up to approximately $20.00 for about 31 copies. That made no sense, so I went over to the girl at the counter and asked her how much copies are. She advised that the machine I am on was a color copier and those copies were $.49 ... I said, oh... well, I only made black and white copies, I didn't realize that it wouldn't make a difference in price. She comes over to the machine, lifts my folder and points to this rather large sign which read that all copies, whether black and white or color were .49 each.

I asked what the other machines cost per copy and she said .08 per copy. I then asked her if I could get some kind of refund or credit as I had inadvertently used the other copy machine not realizing I would get charged the other amount. She said "No"... and really wouldn't budge.

I asked about a rebate, or a credit with the store... it made no logical sense to me to have to pay twenty dollars for copies due to a mistake on my part. She again, said "No".

I thought, wow they're really stern here. It didn't sit well with me at all, it wasn't the policy that was my problem, it was more the unyeilding responses where consideration was not afforded to me for this innocent mistake. It is/was something that could be easily remedied.

I asked to speak to a manager. She called him over, spoke to him as he walked up, pointed to me and he came over. I explained to him that I had made a mistake, I respect that I had misunderstood the little sign and hadn't seen the other sign and would he be so kind as to refund me the difference. I did have two copies that came out in color and I advised I would be happy to pay the dollar for that however the entire cost was completely in error on my part.

He refunded me $16.00 ... and I was happy. So, what's my point?

Don't get mad at the person behind the counter. They are only doing their job.
Don't assume that you must accept something before going further or over the clerk's head to see if something can be remedied.
Don't yell, be defensive, or be rude to the staff.
Speak clearly and nicely to any and all individuals you may have to speak to with your request.
Acknowledge that you made a mistake, if you have, and politely ask for what you want.

You may still get a "no" depending on the situation... however, at least you asked and made an effort to resolve it. Sometimes we assume we have to accept what someone says without question. At minimum, if you ask, and the response is still no... and you are not satisfied you can always go above someone else's head as well.

However, it never hurts to ask, and see if something can be worked out. If you are reasonable and rational towards others in your requests, I can't say that I would think you would meet with any problems.

Try it... The worst thing that could happen ? They could say No... that's not so bad and at least you tried.

How To Make Change...Change is GOOD!

2008-10-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

A small lesson in change.

Here’s my thought. I want you to recognize that you have the power to change anything in your life that you put your mind to. How? By being consciously aware that’s how.

I’d like to give you an exercise to do.

Take one thing that is normally in a set place and move it to another location. Like your tooth brush, the dish soap or your towels moved from one shelf to the other.

For a couple weeks or up to one month, leave that item in its new place. Initially you may remember where that item is, however due to being conditioned to look in a specific place you’re going to find that over time your subconscious mind will reach for that item in its "old" spot.

Why? Because you have been conditioned to do so. Based on habits and/or patterns of behavior that you have developed.

Over time you will see that, you will no longer reach in the old spot for the item but automatically go to the new one. However you will go back occassionally to the old spot, scratching your head and wondering where it went, until of course you remember.

What I’m saying here is that YOU can change ANY habit by being more consciously aware. You can change life patterns, bad habits, develop new habits … as long as you are consciously aware and make a "thinking" effort to do so.

We all know about the things in life that we do that are patterns of behaviors, we just may not be aware of how seriously they affect us in our every day lives.

So, what am I saying?

1. Define what it is that you want to change.

2. Make a conscious "thinking" effort to decide what you want to change.

3. Pay attention to yourself and the cycles that you have and stop yourself from continuing them.

How long does this take? As with anything new that is learned, it can be in an instant or it can take repetition. It depends on how bad you want it, how much effort you put into it and more importantly how aware you are of yourself and your actions.

I want to add here that you will find that just like with that item that you moved from one place to the other, once in a while your old habits will sneak back up on you and you will be pulled to go back to the old ways of thinking and doing.

Your best bet to over come these times is to remind yourself that you have a choice. Believe in what you want and what you want to do.

If it helps tell those who would be supportive of you what you are trying to change in your life to reinforce your determination.

I’ll be here. Write and let me know how it works out.

Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981
Confidence is Silent. It doesn’t defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
www.dsisuet.com

Econimic Crisis Affecting You?

2008-10-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

Every where you look, everything you read and see, all talks about the economic state of things. I can't foresee the future in this arena, nor can I advise you how to manage your finances.

What I can do is support you when you feel overwhelmed. How many times have you been through a rough period in your life? How many times did you pull through that rough time?

The proof that you "can" pull through lies within the times you pulled through a situation that could have buried you emotionally, physically and financially. Your key word is COULD have buried you. But, it didn't did it? You made it through. Right?

One thing leads to the other ... if you're emotionally stressed out, you may lose interest in taking care of yourself because your focus is solely on what you don't have financially or what you are afraid you may lose.

Maybe you stop working out, or give into the feelings of helplessness that you may experience. And, make no mistake, we are all human and we all can feel helpless or overwhelmed from external factors.

If you draw on the times that you made it through... and you seek out new ways to manage what's currently going on in your life, you may find that, while it is scary to be confronted with all of these stressors, there is always something different that you can do.

If something you are currently doing, doesn't seem to be working... you can go online and you can type in the words, say ... financial help, budgeting resources, restructuring my budget, etc., and I guarantee you that you are going to find resources and suggestions as to how to restructure your budget and through that, since you are "doing" something and not just giving into your fears... you are going to start feeling more motivated, not as helpless ... not as out of control of your situation.

If you are doing SOMETHING towards restructuring, or refocusing yourself on the possibilities out there and educate yourself on what you can be doing vs. sitting there in fear and doing nothing... SOMETHING good is going to come out of it.

It may not come over night, it may not come a month from now, you may have to cut back a little bit, however if you just sit there and allow all of these emotions to cloud your mind, if you sit and don't LOOK for resources (The internet has a plethura of resources and what's more cost effective than free?) and ask what other people are doing, join an online network designed to provide you with new ideas, you're going to remain in the same position you currently in.

Which may be, stiffled by your own fears and the swirl of overwhelming emotions that come with it.

Aren't you allowed to feel this way? Of course... we are all human beings, we all feel, we all have thoughts and can become afraid or unsettled.

What you need to do is to talk things through with someone, vent, scream into a pillow, take a run, workout to alleviate all those negative feelings and open up room in your mind for new thoughts, new ideas, the desire to say, "HEY! I DON'T HAVE TO BUY INTO THIS MINDSET!"

If you fall, you get up. Right?

Life isn't exactly about a scraped knee, I agree with you. HOWEVER if you view it from the perspective of ... Okay, I fell and scraped my knee, it healed, and now I've learned to avoid that hole over there by going around it, then you've learned a valuable lesson. Haven't you?

So what about your current situation? What things would you be able to do, even if only slightly differently, that would change your current situation?

The other thing that comes to mind for me is for people to NOT worry about what the other guy thinks. Meaning, stop worrying about the Jones', stop assuming that because you're struggling right now, it's something to be ashamed of. IT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF ... Everyone needs a little help and/or guidance at times. Myself included, I'm not different than you or anyone else.

And, yes... I can tell you from experience that when things have gotten bad for me in this arena, I start seeking out solutions. I talk about it, I vent, I see what others around me are doing... I want to know, how to change my current situation to make it better.

What about you? What are some of the things that you focus on to keep up a good perspective on your present situation? I would love to hear from you.

See you soon!

Integrity ...

2008-10-09T05:50:00.001-07:00

"To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time."
– Katharine Hepburn

Men/Women on Assertiveness vs. Confrontation

2008-10-09T05:17:00.000-07:00

Based on each individuals life experience, anyone, male or female can have experience high levels of anxiety addressing things with someone. Male or female.

I've seen it more times then I've got fingers n' toes.

Based on your very first experiences and up through the present time there are patterns of behavior that we carry with us. Which are "learned".

This means that it can be "UNlearned" and you can become more assertive and address things as they come up, or as soon as you recognize what it is that may bother you.

Never think for a moment that you can't over come it. Do know that you may not over come it over night.

Assertiveness seems to have a bad name. Women who are assertive are called bitches, men who are assertive are called arrogant.

Right? I've seen and heard this "a lot" over time and throughout alot of my experiences.

Here's the thing. Some women who are assertive "are" bitches, because they believe they have to be an impenitrable wall in order to get their point across and to be heard. There's no room for discussion with them, and they may resemble a mountain that is neither empathetical OR moveable.

This is not true.

Men come across as arrogant because they're using their perceived "power" to intimidate or be, again... the mountain. His word is law, there is no deviation from this conversation and thereafter the conversation is soon terminated because there's simply nothing to discuss.

Neither one of these ways, while they "WORK" mind you, are the best way to be assertive. No matter if you are a male or a female. Because it makes people afraid to approach them, people lie to them or withhold information from them for fear of the backlash and the consequences of going up against such an "assertive" individual.

Matter of fact, these bad behaviors, are often times applauded by those who may be a little bit thin skinned. I mean, why not? We can get so'n'so to go after that person, because "I" don't know how to do it myself and then "I" won't look like the bad guy.

How convenient.

Assertiveness can be done with being clear on what it is we want, and then expressing it in a manner that's goign to help the other individual hear us.

To attack a person when we're "angry" is bad. It makes them defensive (the other person) and no one is going to get any where.

To come across as unyeilding and that there's no other way but ours is part of being self protecting.

When we express something to another we don't have to be nasty, loud, self protecting, arrogant or unyeilding.

We "can" express what we need to say and resolve things w/o having an argument.

Of course, it depends on "who" we're talking to as well. Sometimes "nice" and with feeling may not cut it. Depends on who we're talking too.

I'll use being at the doctors office for my ear as an example with the medicine.

I advised that I'd read up on the medication and I had some concerns, specially since I was having a root canal and it affects your immune system. I asked what he thought would be the best thing to do because I was afraid to take it based on what it is and the oral surgery.

I also advised him that I wasn't negating his expertise however I did have some concerns based on the type of medicine that it is.

I didn't go in there both barrels blazing and say, "you're an idiot for not asking me if I was on any other medications or if I was having dental work done like your supposed to!" :) That wouldn't have worked.

And we had a nice conversation.

If I'd gone in there defensive and accusing, the conversation would have gone south pretty quickly.

So it's, what do I want for myself, for others and for the relationship? (these questions are directly out of my communication book)

I wanted to be heard and acknowledged for my fears and concerns with regard to this medication.

I did not want the doctor to feel that I was being uncooperative or negating his expertise which would have made him defensive (IMHO).

And I wanted to keep the lines of communication "open" so that he'd respect what I had to say in the future as well.

Also, I'd had the same conversation with the fella who did the hearing test on Tuesday. He seemed to shift and become slightly defensive in tone of voice and mannerisms, and I'd told him as well... that I wasn't saying I was questioning the doctors expertise however I "did" have some concerns about the treatment.

He shifted gears instantly.

We can't predict how another person can react to what we're going to say, however we can stop and start over when we see them reacting badly or getting defensive. We have all the control in the world over that.

This is only one small example.

Assertiveness and saying what we need to say, when we need to say it, and how we word things can all be done very differently. We don't have to come through like a bull in a china shop, or be so unyeilding that we shut off any and all communications with others. Because we're not going to get any where for you or the other person.

It doens't mean you're a push over either. It takes more personal strength "not" to react to another individuals behaviors or poor communication skills and reactions than it does to be sucked into an argument which was never our intent in the first place.

Granted there are those people who you may not get any where with that happens, and no matter what you try... you'd be talking to a wall. After a while you'll recognize the difference :)

Mind you! As always, these things usually do not work in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.

Free Thinker ? What IS free thinking?

2008-08-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

Freethinking, according to Wikipedia is:

"Freethought holds that individuals should neither accept nor reject ideas proposed as truth without recourse to knowledge and reason. Thus, freethinkers strive to build their beliefs on the basis of facts, scientific inquiry, what's gone by one's own eyes, and logical principles, independent of any factual/logical fallacies or intellectually-limiting effects of authority, cognitive bias, conventional wisdom, popular culture, prejudice, sectarianism, tradition, urban legend, and all other dogmatic or otherwise fallacious principles. As such, when applied to religion, the philosophy of freethought holds that, given presently-known facts, established scientific theories, and logical principles, there is insufficient evidence to support the existence of supernatural phenomena."

How many times have any of you heard someone say something, perhaps with a tone of authority... and you (maybe) take that to be truth without ever questioning the source or examining the facts?

We are so inundated with so much nonsense these days aren't we?

One person says something, we take it as truth, without ever discussing it and trying to find the truth of the matter. To me, it's about an old saying I've heard over and over again ... "there's one side, the other side and then the truth" (not exactly the phrase but you get the idea, right?).

I've always questioned everything and wanted to know why ... we take so many things as truths all the time, every day ... and then we repeat them as if we have no mind of our own.

If we find someone to agree with us, well! We're really batting a thousand aren't we?

What about ... realizing that what's real for another, like thier personal beliefs or what they heard doesn't have to be "real" for us?

Changing up how we see things around us and leaving room for things to be different?

My point is that, nothing in life is engraved in stone. Except maybe death... that's pretty final. Can't do much about that... but the time we have inbetween... so colored over by what other people say, think and/or do... people can walk around quite ... uninformed or misguided ...

I think this is especially true of things that we hear in the media, on fashion shows (what's hot what's not things) ... so many things it's too difficult to make a list that long... well, I could but I don't have all morning!

How about stuff that form beliefs... like ... after 50 you should just lie on the couch and do nothing?

After you retire you have no worth?

After you reach a certain age it's all down hill from there?

You must stay young looking and spend a kajillion dollars on all these products while the makers of these products make sure to touch on people's sense of self and how they look or how to prevent certain things?

What's hot and what's not?

What you should wear and what you should not wear.

You're too OLD for that. (oooh, good one)

The world is a bad place (turn on the news).

Everyone's out to get you.

There are no do gooders in the world today.

You must hate one kind of person because joe shmoe thinks you should.

You must have a particular lifestyle to be happy in life.

You must conform and think inside the box in order to make it anywhere.

Course, some things seem true...

But, what about the rest?

How about old school beliefs we may hold so dear?

What about it folks? Have any other examples of how people are inadvertently put into a box?

I'd like to hear them.

Sue T.
Emotional Awareness & Life Coach
Confidence is Silent. It need not defend itself. It Simply Exists Inside You.
http://www.dsisuet.com/

Your Environment DOES make a difference... Take a look!

2008-07-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to this store called Trader Joe's. I had never been in there so I asked a woman outside, friendly lady :) ... if she thought they had any cat food/litter inside. She said she wasn't sure but probably.

I asked her what kind of store it was and she told me it was a food store ... I ran into her all throughout the store and we chatted. That happens a lot when you go food shopping, ever notice that? The people you go in with you usually see in the same isles over and over again. Makes for good conversation if you're open to it. I always am, I like to play with people.

Anyway, I go in ... and it's set up like this "perfect" little country store. And I mean "perfect" Just what you needed and some specialty items here and there. They did have cat food but not a big variety, and some new fangled kind of cat litter there that's amazing. I've never seen it before but based on how it's working, I'm going to get it some more. You can even use it later in a mulch bed. (or something like that.... lol)

Now... I have to tell you... that as I walked around this store, in it's little "general store" set up ... I was happy as a clam. I "almost" expected to walk out side and be in a country setting... instead of the hot parking lot and back to reality. (That's just a shame isn't it?)

I was talking to people, laughing, kidding around, just having a grand old time... amusing the devil out of myself.

Course, as always because I see things ... people looked at me funny and the check out girl looked at the checkout guy I was working with and gave him "one of those looks" like... who IS this woman? (No, trust me, it was about me. Shame we're not used to happy people right? Speculation, I know.)

The registers were these little cute thingy's ... and the guy I had was really nice ... and he humored me and answered my plethura of questions and stuff ... I'm very curious about things and when I'm excited it shows. And why not? Huh?

SO! What is my point anyway... Being in this environment, and having it resemble something I love ... like a general store ... which would be in the country and filled with small town people (although it wasn't) shifted my mood... I was happy, and talkative, and just thrilled to death over how comfortable the place felt to me.

Goes to associating places with feelings/emotions.

When I'm in the country, in a little general store, with little items to chose from and not in one of those HUGE buy all here places... I feel more at home. I LIKE the country idea of it. Because I like the country.

Thus, you have my being so friendly, I am usually anyway but... so relaxed and feeling so good, because it's my favorite type of place to be in . That and an antique shop. Love those...

So, here is my question for all of you.

How many of you, pay attention to what makes you feel really good... and identify with it?

Me? I plan on going back there even if it's just for a cookie...

Think about it... then let me know.

Breast Implants - The Alternative

2008-05-18T06:22:00.001-07:00

You know, there is so much talk about breast implants and there are women out there who feel like if they have implants it'll make them feel better, look better, improve their confidence etc.,

And some of them, get them and they are as happy as a clam. And that's okay if that's what it takes ... I mean, the choice is theirs, that's fine right?

I can't help but wonder though... as I compiled the list you are going to see ... if it's really necessary ... The following are all women who have smaller breasts ... and I'm not sure who may have teased women who have smaller breasts or what perception they got about women who have bigger breasts that they need to enhance their own ... however, that being said...

It would be a damned shame for someone to tease a young girl or make her feel badly about her breast size ... I never worreid about that ... And neither have these people ... ready?

Sara Jessica Parker (I'm pretty sure she does not have large breasts)
Nicole Kidman
Gwyneth Paltrow
Cameron Diaz
Debra Messing
Anne Hathoway
Michelle Pheifer
Charlize ... theron? (the actress from S. Africa? Anyone know her correct spelling of her name because I couldn't remember)
Kate Boswoth
Hillary Duff
Nicole Richie
Paris Hilton
Jody Foster

I think that's enough... I'm putting this up here because while I realize that there are all kinds of perceptions women get about breast sizes and what's attractive and what's not... if you were EVER teased or felt small (no pun intended) due to someone teasing you or not having developed as you thought you may have wanted to?

I'd REALLY like you to take a look at this list I've made above ... because none of these women have large breasts.

And they're okay ... this is one of those irrational beliefs I feel that women carry around with them due to the things they've heard and seen or that were said about them over the years...

And you know whut? None of them have to be true unless YOU buy into it...

You see?

And I tell ya! Women who do have large breasts, were teased too! Course, some are bombshell's today like Pamela Anderson but her breasts are enhanced too. She wasn't that large on Tool Time years ago.

So not the point I'm trying to make here)

You are perfect just the way you are... okay?

Classy or Trashy?

2008-05-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

As a companion post to this last one I just put up, I wrote this one a long time ago, as it pertains to how women view what sexy is... or isn't for that matter. Enjoy :)

Who would you like to be today? Classy or trashy ...

Now yah :) I found a guy swinging around a pole ... haha! BUT ... it's a location thing. (not porn or anything like objectionable just fun stuff) ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVHJKqvuLWc&feature=related

Then I found this one with Beyonce and Christina Aguilera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95RIacdGBXg&NR=1

Sexy women, playing, dancing, entertaining ... but trashy?

Suggestive ... yah, but try to disrespect them. I dare you... there is a big difference between THIS and the location ... and real life and walking around posing like ... heck playboy has more sexy photo's then I've seen some people put photo's up.

Where's the middle ground ladies? Guys?

Self respect right?

Confidence?

Being who you want to be?

Not allowing someone in your personal space unless invited?

Not buying into the fact that there's so much misinformation out there as to what's important?

Come on now...

Distinction in what I'm showing you and how some perceive it is that no one's touching either one of these women w/o being invited ...

I'd take a wild stab in the dark but I'll bet you that neither one of these women would tolerate BAD attention...

What Kind of Attention Do You Want?

2008-05-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write about this topic for quite some time now. While I'm waiting for my clothes to dry in the dryer I'll see if I can formulate my thoughts on the topic of attention.

Attention, to me, is a double edged sword. We all want attention... we can get attention at any time.

But... what kind of attention is it that people want?

Hmmm?

We can talk about all kinds of attention, but for now I'd like to talk about the attention a young girl seems to think they're supposed to get from the opposite sex.

Okay?

I was recently browsing this young girls page and ... I saw that she had some pretty sexy pictures of herself on her page. They're about ... 18/19 years old. (I forget exactly) and the pictures are all sexy and ... man, I about swallowed my head. Literally...

I thought ... didn't I dress sexy and kid around when I was younger? Yah ... for me I didn't realize what kind of attention that would attract.

Young ladies today have this impression, and so do some older women, that sexy is where it's at. No wonder though, because it's all around us. We can't deny that.

But, what kind of attention is that getting younger more naive young ladies? I stress over this because I have a daughter... who I'm trying to "teach" about attention and what kind, and what it brings to the table.

I never accepted rude attention from people (men/guys/boys) at the same time ... I'd get it, but ... it never occurred to me the backlash certain types of attention "could" have on an individual if they weren't emotionally prepared for it.

Like, a young girl these days ... not all... some, dress sexy and they get attention and everything. Okay, that's fine but what about the girls who think that this is "the only" kind of attention?

Guys thinking they're hot, or sexy, not viewing them as a "person" but an object, if you get my drift.

I can put up, and I have, video's of famous singers who are very sexy... what's missing out of those video's is that, there's a line they draw, I'm sure... in their every day life with those around them.

As to what is appropriate behavior, what is appropriate personal space, appropriate touching, appropriate responses to certain kinds of attention.

But, young ladies are taking this to the extreme. They begin basing being sexy on "this is the only kind of attention to get" because "look at me, I'm hot!" ...

I think that's not the best kind of attention to get. It leads to other things.

And we don't worry about people who "get" that it's only dressing up or dancing.

We/I worry about the people who read into these things, who take advantage of a young lady for being so expressive.

Ladies like attention. Ladies of all ages like attention. Why not? It feels good. I remember a guy friend of mine complimented my eyes last summer. :) Man... I giggled like a hyena. Yes, I really did... LOL ... all blushing and acting like a school girl. I was adorable LOL ... if not really silly. That's how I am... because I know that if someone crosses a certain line with me, that's going to be addressed.

BUT ... at the same time, no boundaries were crossed, the intentions of the person who said it were not under speculation and I know them.

What about when women are starved for attention? What about when young girls think that this is the only way to be liked or viewed?

I've dressed up sexy, so many times, I don't have enough fingers and toes. The way I carry myself, and the way I respond to people and who I am... is all about setting boundaries, deflecting bad behaviors from others, about respect and disrespect and not tolerating certain types of attention. Even when I was younger, like this young girls page I saw ... I still had that ... uh, I guess you could say attitude of "can't touch this" but I like to dress up.

People/young ladies/women can become confused as to the type of attention they're getting when they act sexy or dress up.

The type of attention they should be getting, may be way off from the type of attention that they "are" getting. Sexual attention is flattering. Sure it is... who doesn't want someone attracted to them?

I submit though, that there's more to a young lady/woman than just sexual attraction.

The best kind of attention, to me, is having a person like me ... not because I'm sexy or attractive ... although I respect that this can come first, and for me too. They should take the time to get to know me, hang out, enjoy each others company, see if past the sexy, the attraction, and all that superficial stuff ... if we really like each other.

I think this is such an important aspect of being a young lady. And there are still plenty women out there who believe that, as they get older that this attraction, through being sexy ... is all there is the rest will follow. It's not true ...

Anyone can have sex. Anyone can look sexy, dress sexy, talk sexy ... but after that, what's left?

It's also part of, in my humble opinion, a part of why some older women fall into the pattern of thinking that attraction is more important then getting to know a man. Why they are afraid to tell a man "no" who approaches them and it turns out to be only for sex. So they go through one person after the other, never truly liking a guy, because they haven't considered ... doing anything differently or they never realized that there was another way.

Let's face it, sexy commercials and video's have been around a hellofa long time now. It's not that difficult to see how women could develope this belief.

I submit, that young ladies "can" be sexy and cute. So can older women, BUT in the long run, you decide what kind of attention is acceptable to you, what you are going to set a boundary with guys about, what you are putting out there, you're going to get.

I think, most women want to be cherished and appreciated for "who they are" ... I think, we forget to teach this at an early age and these misconceptions spread from one generation to the other.

Sexy's nice... but what kind of attention do you want?

You see?

After the relationship is over ...

2008-05-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

How is it that people in a relationship, know what the problems are in their relationships, but ... they still resist doing what their partner is requesting (providing it's a nice healthy relationship based on mutuality, compromise etc., and not an abusive relationship, again! gotta put this in here!) "even though" they know if they make an adjustment, that things could inevitably get better.

Then, after the couple breaks up, the other person, almost always and I've seen this happen... Makes those changes in their next relationship, for the better! AGH!

Gack! What is THAT all about?

This phenomenon never ceased to amaze me. Because I've had ex's who've done almost "exactly" what I'd said I had a problem with in their next relationship. Can ya just "stand it!"

I have a theory. Our closest relationships growning up was a parent. That, is a type of intimate relationship. Right?

Sure it is.

So, we take those "blocks" if you will, or old patterns of relating to someone "with us" (as you know or may not know) into our personal relationships.

Right?

Sure.

We resist anyone "telling" us what to do, because we're not children anymore, yet the thing that we're missing when we "ask" for something is to "ask" and be clear on what we need.

And the thing is, we need to let our significant other know this as well. "To ask" not "TELL" is really important, to "suggest" not "demand" is very important...

I mean, you are an adult now, yes?

Sure. :)

So you have the ability to design how your relationships, as an adult are. You have the ability to decide what you want in your relationships and then to work towards that goal of a happier healthier relationship.

And this goes both ways too... for saying so's sake.

Something, that to me, goes neck'n'neck with this, is how we can run into an ex ... right? And sit down and go through memory lane with them, and little by little, time permitting ... talk out everything that bothered us "at that time" ... and walk away with that feeling or sense of closure.

Right?

Sure.

But, see... now here's the thing.

We're so busy "fighting" in the relationship to be "heard" that we barracade ourselves from being hurt by our partner, by not truly listening to what they're saying, NOR being clear on what WE ourselves wanted in the first place!

So since we're busy not wanting to get hurt, when the emotional end of things wear off and fear isn't as prevalent, it's "then" that we feel safe to discuss these things.

AFTER the break up.

Now, :) I've done this myself so, I can say that this is ass backwards folks.

So the thing is,

Being clear on what we'd like and need.

Being able to express it to our partner.

Realizing that our partner "is not our parent" and someone to fight to be an individual with, but to grow with and to learn to share. You are not your parents, nor do you have to fight with your partner to prove it, :)

Give yourself time to cool off and reflect what it is that you'd like to express to your partner. Then make time to talk about it after you've become clear on what it is that bothered you.

Learn to ask, suggest, and be open to not only YOUR concerns and fears but theirs as well.

Learn how to listen. :) Because that's just as important.

Learn how to make it safe for the two of you to open up to one another, by listening first (sometimes we have to do that FIRST before being heard).

Learn how to say, I'm sorry.

Identify and pay attention to YOUR patterns of relating to someone so that you can change. Yesssssssss, you do have to change as well.

Why would you toss a perfectly good relationship, by being stubborn?

Hmmmm? Why wait till it's over to do the things that will enhance your relationship?

Now, I'm not talking about things you're dead set against, or that you may find goes against everything you believe in, and everyone's relationship is different, but can you just imagine how many relationships go right down the sh*tter just because people are stubborn?

Because they wait until years after they've broken up for closure and to truly express how they felt at the time? As opposed to expressing it at the time?

And no blame games please.

Think about what you want. Be clear. Don't send mixed messages to your partner. THAT isn't going to help anybody.

I also know that when you're starting a relationship you need to pay attention to what kind of person you're dealing with.

Instead of falling prey to that "attraction" in the beginning. Attraction is always going to be there ... but "who" that person is, taking the time to see if you are interested in them as a person (which by the way, makes sex better) is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

Life is like frying up potatoes

2008-03-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

I was just slicing up some onion and some boiled potatoes to fry up (yum!). There were a lot of pototatoes and initially I was slicing them nice and thin, so they would get all crispy like I like them.

As I sliced, I started thinking about what I wanted to do today, the slices became larger, and I found myself hurrying to finish faster so I could cook them and get back to my "other stuff" to do today.

What in the h*ll does this have to do with life? Well... I'll tell you my thought process ...

It goes to patience, and taking our time with certain processes. Initially, we are patient and we go slowly into personal growth one step at a time. More things come up that we would like to work on and we start going a little faster assuming that we just need to get it done.

What happens when we do this is we miss out on all the important things that come from taking our time and having patience with the process of getting to know ourselves better.

Of enjoying life because we just hurried through it without taking our time to make things as we want them. We want them too fast, we become impatient, we forget that it's all about what we want and the results thereafter.

Maybe I'm only talking about slicing up potatoes and onions for breakfast, yet if you think about it ... if we don't have patience with ourselves, if we don't recognize that these things can often take some extra TLC and time with ourselves ... then we could end up not having exactly what we really wanted.

Crispy tasty potatoes. :) (Or is it, the life we want to create?)

Thoughts?

Sue T.
Emotional Awareness & Life Coach
Confidence is Silent. It need not defend itself. It Simply Exists Inside You.
http://www.dsisuet.com/

OH OH! OR like Beef stew! You can't rush good beef stew can you? NOPE!

Keep your friends out of a box ...

2008-03-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

"If you treat an individual as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be."
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The first thing that came to me when I read this was a friend of mine who teases me about burning things when I was in my early 20's. Cooking and me ... well, lets just say those glass pots didn't help!

It's been close to ... 20 years and he still laughs and pokes fun at me. Truth is, I still burn stuff now and then and it's really funny! And I don't mind, because you know, I cook good things too. Lets see if I can still say that after Easter this year. I'm helping cook at his house.

BUT ... where I'm going with this is sometimes we keep our friends and family in a "box" by always reminding them of their mistakes, not being as supportive of them as we could be, not acknowledging them for "who they are today" and perhaps "what their goals and aspirations are" TODAY in the here and now ...

I think that's not so good ... I mean imagine going to a friend or family member and having them remind you of how scattered you always were and what makes you think that you can accomplish "plah" today?

That's pretty undermining isn't it? Try to view an old person in a new light. You may be surprised what some support from those closest to you may yeild.

Course, not all friends and family are as supportive as we need. We do need different kinds from time to time. So seek other support systems or groups to help you too.

We all need some support at any given moment. Just because you may not be getting it from family and friends, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

What do you think? :)

Freedom is not procured by full enjoyment...

2008-03-08T03:40:00.000-08:00

"Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling the desire."
— Epictetus

To me, this means to take the time to truly focus on the results we want in our lives.

When we realize we're miserable, because sometimes we assume that we're unable to control our environments or those in it, (And not in the sense of controlling another person but in making wiser choices and not being a victim of "circumstance") we find ourselves at a point where we can actually "see" that we can make a difference.

The thing is, while we've now discovered that we can play a hand in our own lives without being dragged from circumstance to circumstance, we may grow impatient. It may not happen "fast enough" for us.

We assume that because things don't get better "overnight" that things will "never" get better.

And, this is the farthest thing from the truth.

Restructuring our lives, takes effort. It takes personal insights into what is not working in our lives, and then personal decisions and actions towards what we "do" want in our lives.

And all the while we're doing that, there will be some fear, some self doubt, some wondering if this can truly be done.

If a person were to become impatient, when their efforts yield little to no results "initially" and they quit focusing on the things that they want. They're inevitably going to fail.

Because they gave up too soon.

Some change, like ... say finances, that takes planning. Right? Restructuring.

The same holds true for relationships and restructuring and deciding how you'd like your relationships to be, to "Truly" be.

It doesn't mean you're giving up who you are, but truly "deciding" who you are and what you want. And this is "Okay."

The same holds true for your job, your every day life, and the choices you make in it.

Baby steps as a person builds confidence in their ability to truly have what they want in their life, is not a bad thing. It, to me, is a necessary step in achieving what they "thought" they wanted because "now" they're actually "thinking" about it vs. being swept away with circumstance.

As their confidence builds they learn to communicate what they want, what is not acceptable, and in this, they learn how to accept that they're "worth" it.

There is something that people neglect to remember. That is that it's every human beings right to chose to accept or discard certain things in their lives.

There is twist in this... something that is helpful to know is that when we focus on our needs "as well as" what the needs of those around us are, resolution and positive movement forward (except in abusive relationships, always hvae to put this here) WILL happen.

Sometimes we need to learn to "listen first" (this isn't the easiest thing on earth when we "want" something) because it's much more difficult to work with someone who's defensive and may feel put off by "our" changes for the better.

(i.e., being left behind, what will it mean in their life when we make this change? I liked things the way they were, feeling as though they are left to their own devices in some cases because perhaps you've decided to stop "doing" for everyone else, and began doing for yourself ... can you come up with some?)

Realizing that to have patience with this newfound thought process that you don't have to just go situation to situation with no control as to the outcome, is an interesting yet frightening idea. Because you'll have to assert yourself.

Be patient with your process of realizing that you can have what you want, and change your life. You have to "practice" changing how you think, practice remembering that YOU have a say vs. assuming that going along with what everyone else is doing is going to yield you better results.

Take your time, be specific in what you want ... and begin doing it. If your desires out weight your initial ability to "know" what to do, you may give up too soon.

And we don't want you to do that. :)

Keep doing it, keep at it, and remember to have patience with yourself.

Sue T

Sharing and feeling vulnerable

2007-12-09T06:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever shared an emotion with some one? Sure we all have right?

But have you shared an emotion with some one when you were feeling down and vulnerable and then when they come back to you with soft suggestions and thoughts to help you through.

You minimize your own emotions and say something like "oh it's not so bad" .. or "this will pass"?

I think we do it all the time. I think people assume that if they are vulnerable to another person that they may be perceived as weak.

Is this true? Is the world so wrapped up on protecting itself that common normal emotions, like pain, abandonment, fears, anxieties or a thought that comes springing up from seemingly no where can be expressed and then quickly hidden away in the deep recesses of our minds?

Why is that?

I have a saying. I've used it often in my own life. It's simple and I'm sure you all may have heard it before ... "Don't mistake kindness for weakness"....

Doesn't that apply to everybody? I mean, when we hurt or we share something with another human being, who will listen and help us to feel better. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, that's when the real growth within ourselves starts.

How?

Because we're being honest about what we feel on the inside. And when we're honest with someone else, it helps us to be more honest with ourselves ... I mean this is what living is all about isn't it?

Having some one to talk to? A friend, colleage, (a coach :) ) , or even sometimes a perfect stranger. After all a well chosen perfect stranger can often times offer up the best advise ever. Want to know why?

Because they have YOU standing in front of them, as a clean slate. They know nothing of your mistakes in life, who you were, what you've accomplished or not accomplished for that matter.

All they see is YOU ...

What I'm saying, before I turn in today, is that in those weakest moments ... where we want to turn the world off and just let go of all the bad things we've been through or our fears of what may or may not come, THAT is when we have the greatest opportunity in life to grow ... because that's the time to examine why we feel in such a way.

It may hurt some. True.

But I'll tell you this. It will hurt much more to hide not only from opening up to others, but from yourself as well.

So who do you talk to? You can talk to a trusted friend; you can talk to me! :) I just had to put that in here. You can join a support group depending on the topic of what it is you'd like to share ... People have many outlets in life to share with others how they truly feel.

Initially you may experience some anxiety because you may feel that some one may not listen to you or maybe you wont' be accepted. I know how you feel. Believe me, when I first got into this profession I had and still do have so many good ideas and I was anxious to express them.

How did I get past it? Practice. By degrees I began opening up to expressing things in groups or on teleclasses, during phone calls and through select friends.

And little by little the feeling of anxiety passed and it was replaced with a sense of confidence.

Who not to talk to? Anyone who would minimize knowingly or unknowingly how you feel ... Who are they? You'll know ... because you won't feel heard or understood.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sue T

Shifting Perspectives

2007-11-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

Ever watch a child defy their parent?

Ever watch a child speak his/her mind?

Ever watch a child go running off into uncertain danger w/o a care in the world?

Ever watch a child be spontaneous and just laugh like crazy? (my favorite thing to do by the way)

Ever watch a child stand up to someone twice their size and say NO! ROFL!

Ever watch a child set a boundary with another child for taking their toy, and POP them? :) (funny, but not so funny)

Okay SUE get to the point! I AM!

Okay ... so... see how bold they are? Yes...

So I submit for your consideration to take pointers from the children for their boldness.

I submit that while some behaviors need to be tempered and taught ... that we're born with great spirit. Anything else in life that hinders that is all what?

Taught ... perceived, seen, beliefs develop, confidence is shaken, thoughts become uncertain etc.,

So... pretend ... for a moment you could rethink (and you can) all the things that you've come to believe today.

Take fear for example... fear, to me is taught. (unless being attacked, that's not the kind I'm talking about) ... look at that kid over there hanging perilously upside down on the monkey bars... "NO FEAR" ...

Mommy goes over there scared to death that the kids going to crack their head open ... fear is taught. Not to be mean ... of course. We want our childs brain in tact right? Of course we dooo... and as a mommy it's our thing to protect our children.

A child wants a cookie... they will sneak in that kitchen and swipe that cookie when you're not looking! Whut? You don't think so?

They make no apology even if they're caught! LOL ...

Are you following me? This is a thought process I've had that I wanted to share for a while... it's about redefining who we are... and I keep thinking about each of our life experiences to this point.

And how we dont have to do things the way we were taught really ... we can change these things at any time we want to...

You see?

Am I being clear? I'm really trying to be :)

Hindsight is NOT 20/20 ...

2007-11-03T02:19:00.000-07:00

If you were to think back on any given situation, where one would say "Hindsight is 20/20" would you agree, on some level that we saw THEN what we see so clearly NOW but ignored it?

Does this make sense?

I submit for your thought processes, that hindsight is NOT 20/20 but we see things right up front, but chose to ignore the signs or what we are seeing.

We logic them away, we make excuses, we make allowances for certain things and give the benefit of the doubt, or we assume someone is just having a bad day ... things like this happen all the time.

So ... the thing is, hindsight is NOT 20/20 ... we saw it all along ... we kind of, perhaps ... wished it away.

Sometimes because we are taught to think logically and not go by our instincts.

Sometimes because perhaps we want something so badly we are willing to make trade offs where we should not.

Sometimes because we give "too much" of the benfit of the doubt in the hopes that we are wrong.

Sometimes, we haven't developed the confidence in ourselves to recognize when we've nailed something right on the head, and we doubt ourselves as to what we're truly seeing.

Sometimes... simply, we just make excuses for bad behavior.

BUT ... again, I submit, for your thought processes that Hindsight is NOT 20/20. Because if it were...we wouldn't see those things so clearly later.

We just dismissed them initially ... for other reasons.

So, I'd submit, for your thought processing pleasure ... if you'd like to build up your confidence in your intuition, and really pay attention (be consciously aware of things) you think about times when you may have said "hindsight is 20/20" and then take it one step further ... and admit to yourself...

That you saw it at the time, but chose to ignore it. However, on some level you were right on target with what you saw.

I'm not saying to beat yourself up over this ... I am saying to start giving yourself some credit for seeing things as they truly are. To be aware of things so that you don't have to say "hindsight is 20/20" ...

Am I being clear? I woke up way too early today, and I need a nap...

:)

Does Your Mind Take a Vacation When You Need it Most?

2007-09-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we may link assertiveness up with personal loss. Perhaps we were assertive and spoke our mind to someone and this appeared or did result in us losing that person. This can put a damper on how you handle situations in your future where you need to be assertive because you are now linking up being assertive with loss, or a negative outcome.

If I may, something to keep in mind, although I respect that this fear is real... is those that we have lost in the past or rejected us in the past ... were not supposed to remain.

There isn't a person that I can think of whom I've had to be assertive with or set a boundary with whose disappearance was to my detriment. Depending on who we lost and how close we felt to them at the time can quite easily be linked up together. What happens is a person links up a great trait with a negative outcome. Which, I understand completely. What's happened is a belief has planted itself in your mind that when you're assertive, you lose people. This does not necessarily have to be 100% true.

Have you had any experiences with people whom, perhaps you have been assertive and there were good results? I ask you this because in order to change a belief we need to come up with proof that it is false. So we can give the new belief a foundation which can be built upon as you recognize that the two are improperly linked together. Does this make sense? :)

When someone else's actions make you crabby and withdraw, people go through mentally what is called dissociation. You're mind goes bye bye, to protect itself from an impending threat or from a fear it has as to what it is confronting in that moment.

Here is a definition: (Wikipedia.org)

"Dissociation is a state of acute mental decompensation in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, and/or memories are compartmentalized because they are too overwhelming for the conscious mind to integrate. "

Simply put, your mind goes buh bye, while the rest of you is standing there, not knowing what to do with itself.

Many people go through this. It can happened more in closer relationships which are important to you which links up to the fear of loss. It's also tied neatly into other instances in life, thereby making it an even bigger trigger.

One thing that helps greatly is realizing that those who I may have lost by being assertive I wasn't supposed to have in my life. However the trigger it left behind was the pain of losing the individual.

Setting boundaries with others, is some thing which can help you. I understand that if you may have some difficulty addressing someone, setting a boundary may feel difficult as well. Here is a link which provides excellent information on it as well as exercises as well you may find helpful.

http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

Here is a wonderful link on being assertive. If you click on the home page, (the link is upper left hand corner), then click home scroll down to the bottom you can type in the term "assertive" and then click the dot which is located below the search box, which searches the site itself. It will give you several resources which you may find helpful.

http://www.coping.org/relations/assert.htm

Dissociation can be caused through abusive relationships, can be related to post traumatic stress, and/or anything that may have caused another person an emotional trama.

Learning how to express yourself can be done in an online group as well. While writing can bring a feeling of anxiousness as well it's a step in the right direction towards learning how to express yourself within a group of like minded people. I remember when I first got into coaching I'd put a post out into this old group and the anxiety I had when I posted something that expressed my views was ... well, deafening. Over time, after seeing rational responses and having intelligent, sharing conversations with so many people the fears subsided.

You may be wondering why I have not spelled out the steps you can take, and instead posted a link to an external site. Reason being is that it is up to you to take the time and learn about how to overcome being afraid of being assertive. I also don't want to recreate the wheel when there is so much good information out there.

Hope this helps!

Concrete Doesn't Stop the Grass from Growing ...

2007-09-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

I have a question. :)

Have you ever seen grass grow? "between concrete"? Well have you? or a weed or a small tree just break it's way through concrete and if left alone the concrete what? Gives away ... doesn't it...

What once started as a small seed ... grows into a mighty oak.

The concrete is permanent. Or so it thinks if it were alive ... yet the seed doesn't know this because it's never discussed this with the concrete. It just decided that it wanted to grow and to be a big tree...

Thus you have your idea. A seedling. Do you see concrete? Or do you see... something that will move as you push through.

It's the same thing in life. If no one ever told you that you could not succeed would you react differently and move forward faster?

What if no one ever said bad things, it didn't exist and comparison to other was only about using what somebody else knows to help grow yourself?

What if emotions were simply our bodies and mind telling us that it's time to shift and change?

To grow ... up and through concrete.

Concrete in life can be looked at as if it were scar tissue that we can get due to events that have happened in life which hurt us. If you look at a scar that you get, say on your knee, the skin in that spot is never the same. Yet you heal and move on, hope for the best.

Now after you got that scar did you say, Oh I can't walk down the stairs anymore? Because I got hurt?

No. You still had to use the stairs but maybe you're a little more cautious this time, more thought to your solutions and what choices to make.

Maybe! You decided to take the elevator!

Either way, you decide to not focus on the scar. It's the same thing with anything you want to do in your life.

While we are not a blade of grass wandering mindlessly through concrete, we do have the opportunity to rethink and reorganize our thoughts and learn how to do things better next time.

So how about you? Are you a seedling whose going to turn into a mighty oak? Or are you concrete ? :) Stiff and unyeilding.

If we think about it, the concrete could be alot of those necessary losses in life. Like toxic relationships, people stuck in one mindset and not coming out or refusing to see things differently.

Quiet Self Sabotage

2007-09-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

I love quiet self-sabotage. Don't you? :)

Quiet self-sabotage is that dirty little scoundrel who makes you do other things which are also a priority, and all the while, you're putting off doing something you really need.

Lets use working out as an example. Okay?

Say you want to work out. That's a great goal, and something you really want to do.

So you decide on a plan, put it off a little bit, I think many people do this. Then "finally" you win out over the inner brat who "doesn't wanna" do it. For a variety of reasons I might add.

Now, you know you want to work out, maybe you've started, but your inner brat doesn't wanna one day. You're not really paying it much mind initially because you've developed a routine.

You decide to push working out off until later. It's for a really good reason. Maybe you decided to do your spring cleaning or change the oil in the car, or maybe you needed that extra 1/2 hour of sleep because you went to bed too late the night before (mind you that could be on purpose too, for the perfect "reason" as to why you wouldn't be able to get up early and work out) maybe you're doing things and the kids are in the room you'd need to use, so you want to wait till they're doing something else (instead of setting up a boundary with them to leave you be while you go work out).

So many reasons, so little time. They are, truly, all very valid reasons. You're doing something, at times, which are a priority... so you can easily brush off the thought that you "intentionally" blew off working out. Because you accomplished SO MUCH(!) that day.

The reality is, that your inner brat won. :) Sneaky little bugger isn't it?

Yes, it is a sneaky little bugger.

So the questions become, why are you allowing the inner brat to win, thereby making you feel badly about yourself, on an internal level (like self loathing, self consciousness, feeling out of shape, self esteem issues, etc., I think you get the picture.) when you can say "oh shut up! I see what you're doing to yourself! I'm going to fit this in no matter what you say!

Never underestimate the inner brat's ability to deter you from what you really want to do. This is called resistance. It quietly morphs into this big goony goo goo monster, subtly distracting you from what you need to do for yourself, but in a manner that "still" makes you feel that you've done good things and accomplished priority matters.

Interesting how that works isn't it? I think so... :)

This thought process can be applied to many other things as well. Pay attention ... you'll see it. I promise.

Then you can address the inner brat w/rewards and the consequences of it's subtle manipulation. Funny how that works isn't it?

Sue T.

Is there such a thing as a soul-mate?

2007-08-29T06:04:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as a soul-mate?

I think attraction, that deep desire to love and be loved can make a person feel like a soul-mate. It's before we know who we are as an individual that this particular phase of love hits. Some people say they married their high school sweethearts and are still married to them today. Which is wonderful. Certainly.

There are those who met their soul-mate later on in life and have gotten married, or lived together (whatever their choice) because they say they finally met someone who was able to see them for who they are. Or, was it that the individual finally saw who they were and relaxed enough to let another person in after perhaps being heartbroken in the past? They relaxed and trusted someone, over time, got to know them and realized that they themselves were part of the reason they hadn't found someone before? They may have been busy protecting the fragile wounded heart of the child inside and inadvertently pushing love away. This happens, time and time again.

There are people we meet, in relationships who we are drawn to on quite the subconscious level. Levels we don't understand completely. They have something we need, something that we recognize in ourselves, so we go after them. We assume they are our soul mate because it feels right, however it's not exactly "right" and it falls apart.

I've seen people who say they have lost the love of their lives and I've often wondered, was that person they lost really the love of their life? (barring death, not a break up of some kind) Or were they so smitten that the blinders they wore within the relationship, that made the other individual "not" their soul mate hiding the truth about the other person while covering up the similarities in both?

When I say similarities, I mean we attract certain people to us for different reasons. Sometimes when we are afraid of love, we attract someone else who is also afraid. So one person goes about trying to prove to the other that they are worth true love and all the while they are deathly afraid themselves. Is this a soul mate or is this feeding a deeper need that any one person has? Which any one individual may not have recognized within themselves?

Surely, if we prove to someone else that they are loveable, are we not proving to ourselves that we are as well? There would be the quiet hidden expectation that if we can show them how loveable they are, we would get the same love in return. Yet, when we're done fighting for it and the other person relaxes and begins to give back. Sometimes that very person who worked so hard, turns heel and runs in the other direction. This can happen, it has happened.

I think also that sometimes a person purposely choses another person, claiming that they are their soul mate because they are afraid of love themselves, and when it doesn't work out (on a much deeper level which they are not aware of just yet) they can go on about their lives saying that true love doesn't exist. Repeating certain negative patterns which are quietly buried in their subconscious mind. Thereby inadvertently proving to themselves that love does not exist.

Finding a persons soul mate requires that an individual be familiar with themselves. Willing to risk a broken heart by paying attention to who they are as in individual and also who they are chosing to opening up to. Meaning, to know ones self, to care enough about ones self, to chose who they want to be with, is the most important aspect of any relationship. Does this new person they are considering getting involved with have the values and qualities they are looking for (?) does this persons temperment compliment their own (?), has the person done enough personal work on themselves where they are willing to open their heart enough to another to truly be known?

I've heard people say that the other person took the time to get to know them. Really know them. Should it be so much work to open up to another human being? Opening up to friends can take time. Even then there is that fear of rejection that something which was done in the past will not be accepted and there will be a loss. In romantic relationships that fear is much greater because there is more of an emotional investment in that person.

I guess, the question for me, would be is there anyone person that completely fills every need that any one individual may have?

I think we have many needs which can be filled from many different relationships. I mean a significant other and outside friendships.

I think, a persons soul mate is within themselves first and foremost. If they are busy trying to fix a broken heart or protect a broken heart they're not going to be open to a soul mate if it bit them on the ass.

I guess, after all this, what I'm saying is to know ones self first, is our initial soul-mate. To love who we are, we we've yet to become and then have the courage to express that to another individual.

I think this is when a person can meet someone, appreciate someone, who may be just what they need.

Reading Into Things

2007-08-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Do you read into every little thing people say around you?

Turn everything into the worst case scenario, allow paranoia to take over your mind and your insecurities to run rampant?

If this sounds even vaguely familiar, maybe it's time to take a step back and pay attention to why you're reacting this way.

Maybe you feel you have a right to feel so suspicious. After all anyone would understand what you've been through and how it hurt you. However, the idea is that while you may be protecting yourself from the possibility of being hurt, this self protective mechanism is going to drive people away.

I remember a woman a number of years back who dated a guy who did the above here. Initially, she thought nothing of it, felt perhaps it was a matter of time before he learned to trust her. She ignored the warning signs of someone who was massively insecure and went about her business.

Until of course he became too much "work". Always questioning where she was, what she was doing, constantly testing and picking at her. After a while, she recognized that all of these things really didn't have anything to do with her, but more to do with his life experiences and his lack of trust in a relationship. They finally broke up over these things.

It's not only men who behave in this manner either. There are plenty of women out there who are afraid of getting hurt and hyper vigilant over their significant other and everything that they do. Never appearing happy, always complaining, sifting through things in their minds and giving them other meanings. Literally blowing things out of proportion.

While I can understand people's fears, at the same time, there comes a time where a person who feels the need to interrogate others or reads into things all the time may want to consider figuring out why they feel this way. Is it past insecurities? Is it something they're not getting from the relationship? Is there any solid ground to base these allegations on?

Sometimes, we do things out of protecting ourselves or in an attempt to get our needs met. However the outcome of not being honest with ourselves as to our behaviors is the amount of extra unnecessary work the partner brings into the relationship. This can eventually push the other person away.

If you or someone you know is in a situation like this, I'd love to hear about it.

Being honest with ones self as to their part in the situation is important. Is it their paranoia and past experiences? OR Is it that they are in the wrong relationship?

I don't think anyone needs to live in a world where they are not trusted. At some point, perhaps going to see a couples counsellor might serve both people well.

It can't hurt to try and work these things out. In this way the relationship can grow through trust and communication. Not be wrought with insecurities and consistently proving ones self to another.

Man Bashing ...

2007-08-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of being involved in a conversation with some people wherein the one young lady, mid 20's said that her mother taught her that no man can be trusted 100%. Maybe 99% but other than that, they were all suspect.

I listened to this drivel for a while, however after about 5 minutes I interupted and I asked her if she was saying that all women are trustworthy? Was she really saying that all men were slime? I personally do not believe that all men are slime.

I think we can find proof with regard to both sides of the coin with men (good/bad), just as we can find proof on both sides of the coin with women (good/bad).

There was also some discussion about bachelor parties and the like and how men are more likely to have sex with a hooker at one vs. just a dancer. I advised her that while that may make her feel better that there are some dancers, who for a small fee will sleep with him too. They held onto the belief that the hooker would be more accessible. I just shook my head. I've know a couple dancers over the years, and I've had male friends who fill me in on the details a person wouldn't normally hear about. Course, some people really don't want to know what goes on. I just happen to know.

So, while they were talking about the bachelor party I asked if women were all well behaved at male reviews? Believe me I've been to male reviews and women are not angels. Matter of fact at some of them there's all kinds of touching and groping going on which I didn't particularly find acceptable. Many years ago I knew a young lady who disappeared for a good 20/30 minutes in the bathroom. When we asked where she went she said she went into the bathroom and the male dancer was in there. So, that's all she'd say really. You do the math folks.

I guess it's what side of the "literal" fence it is. There are plenty of good men out there and plenty of good women out there too.

Maybe the question should be, would a person do something if they knew they'd never be caught? Would a person's fears that their partner is going to cheat or do something bad enhance the chances and push the partner away?

I'm sorry but for myself I wouldn't want to start my life off with someone who I could only say I trusted 99%. Can you imagine living in this world in your head?

I know things go on in life that we've heard or don't want to know about but at the same time this double standard thought process is massively confusing to me.

I'm not sure at what point some women assume that all men are scum. I do believe however that both men and women need to focus on themselves and what they are looking for in life.

This nonsense of putting one another in a box, doesn't help or promote anyone to have a healthy relationship.

Now, I may know some things that others don't about the things men and women can pull on one another. And there are some people out there who know a hellofalot more than I do, but I'll tell you this, I think it's about time that people start being honest with themselves and not buy into the bad stereotypes.

I mean, isn't this a waste of energy?

Moral: Pay attention to what you want. Regardless of external sources, pay attention to what you want, what works for you (male or female) focus on what you want in your life. Chose wisely, don't wear blinders and for goodness sakes, don't be so cynical.

Oh, and attraction is nice but sex doesn't equal love.

Rant over :)

Some Career Change Suggestions

2007-08-17T14:01:00.001-07:00

I have a little exercise for you, that may help you to chose a career for yourself that you'll enjoy and make you like going to work every day :)

If you have excel you can make it in there. If not, you take paper, make six columns.

Each column is labeled as follows:

1. Job Occupation/experience
2. Knowledge
3. Skills
4. Abilities
5. Personal strengths
6. Natural talents.

Be patient with yourself with some of these categories. Sometimes the answer doesn't just spring up at you, it takes a little time to think about.

Another thing is to describe your ideal job. What you really can see yourself doing every day. You can base the description on the list you've made with the columns I mentioned up above here.

Another good idea is to keep your prospects open. Say you go for one job and interview well, don't assume you'll get the position and close the door on other interviews. Another position may come up that may be better, and you'll keep your options open as well knowing you're still out there looking vs. waiting for the phone to ring.

You can also make a weekly plan, including time to spend, days to look, and websites to set up searches for the type of position you may be interested in. Many of the sites these days have a salary calculator which is really helpful for when you go on an interview as to what they're offering.

Come back and let me know how it goes!

Sue T.

Quiet Lifestyle Changes... they just sneak up on you!

2007-08-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that slip quietly into daily routines, how a person may do things for themself, (i.e., working out, taking time to do something they truly enjoy) and initially it may be something that they were really happy about.

Maybe they had kids or met a new person in their life, a friend or partner and little by little the things they used to do for ourselves slipped quietly away.

Initially they didn't mind, because they were excited by this new development. Routines began to blend together and it became a part of their life.

It starts innocently enough. They maybe put off working out or going out with the guys/gals because they are including this new situation into our life.

What is interesting to see how it comes as this great shock to many how, they're needs aren't being met anymore.

Initially, it was all about compromise and enjoying whatever it is that was going on around us and they were open to these things. What some may forget to do is to continue to do the things that made them happy as an individual in the first place. Which made them who they were.

Before you know it, a person can neglect themselves so much, they're seething with resentment because they may not be getting the acknowledgement they feel they may deserve for all their sacrifices and shifting their life around to suit this new development.

I respect that sometimes, certain things have to be reprioritized in life and that people may put themselves off a bit in that process. However at the same time, what lies quietly under the surfact are all those things a person used to do, that made them who who they used to be, which aren't there anymore.

Once this realization is made, sometimes it's gone on for so long, the person may lash out at those around them, feel guilty for not appreciating what they do have, while mourning who they used to be.

The thing is, it's not a difficult thing to remedy.

A person can't start off blaming everyone else around them for their choice to do what they felt was the thing to do at the time. Because they chose to do it.

What they can do is begin to recognize that they have neglected their own needs and to start planning out how to include these things in their life.

Mabye it's a night out with a friend, maybe it's joining a gym and focusing on feeling better, maybe it's reading a book.

We can renegotiate our relationships. Taking time out to do the things we'd like to do will make us happier, and I'd imagine that our partner or friends would encourage us to do this.

This can alleviate a couple of things.

a. resentment and guilt;
b. being a martyr;
c. self loathing;
d. feeling unappreciated;

What happens is the individual, due to their choices to do what they thought was the right thing at the time, begins to feel that they are doing all of these things for those around them and when they don't receive the acknowledgement they feel they should be getting, it's everyone else's fault on some or all levels.

This isn't very fair to others. It's not everyone else's job to make a person feel validated and acknowledged "all" the time.

It is up to the individual to recognize that they have contributed to the situation and begin to make changes without falling prey to the blame game.

Take responsibility for the things you let go.
Start off with explaining to whomever that you want to go and do certain things for yourself.

Stop looking for others to fill you up. Find a way to fit in what you need for yourself, and then start doing it.

I absolutely LOVE OLD CARS! Check out this story!

2007-08-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.intuh.net/barnfinds/afa9.htm

Here is the link above to the barn. Here is the story below that came with the email I got. Would you just LOOK at all these beauties? My god it's amazing! I don't truly know if the story itself is true, but my goodness.

A New York man retired, wanted to use his retirement money wisely, so it would last, and decided to buy a home and a few acres in Portugal.

The modest farmhouse had been vacant for 15 yrs.; the owner and wife both had died, and there were no heirs. The house was sold to pay taxes.

There had been several lookers, but the large barn had steel doors, and they had been welded shut. Nobody wanted to go to the extra expense see what was in the barn, and it wasn't complimentary to the property anyway......so, nobody made an offer on the place.

The NY guy bought it at just over half of the property's worth, moved in, and set about to tear in to the barn.......curiosity was killing him. So, he and his wife bought a generator, and a couple of grinders.......and cut thru the welds.

What was in the barn...............? Go to; www.intuh.net/barnfinds/afa70.htm and start wishing it had been you who bought the place. I bet Jay Leno wishes it had been him.

NOTICE THAT MOST OF THE TIRES LOOK TO BE IN GOOD SHAPE ALTHOUGH A LOT OF THE CARS ARE NOT IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE. MANY SEEM AS IF THEY JUST NEED A GOOD CLEAN UP. IMAGINE WHAT THE WORTH WOULD BE IF THEY ALL ARE RESTORED.

You Know What You Don't Want

2007-08-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

Most people can run a list off with the things that they don't want in about 2.0 seconds.

If you were to ask them what they do want, that seems to yeild massive confusion. At least for some.

They've simply never considered that there was another way of thinking.

A small example is, if you don't like vanilla, you would be better served trying other favors, like chocolate perhaps. See if it's something you enjoy.

If you don't particularly find yourself in love with chocolate, then maybe you're a pistacchio person.

Initially when I first asked myself what I did want in my life, it was a bit confusing. My brain didn't understand the question because while I was busy thinking that things only worked one way, it never occurred to me that I had a choice in the matter.

I mean everyone else seemed to be doing things the very same way, going through life, doing what they felt was the right thing to do.

Something was missing though.

I wasn't getting what I wanted. I wasn't all that happy or motivated in any particular direction.

It wasn't until I began paying attention to certain things, that I realized I could be chosing things instead of fighting about the things I didn't like or want.

One way to recognize what you do want is to write out a list of the things you don't, and then flip it over to the positive.

Say, if you don't like the chocolate, you go for vanilla or a variation of vanilla.

Your wants and needs are not going to be like the person next door either. They're going to be highly individualized, because they are all about you.

There may be some things as you go along that you may not have considered, and you can add those as you get accustomed to thinking differently.

It seems so simple to me now, yet in the beginning, all I was met with was a numb mind that wasn't quite sure what to do with the question or how to think differently then just moving through life doing the same things over and over again and not really being all that happy.

Try it :) For any situation there can be many solutions. Focus on your solutions and what makes you happy as an individual. Not what Auntie so'n'so thinks, or those who may say you are "too picky" ... focus on exactly what you want and refine this as you go along.

They Were Your Friend First!

2007-08-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing I've noticed at times in friendships.

Sometimes we're friends with someone and they gain a new friend who perhaps they have something we are not into in common with them. So the original friend feels kind of left out.

This is not intentionally or anything, sometimes it happens that way.

I've noticed a subtle behavior from the existing individual when another party joins the group. It's a quiet, feeling of them behaving like ... "I was here first, this is my friend and while I'll share them with you, I met them first"

It's a quiet little behavior. You really have to pay attention to see it. It's not a malicious thing, it's a feeling you get that perhaps one person may feel a little bit threatened by the new friend who has now intruded upon the group. If you will.

So, what do you do about that?

Well, first and foremost I think that sometimes people may feel a bit threatened by a new person coming into the picture because what will it mean to the existing friendship. It will change certain things, like if they met at a class on person may feel left out. If one has more free time to go do things and the other does not, they may also feel left out.

To me, I think it's important to remember our existing friends as much as humanly possible to reassure them that we're not leaving them or trying to take something away from them.

But more like "adding" to the mix of what life is all about. So to speak. New friends bring new experiences. And I think we need to be honest about that with one another.

It's not that we don't appreciate the pre-existing friends in any way, it's more about broadening our horizons, opening ourselves up to new experiences really.

AND we also have the obligation if we feel this way to talk to our friend about how we feel.

If we are the person who has a new friend, depending on how much time really spent together, we also have to keep in mind that we need to remember to continue relating to our pre-existing friends as well.

Sure, there are those times where we have toxic friends and we are transitioning away from them by finding new friends as well. Those who may drag a person through the mud and make them feel bad, or who are surrounded by drama at any given moment. One would feel kind of smarmed after being around them for any length of time. I've experienced that myself. It doesn't feel so good.

Sometimes due to time constraints, different lifestyles relationships and friendships change, maybe we even outgrow certain people. That can happen as well.

I think though, on my initial thought process, about including a new person into an existing group, it's important to pay attention to how our existing friends feel, and if maybe they may feel left out or a little threatened by a new person.

You never know. And I don't think it hurts to consider it.

Is it an insecurity? Well... sure, I think it could be. Because change can breed insecurity certainly. It's how we handle combining the two I think that is important.

Working Out ? ?

2007-08-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've been working out lately and I feel really good. I do video's, dvd's and I bought an eliptical machine which was delivered in January. I got sick a few times and could use it, then had some injuries flare up. That stunk... but overall I'm doing a good job keeping to a routine. Wednesday though I used too much weight and hurt my shoulder blade, so I took Thursday off from working out. Friday came I was doing things, and not doing things, around the house and with the computer, I wasn't much in the mood.

I did notice however, by today that my shoulder blade didn't feel funny, and I didn't have that little ... pain under there. So I figured today would be a good day to start up again. So I did abs and I did program three on the eliptical. And interestingly enough, I felt better. I didn't feel quite so cranky as I have the past couple of days. That's pretty interesting considering my thought process is that now that I'm used to it, maybe my body is producing all those feel good chemicals and when I don't work out, I can feel the difference. I'm not an expert on that, but it seems to fit.

I've also been pretty frustrated about not having seen a change in weight. Now I know, there are all these things out there that say muscle weighs more than fat etc., but I've been feeling rather discouraged about it. I started thinking about my habits in the past. Usually, after about a month, I get over zealous and hurt a body part which causes me to stop working out for up to 10 days. Or longer... depended on what the issue was.

Since I haven't seen the results I want, I thought maybe I was going to just give up and let nature take it's course, which would be really silly after all this hard work right? Yah, I think so too. I mean the thing is, just because we don't have instant results doesn't mean we aren't getting to where we want to be. And what if within the next couple of weeks things start turning and I do see real change? There have been some changes after all.

So the thing is, don't give up too soon. Keep enjoying feeling good, and keep trying to reach whatever goal makes you personally comfortable. Try not to compare yourself to another person because we all have different body types.

Support is a nice thing to have as well, you can get that online or by dragging friends with you. In the end it's all about you and what you want to feel like, I feel pretty good, so I figure it took me about 4/5 years to get out of shape, I may have to exercise some patience for the new me to come out. So I try to keep that in mind when I don't feel like working out and it makes me feel like I'm putting all this effort in for nothing. Know what I mean? Yah... maybe you do :)

Okay that's my thought process for today. Have a good one! And if you have workout stories to share please comment or offer support even. I'd love it!

Adult A.D.D.? Are you constantly scattered?

2007-07-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not a physician skilled in diagnosing Adult A.D.D., however there are some similarities that I've noticed with people who have been diagnosed with it.

Lack of structure/organization, taking on too much, not being organized, not knowing when to delegate, having the attitude of I can do it all, not being able to accept help when it's needed, not knowing to ask for help when it's needed. These are but a few of the things that may go on.

Sometimes it's a matter of restructuring things in your life, cutting down on all of the things you think you "should" be doing, to what you realistically CAN do. There are a lot of adults who are coming up being diagnosed as having adult ADD and the thing is, you can do a lot of things that can remedy any and all symptoms of it.

Do you "need" a diagnosis to feel better? Most seem to dismiss the simply fact that they alread know what the problem is, but they haven't focused on any solutions, nor do they have any idea "how" to make any changes.

What kind of structure do you think you need in regard to your entrepreneurial life and/or personal life?

What things do you find over stimulate or distract you the most?

Do you have a problem setting boundaries with others as to your time and things you need to do?

What has changed in the past three months to a year? If anything, that is different in your life which you are not acknowledging or pretending isn't a problem and/or distraction for you?

Do you have a daily planner/appointment book that you reference on a daily basis?

Do you have a list of the things that you need to do? For example, I have four lists that I add to and take away from as things come up, or are accomplished. One is for future purchases for the house, a to do list for my business, shopping lists, and an errand list. You can make whatever kind of list that you would like that suits your purposes for restructuring your day, week or month.

We often have things that come up that are unavoidable and to be reasonable about it, the list can be reprioritized on a daily basis on an "as needed" basis? There are some things that you can simply put off until the following day which aren't going to affect very much, if anything, of what you need to do.

I would suggest that you pay attention to any self sabotaging behaviors during this restructuring. Or other people's intrusion on your time. Boundaries, again, are very important to maintain when you are organizing your life in a way that works for you.

Recognizing distractions in everyday life is important. Once you begin to recognize what is distracting you, whether it's people, overscheduling, lack of organization, you can then retrain yourself to do things differently. More fluidly so you're not as stressed out over everything.

Developing structured habits on a daily basis would be very helpful. It alleviates the feelings of overwhelm and anxiety people can have thinking they're not doing enough. You may want to leave mindspace for deviations from what you need to do. Sometimes things come up that you have no control over. At the same time, it's better to be able to stop and evaluate what you can rearrange rather than get frazzled trying to figure out how to fit it all in.

Most people already know what's going on but they inadvertently become too hard on themselves assuming that they "should" be able to handle all of these things, when the reality is that they need to really focus on what they can do in the amount of time we have in a day.

Food for thought today. :)

Approval vs. Support

2007-06-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we find that we want to share something but those around us invalidate those thoughts.

It's not intentional. It's due to their beliefs, which may be true or not true. They're also subject to change. As they grow as an individual.

You don't need someone else's approval to do something different.

What you do need is "support" and you need to define what kind of support you need.

For some it's a group where you feel supported and understood.

The worst times I've ever gotten stuck was when I felt misunderstood in what I was saying. Because now, I was in the position to have to explain how I felt to another person so I could feel heard.

Anyone here ever experience that?

So, what can happen is you're still focusing on the problem by explaining how you feel, whether it makes sense to the other person or not and you get stuck.

Because you're not feeling understood.

Most people base their advise on their own personal life experience, their beliefs, and other external input.

The most important thing, for you as an individual, to learn is that not everyone is going to empathize with what you're saying, you may not always be understood and/or validated, and that if it bothers you "enough" to figure out what it is you want to do about the situation.

Sometimes, having external input widens our choices. Because there are alot of times when we need to hear ourselves talk to come around full circle to clarity "for ourselves".

And, sometimes we need help and suggestions to broaden our own perspectives.

However, when all of this external advise or suggestions, leaves you feeling "less than" or more confused... you can take all that you've heard, journal about it, do a blog, and you'll start to see what "you" personally need.

Sometimes it's going to be a little bit of everything you've heard.

That's fine :)

They say when you have a problem to write down 5 possible (or three) solutions to it so that you realize that you have other options.

This is the most important thing to keep in mind. Sometimes others are "not" going to understand where you're coming from because they are including themselves in the mix. It's not "intentional" but it happens.

So focusing on what you really want, "regardless" of approval or not from others, and getting the support, whether someone else agrees with you or not, is important.

If you're finding yourself repeating certain patterns that are negative in your life, you'll have to reconsider what you're doing.

That's Okay... you can't change anything you don't identify.

If you can't see it, you can't change it.

And, when we're in the middle of it, it "is" very difficult to see our contribution sometimes.

Ever talk to a friend and you can see what "their" issues are so clearly? That's because you're not emotionally involved and you have a clear picture because you've been listening and seeing this pattern of behavior that isn't suiting this other person.

It "is" so much easier to do that. To see what someone else is doing vs. seeing what we're doing.

So, the idea of keeping a journal is a good one. My suggestion is always going to be, to go back and read what you've written from time to time, to actually "see" what patterns are there "for yourself" and then you can see what your doing from a different mental state later on.

After your calm really. And you've gotten it all down, so you can think clearly is really important.

Focusing one what you're now going to do about it, is equally as important.

What do you want?

How have you contributed to the situation?

What changes can I make to make things better for myself?

Having an online group, like this one or others is a good idea because the people in those types of groups have no personal agenda as it relates to your growth.

They have no other emotional/personal investment in what you need to do for yourself.

It will still be based on their life experiences, but it does remove some of the personal gain issues that talking to some one closer to us can add to the mix which can be a big deterent.

Because they have something to gain or lose in this process... your change affects them directly, and this can bias some of the responses you get.

You're goal, is to find out and realize what kind of support you need "without" seeking another persons approval.

You're a grown up now ... you don't need another's "approval" to make changes in your life.

What you do need is to be clear on what it is you do want, and then ask for the support you need. Some self discipline and will power is always helpful as well.

Food for thought today.

Massive Confusion Created in Abusive relationships/After the break up.

2007-06-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

A women in another network I've been playing in posted about how she, oh here:

I was in a very serious relationship for 5 years, and I'm now realizing how unhealthy it was, though friends and family have been telling me forever.
I was a strong woman, but i became very weak, i was trapped in the mentality that "every thing was my fault", "if i had just kept my mouth shut we wouldnt be fighting" i bent over backwards and did things that i'm ashmed of just to gain attention and affection from him, i really do love him but he never really gave me what i needed.
we've broken up and got back together so many times its pathetic, i know i need to move on for my own good, but i dont know how, i know at this point if he asked to have me back i would say yes with out thinking, i still dream of marrying him, but i know it would be the same 4 month fighting cycle that we've had for the past 3 years,
i dont know what to do or how to get over him, i dont want to be like this but i feel so stuck, if it wernt for a few friends and my aunt i'd drink myself in to oblivion.
please help me, i just dont kno what to do.

-END-

I said:

If I may, would you tell me what you love about this man?

What are his good qualities?

Before you met him, you were probably okay... over the time you spent with him, this "type" of man manipulates and tears down the women that they are with.

How can you love, someone who never gives you what you need? It's an interesting shift in thought.

Often times women in these situations, and you are not alone in this, find themselves addicted to the cycles of acceptance and rejection. And the good an bad behavior shifts of He loves me, he loves me not.

Hi Dr. Love \:\) ... Rev Love has given you excellent advise to sift through and see what you need to do "for yourself".

Being with a man like this is "massively" confusing. Because they can be "so good" at times. Seem so wonderful ... but they're not. They have their work to do on themselves, and you on yourself. It is not your responsibility to be there and fix them, it is however your responsibility to take charge of yourself and your life and start chosing what you want and who you want in it.

Sometimes it takes a while before we make these changes. Do try not to beat yourself up about this. You didn't know... now you do, and that's your first steps towards creating a healthier YOU and healthier relationships in the future.

Sometimes, once we are used to that cycle which also creates adreneline, when it's gone we can feel quite bored, because the adreneline is gone. Since it was cyclical to recognize this boredom due to lack of stress is very important. It doesn't mean that you really miss him. It means that you grew accustomed emotionally/mentally to this cycle an that it will take a while to adjust to living your life w/o this stress.

Something that worked for me was to have an anonymous blog and to just let out all my frustrations, no matter how irrational they seemed. And every time an ex of mine years ago would pop into my head, I'd say OUT LOUD NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! and I'd purposely start thinking about something else.

Depends on how long you were apart as well and if you are still seeing him from time to time as well.

You can get over this. And you can have a happier healthier relationship and get back to who you really are. A strong woman \:\)

It wasn't your fault. You did ignore some things perhaps that were obvious but ... the things we do for love \:\) ... it happens. It's okay ...

You can do this! I know you can...
_________________________

-END-

Sue T.

Thank you is something you do.

2007-06-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

Thank You ... Is Something You Do
Two words. Thank You.

Thank you is the polite thing we are taught as kids.

It's something we say to someone who does something for us, or maybe gives us a gift, or brings us dessert, coffee, tea, an iced tea on a hot day.

Maybe, someone gave you a ride some place, helped you with your homework, whatever it is you could possibly say, thank you for.

And, you dutifully say ... Thank you.

Merriam Webster's dictionary says the definition is as follows:

Main Entry: thank-you
Pronunciation: 'tha[ng]k-"yü
Function: noun
Etymology: from the phrase thank you used in expressing gratitude
: a polite expression of one's gratitude

See that? It says a polite expression of one's gratitude.

That's sweet. Right?

Here's the thought process behind what thank you's really supposed to mean, IMHO.

Thank you, is to express gratitude and appreciation for what someone has thoughtfully done for you.

Because, I feel, at times people take the term "Thank You" and use it inappropriately.

How so?

It's a conditioned response to any of the above things I mentioned.

Sometimes people say thank you only because they know they are supposed to do it when someone does something for you.

To me, Thank you should be much more than that.

It should be about the time it took, the time a person took to do something selfless for you. It should be about appreciation that they took the time to take care of a need that you had. A chore, the laundry, the dishes, taking the garbage out.

At what point, in the roles that people play in their everyday lives to they assume that they should not show appreciation by really meaning it when they say "Thank You".

It's no wonder why so many feel unappreciated at times.

Thank you is nice... but the thing is.

To really be appreciated for the time taken out, for the things that they "do not have to do" but do it because they care enough to do it, would be alot better.

Pay attention to what you say thank you to. Are you taking for granted tha this perons is supposed to do it for you because they're doing it?

Are you recognizing that true appreciation, while not the goal of the person doing that nice thing, is still deserved?

Can you imagine, how you would feel, if someone said thank you ... to you... and they recognized the reasons you've done it?

Because you cared enough to do it.

Not because you HAD to do it.

Thank you, to me, isn't just something we say.

It's something we DO.

Focusing on the Solutions

2005-06-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

"and that the passing years brings with it experience....which makes a person wiser. However, sometimes, I keep finding myself in a simlar situation because I haven't learnt my lesson correctly the first time. I then keep hitting the same roadblock...because I haven't identified the correct solution or the correct problem."

Honestly when I cut and pasted this portion of a post, I meant to remember "who" said it. I don't! LOL That'll teach me ...

As you can see, it makes perfect sense to those of us looking in at this to think, well if you know you are still finding yourself in a similar situation, why would you repeat that pattern?

Often times, we are focusing too much "ON" the problem as opposed to "ON" the solution. We can get so bogged down on the emotions of a problem that we forget all about choice and being in control of our own lives. After all that is the only person that we have any control over isn't it? Ourselves.

We can't control others responses, actions or lives. But we can control how we react, how we respond, our own actions and our own lives.

So why don't we do just that? Well sometimes it is as simple as not "seeing" the problem or knowing exactly what we should do about it. And that's ok. Eventually something will strike a nerve and we think. OK! That is ENOUGH! I want change ! Change is good!

Change can also be a little scarey because we may not know what to expect and we're not used to doing things differently. And that's ok. It happens. However think about how "scary" it would be to remain the same?

If given the options and the choices wouldn't you chose to do things differently even if it is in small degrees until you are comfortable with it? One would think. I call them baby steps. Take one small step towards what you really want and need in your life every day, or every week or even every month so you absorb the new you and learn to accept new things.

It can bring with it some anxiety, I think we all have some fears of the unknown. However it's better than where we are now. Don't you think? :)

Youth Doesn't Have to be Wasted on the Young

2005-05-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Is Youth Wasted on the Young?
I have a young man, who lives a few towns away from me, oddly enough, that I met on my Xanga site blog. He's basically a good kid, heading in the wrong direction. So today, I wrote what I am going to paste here below ... Remember when you were young and confused? Or did you know who you were back then?

Heck do you know who you are today? And do you feel free to be that person? What's my point?

You have choices, you have choices every day no matter what age you are, no matter who you live with, deal with, etc., YOU have choices.

So without further commercial interuption, I'll share a little more about myself here for you as I have for this young fella over there.

==============================================================

This entry is for my buddy Chris here on Xanga. You know who you are :)

Little man (and I mean that in a good way because your young and still have time to do better things with your life and you're on your way to being a big man so... you know... )

I know we all want to fit in "some where" in life. When I go to your site, it makes me sad. You listen to music that over time pulls your heart out and maybe you are that sad ... you don't have to be. I like Nickleback and whose that group? Corn? LOL I don't remember but I like that kind of music to, I'll work out to it sometimes because it pumps me up. That and Hip Hop music, s'cool! :)

If you ever want to talk and you feel stuck between your parents, you can come here and write to me. That'll be fine and I'll do my best. Don't forget though, If I don't respond right away, it means I didn't get the notice yet ok? Ok.

I'm not sure how old you are, I'm guessing 16? Hey which principal died? Mr. Bloom? Was that who? He was my principal if that's who you're talking about. You go to Hackensack High School? :) I graduated from there in 1984 ... Man that was a long time ago. And I tell you something else, all the problems I had that to me, much like you now, were so real and so painful? They're all gone.

I'll tell you a story of my own, so you know I understand some of what you're going through ok? It's a little different than yours but you'll see what I mean, you're smart.

When I was 12 my mom was killed in a car crash; after that we didn't see people much anymore. My brother and sister who were always in trouble moved out, they were alot older than me and I was left basically to deal with all those emotions on my own. My Dad did the best he could but he started dating and I was left alone even more. I had friends, like you, to talk to but what did we know back then, we just knew we were hurting but nobody told us what to do about it.

I wasn't "allowed" to date until I was about 16 1/2 or 17 I forget exactly. But there was this one boy, Eddie who I had a big crush on. We used to hang out and he'd drive me home and drop me off a block from my house so I wouldn't get into trouble. Well, we broke up cuz I wasn't allowed to date and he wanted to see me more than I was able. Man I was soooo hurt! What's this got to do with you? The first week, my Dad had alot of whiskey and liquor in the closet in the living room. So that first day, I had a few shots and I had a nice buzz all day long. Forgot about all my problems. It wore off before he got home so that was cool right? Next day, same thing. I thought, this was cool! I don't have to feel bad! I can just feel numb. Well I did this all week. Then Saturday came. And man was I hurtin ... emotionally, I was depressed and sad and everything, see nobody told me it was ok to be so upset and I didn't really have anyone to talk to because I wasn't supposed to be seeing anyone in the first place. That was rough.

So Saturday came, and I'm thinkin, how am I going to drink today? I don't wanna feel like this! (all the hurt I was feeling, you know what I'm sayin...) and out of no where my mind said, you want to drink because some "boy" upset you? That's not a good enough reason.

I realized I felt "worse" after I came down than I did if I just cried. Yah maybe you think boys don't cry but you're human just like me and boys do cry. So that was the end of me doing that, sure I partied with my friends that's what some kids do.

What am I saying? Have you figured it out yet? You have a choice Chris, you can hang with the pot heads and kids who drink, or you can get involved in something else at school. A sport, I was in Chorus but LOL I don't think you'll go for that :) There are all kinds of things you can be doing.

I know you want to fit in, and have a place to go and you know what? Everybody's always going to have something to say about what you're doin, and where you're going, BUT you decide what's best for yourself. After high school is over, you'll lose touch with alot of people. It just happens that way.

What I want to know is "who" you are going to be when that happens. Hell, even grown-ups are still trying to figure that one out. You know what? You're lucky, you can start NOW! I wish when I was your age that I had someone who I could talk to about how I felt. It just didn't exist. You can change anything you want to. First you have to change yourself.

That doesn't make much sense does it? What do you think it means?

So I'm telling you some of my story, to let you know that I understand how you feel. If you look at what I'm doing today, I made better choices... and here I am.

What do want Chris? Tell me and I'll talk to you about it ok? :)

Now, for those of you who read this, I expect you to respect what he's going through and to be supportive. We ALL have life stories and we can either continue making bad choices and walking around not knowing it, or we can come to a point in our lives where we know we can make our life better.

So, what about you? What are you going to do?

XO Sue T.

New Internet Dating Site !

2005-05-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

am one of the feature coaches that belong to this fabulous up and coming online dating sites.

They don’t just have your normal everyday personality tests but a workshop as well to help you to determine “what you are looking for” in your own life!

How much would you pay for that? Well here you can be given a partner to work with… I believe you can work on it yourself, but they do suggest having a partner to work with. It’s great practice for you to learn how to express yourself when you are not in a relationship so that when you “do” become involved you will have more clarity and insights into yourself and what you are looking for.

Or you can work with me, as this is what I do best.

http://metasingles.com/pages.cfm?ID=162

There is a 30 day trial period & then the cost is $10 per month for MetaSingles. If you cancel before the end of the trial period you will not be charged. You can cancel at any time in your “MY ACCOUNT” area on our website. All of this is in writing on the website when you go to subscribe.

Give it a whirl.

Sue T.
Life & Relationship Coach
Confidence is Silent. It need not defend itself.
It simply exists inside you.

How we perceive others and their behavior does make a difference.

2005-05-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when something someone else does rubs you the wrong way? Do you talk about it to get it off your chest and then to get a better understanding of it, or in some cases do you recognize that everyone simply is not like you and let it roll off? That is providing it isn't affecting you directly. In other words, interfering directly with you or your goals and/or life.

On one level I believe it is about our perceptions and how they affect us. Whether or not we would do things a certain way and have it be something to discuss with others. To see what others points of views are is and can be important in the sense where if something bothers us on a level that has us talking about it then perhaps it is something that bothers us because it is simply not our style.

I've met people in the field of law who were clients who I had a perception about the way they did things as well and I've found that while they were going about their life, doing whatever it was that they were doing I was feeling drained from just being around them. Particularly divorce matters.

However it affected me, was my problem, it was something that I either strongly disagreed with or it rubbed me the wrong way.

If something another individual does prompts us to discuss it, it's usually an indication that we either need to learn more about what is going on because it has touched us the wrong way. These perceptions are all about you the individual.

We all have different perceptions of how we would present ourselves to others, how we would handle certain life issues and certainly how we would respond to different situations.

What's this all about anyway? It's about how you the individual perceive any given individual wihch prompts you to talk about it or that strikes a nerve. It can be used as an opportunity to grow as an individual, learn new things or ways to do things, or recognize that we have some hidden emotion or insecurity in regard to what we are seeing.

The idea is to learn more about how to accept one another and our differences with out feeling the need to judge. We all have things that we do which others may not agree with and the same goes for what others do as well.

Whenever something strikes a nerve for you, there is always more under the surface of any given topic if it bothers us. It happens. How we react to it makes a difference.

So how would we handle some thing like this?

1. Ask yourself why you don't like it.

2. Think about what this persons behavior has to do with you on a personal level. It could be something "as simple" as you would never do that. So really just let it go.

3. What is it about that person "honestly" that annoys you?

4. Is it something that you feel, as an individual you are lacking or would like to improve in yourself? Perhaps you feel self conscious because they're doing it and you are not.

When you ask yourself these questions or talk to some one about it? Be honest with yourself and them. You may find that you still do not like what you've seen however it may be alot easier next time to reduce the effect someone elses behavior has on you.

And the ultimate place to be? Is to see something, recognize it's just not for you and let it roll off.

Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach

Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.

http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html

Repeating the same mistake in life over and over again.

2005-05-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

They say that we experience the same things over and over again until we learn the lesson from that experience that we are supposed to learn.

Depending on what it is, for myself I would review each time it happened and how I contributed to the situation from my inner self.

In other words, what is it about you or the situation that is the same or similar each time?

Who are the people involved? How can I change how I react to that person, or how can I discuss with this individual how it makes me feel?

I'll give you my own personal example. A few years back I was dating this fella who wasn't very emotionally available. I always felt that I had to be the one teaching him what caring meant. This wasn't the first time I had attracted such a guy either. I didn't realize until I went back into my own history and saw a pattern.

Was it every time I dated someone I was met with these results? No, it wasn't however there was a pattern that I saw.

So it was time to look inside myself to see how I added to this mix. I mean wasn't I nice? Loving? Giving etc.,?

Sure but it wasn't in a manner that got me what I was looking for and the reason for that was that I was afraid myself to open up to them. It was much safer for myself, due to various life experiences to remain focused on "them" and their issues than to focus on my own fears.

So what do you do in this case? You realize that you are part of the problem. And you realize that giving too much also contributes to the situation in that you are not expressing what your own needs within the relationship are. Perhaps you think that in giving you'll receive, however this is untrue. There must be a balance. Otherwise the other individual in that relationship is going to grow to expect their needs to come before your own and eventually things will fall apart.

Men and women go into relationships with certain expectations. They are not verbal expectations however they exist in each individuals mind. You have to figure out what these expectations are in your mind with regard to a partner and be aware of what your own needs are.

Also, I had never asked myself "exactly" what I was looking for either!

I went by attraction first. Not a bad thing, however, that wears off as the person reveals who they really are ... After that relationship I took a few years off. And now I am much more selective. I haven't found who I am looking for just yet but I've found out quite a bit about myself and I continue to do so every day.

It depends on the topic, it depends on our own needs and expectations and it depends on how we communicate ourselves to others.

My suggestion, as I've said is to look over your history and then write yourself a letter as to how you want things to be. And be specific. Focus on the positive aspects of this letter and focus then as well, on the things you see that may cause you some anxiety so you know the area's where you'll experience resistance.

Work on those areas and focus on the positive.

:) Hope this helps :)

If you experience any trouble doing this, I offer two initial consultations at 45 minutes each. Feel free to take me up on them!

Also there are many books on this topic I'm sure you would find helpful as well.

Good luck!
Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach

Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.

http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DreamScapeInt

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Reaching out of emotion

2005-05-03T04:00:00.000-07:00

@$^@% and do it!

2005-04-14T18:09:00.000-07:00

A small lesson in change.

Here's my thought. I want you to recognize that you have the power to change anything in your life that you put your mind to. How? By being consciously aware that's how.

I'd like to give you an exercise to do.

Take one thing that is normally in a set place and move it to another location. Like your tooth brush, the dish soap or your towels moved from one shelf to the other.

For a couple weeks or up to one month, leave that item in its new place. Initially you may remember where that item is, however due to being conditioned to look in a specific place you're going to find that over time your subconscious mind will reach for that item in its "old" spot.

Why? Because you have been conditioned to do so. Based on habits and/or patterns of behavior that you have developed.

Over time you will see that, you will no longer reach in the old spot for the item but automatically go to the new one. However you will go back occassionally to the old spot, scratching your head and wondering where it went, until of course you remember.

What I'm saying here is that YOU can change ANY habit by being more consciously aware. You can change life patterns, bad habits, develop new habits ... as long as you are consciously aware and make a "thinking" effort to do so.

We all know about the things in life that we do that are patterns of behaviors, we just may not be aware of how seriously they affect us in our every day lives.

So, what am I saying?

1. Define what it is that you want to change.

2. Make a conscious "thinking" effort to decide what you want to change.

3. Pay attention to yourself and the cycles that you have and stop yourself from continuing them.

How long does this take? As with anything new that is learned, it can be in an instant or it can take repetition. It depends on how bad you want it, how much effort you put into it and more importantly how aware you are of yourself and your actions.

I want to add here that you will find that just like with that item that you moved from one place to the other, once in a while your old habits will sneak back up on you and you will be pulled to go back to the old ways of thinking and doing.

Your best bet to over come these times is to remind yourself that you have a choice. Believe in what you want and what you want to do.

If it helps tell those who would be supportive of you what you are trying to change in your life to reinforce your determination.

I'll be here. Write and let me know how it works out.

Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981
Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html

Emotion vs. Communication

2005-03-25T03:57:00.000-08:00

How do you deal with a emotions?

Sometimes in life we are hit with a problem or situation that strikes a nerve. Usually it's from an external source and we are put into a position to deal with it. However there are plenty of times when we are hit with something and we don't deal with it right away. Resentment sets in, which then turns to anger and in the worst case scenario can turn into depression over time. There are even times where we may even begin to feel as though we have the right to retaliate instead of talking it through until we reach a level where we can be heard, resolve the situation in a manner where both parties are understood and prevent further misunderstandings in the future.

See if you recognize some of these behaviors below. Does it sound familiar? Have you seen someone else doing this? Iâ€™m sure you have.

1. Rant and Rave: The person believes that they have been treated poorly. They play the victim and plan revenge or become overcome with irrational thoughts and stories based on their perceptions of the situation at hand.

2. Psycho-analyzing: They think about the situation over and over again in an effort to come up with a logical explanation as to why the person did what they did to them, either real or perceived and make the other person wrong and drag them through the mud in their minds.

3. Chaotic: Combine numbers one and two and you have a chain reaction which triggers other events from the past and ads fuel to the current situation which inevitably make the situation more serious than it could be if they were to have handled it at the time it occurred.

There are a million reasons why we do these things. Two things I would like to make you more aware of are:

1. Emotional awareness: If you are hit with a slew of emotions in an instant, how can you decipher how you really feel and why you are so angry if you don't take a step back and re-evaluate the situation? Stop and ask yourself what emotions you are feeling. It could be a variety of emotions. Betrayal, fear, anger, embarrassment, wrongly accused etc.

Lets say someone behaves in a manner that you would think that they are angry at you. Say they walk away from you or make a gesture that you assume is directed at you. After all they "are" talking to you aren't they? What do you do? So you may experience anger or fear in this situation, I'm not you so I can't say. I am making a generalization for example purposes.

Stop as you feel the emotions coming up and address the behaviors that made you feel that way. You can say something like, when you threw your hands up in the air and walked away from me, it felt like you were very angry at me and it made me uncomfortable, what happened? Be willing and open to listening to the response. In order to get to the bottom of what just happened you have to be willing to listen "and" be open to the other persons thoughts and feelings as well. Sometimes this means that you may have to take a step back and wait your turn.

2. Communication: So what happens if you get a response that triggers even more frustration and emotion for you? You need to communicate this to the other person. Sometimes the best thing to do is to ask them to clarity what they mean.

You can paraphrase what the person said. "Stop" yourself from responding defensively by clarifying what was just said to you. This enables you to be more clear on what you heard.

Paraphrasing is highly effective because it stops us from reacting "due to a gut reaction" to something that was said or done, which made us feel uncomfortable. It further gives the other person an opportunity to rephrase themselves in order to be understood better. Thus you now have a clear understanding of what they really meant to say. This tool by itself can diffuse many situations right from the start.

Be mindful not to interrupt the individual speaking until they are finished. That will only breed more frustration on both of your parts and no one will feel understood. Learn to listen better so you can more easily identify what you need to clarify for yourself and the other person as well.

If you are caught off guard and catch yourself in steps one through three above where you are on an emotional roller coaster ride, I would suggest trying the following suggestions.

1. Be aware that you need to vent at times to gain clarity and insight into the situation. Journal, talk to a trusted friend or coach. Do something to take your mind off of it. In switching your thoughts it will help stop the buildup of emotions and stories you are now telling yourself about what the other person meant or didn't mean. It will give you the opportunity to calm down yourself by taking your mind off of the situation for a while.

2. If you are finding yourself stuck with a situation or problem do something that might shed some light on the situation, either by focusing on a solution to make it better, or how you would like to address the situation the next time you see the individual. To focus on the negative emotions is counter productive and will only serve to build more resentment and anger. What you don't want to do is to get so caught up in your own emotions that you become paralyzed by them.

3. The next time you see the person you should be sufficiently calmed down enough to use the techniques suggested to address this person without hostility and come to a resolution.

There are many times that people will say things that to us appear to be condescending, insensitive or that simply trigger something in us from a past event. At times we think we are doing the right thing in choosing to just "let it go". In some situations this may work, however if it is something that strikes a nerve, it's best to address it as quickly as possible. The reason being, is if we allow something to fester under the surface it will escalate in our minds causing resentment. In the future, we could blow up over something small because we never addressed the first situation.

Whereas if you have a talk with the individual it could be resolved much easier.
Most people are uncomfortable dealing with what they perceive to be a confrontation. The thought that every conversation we have is going to turn into an argument is a fallacy. Communication is about both parties being heard and coming to a resolution and mutual respect for one another. Over time it will become easier for you to identify the emotions that come up for you in any situation and these conversations will not seem so threatening to you.

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Motivational Quote

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Q & A Center

If you have a specific situation or life circumstance you would like to share please feel free to contact me directly!

If you have a question in regard to the article or with regard to yourself, please feel free to contact me any time!

DreamScape2005@aol.com

All replies will be within 24 to 48 hours!

Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981

Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html

How do you like your coffee?

2005-02-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

How do you like your coffee?

Hi everyone! It’s nice to see you again.

First and foremost I’d like to thank so many of you for your positive feedback on these newsletters as well as the suggestions and input I’ve received. It’s great to know I’m on track and making a difference for you all in the many different ways you’ve shown me. I will do my best to continue to come up with the common sense approach to life as well as suggestions in applying them.

I would also like to acknowledge our new subscribers! Thank you for joining us!

Last but not least, I would also like to thank those of you wrote me and offered constructive suggestions. My goal is to help give my readers a new and refreshing perspective about personal development. I greatly appreciate any and all input that I receive. I also want to thank my two new clients for signing up! I’m enjoying working with you immensely and I’m looking forward to our sessions.

Now, on to this months newsletter.

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You’ve tried coffee a variety of different ways before you came to the decision of say, black, cream and two teaspoons of sugar I’m sure. Especially since Starbucks hit the world and then you were confronted with a number of other choices!

If I were to ask you if you spent the same amount of energy and time making choices in your life, what would you say? What do you like about your life? What have you "tried" to do differently and if it didn't work did you keep doing it or did you pour yourself another cup and try something different? Life much like that cup of coffee (or tea for those of you who may prefer it) involves making choices.

Ever noticed, if you say you like your coffee black and sweet some people will wrinkle their nose in distaste? I like my coffee that way actually and I’ve seen the wrinkle nose syndrome and the polite inquiry of "really" why? Followed up with, "Oh, I could never have MY coffee that way!" Well that’s good right? Because it’s not their cup of coffee and if we push a little more, their life and preferences are going to be different than our own.

Maybe you don't even like coffee! and people may look at you like, "don't like coffee? That's absurd!" but is it true? and don't you have a right not to like coffee? Of course!

Your life runs along these same lines. We have choices every day that we make on a conscious or subconscious level and each choice makes a difference. These differences affect us on both an internal and external level as well.

So what stops us from making different choices? More often times than not the primary reason for not making conscious choices is fear. Fear of rejection; fear of failure; fear of not being good enough; fear of confrontation and a few others. There are also forms of self sabotage and procrastination as well. The thought that we have so much time and can put it off until tomorrow. Is this true? Do we really have all that much time here on earth? If you give it some thought, a minute ago you may have been in highschool and now 20 years have passed! That’s "20" years! And it went by in the blink of an eye. Still think you have enough time?

More than half the time when we consider making a change, there will be others who may question our choices and/or ideas. Sometimes they question us simply because they may have thought about it themselves and didn’t do a thing about them, and sometimes they do it simply because they never considered it themselves. This is not however a good enough reason for "you" as an individual not to think about what you would like to do in your life, make a plan to do it, and then follow through.

As we move through life and begin attaining these things and making better choices, you’ll begin to notice that the people you surround yourself will be more apt to think as you do. I assure you there is nothing wrong with having this type of support. Particularly when it comes to things that friends and family are not going to do for themselves, which may hold you back.

You may want to consider making a survey of your life and the things you would like to change and/or add to your life. Develop a plan and begin to take steps towards what makes you happy. As I always say, we only get one ticket in life, we may as well use it wisely!

In the meantime! Enjoy your life! And I’ll see you next month! By the way, I like my coffee black and sweet. :)

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Motivational Quote

It is not the critic who counts,
nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms, great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

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If you have a specific situation or life circumstance you would like to share please feel free to contact me directly!

If you have a question in regard to the article or with regard to yourself, please feel free to contact me any time.

DreamScape2005@aol.com

All replies will be within 24 to 48 hours!

Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981
Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html

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Little Lesson in Self Confidence.

2005-01-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

This New Years eve I went to a friends house to bring in the New Year, like I have for the past 4 years. It started out nicely enough. Friendly banter, updates from those I haven't seen in a while, nice assortment of wines and good food.

Upon my arrival, I ran into my friends, friend who we'll call Angel. Angel is a recovering alcoholic who believes she is allowed to drink on rare occassions to let off steam or enjoy a party or outing. This is not true, but she has this belief. So Angel was drinking and being pleasant and friendly to everyone. All was going along smoothly. I'd like to describe Angel for you.

Angel makes $350,000.00 a year; wears designer fashions; has a high pressure job in New York City that she worked very hard to get; a handsome husband who is 8 years younger than her; a beautiful home and an amazing Mercedes convertible. She was talking about purchasing a pair of Coach boots on e-bay (Angel is a smart shopper, loves a bargain, but does treat herself to what she wants.) for $368.00 vs. the $500.00 she would have paid in the stores. I thought, good for her she's got it like that. Angel dresses to a point of perfection and always has the latest styles in her closet. Sounds like a wonderful life doesn't it? One would think so looking in from the outside.

As the alcohol continued flowing, Angel's demeanor began to change from party fun to biting and challenging. The person she chose to challenge, was me. Initially, I didn't think anything of it, because as long as you don't react defensively to peoples attack, and place the responsibility of their words/actions back on them, usually they run out of steam. Unfortunately, this was not Angels way. She continued to ridicule my life; my income; what I do in coaching; who I am as a person and at one point had this bizarre idea that I was a prostitute on the side to make quick money.

Lets take a look at the situation. Angry nasty drunk verbally attacking another persons lifestyle and who they are as an individual in each and every way possible.

As the recipient of this attack I have to be honest, there were at least two times where I actually envisioned myself slamming this woman into the refrigerator or the floor and pounding her beyond recognition. Not only was I fighting becoming defensive but now I was becoming angry and hurt as well. Rightfully so in my view of the situation. There was even a point at the end when she began to give up in her little attack where I was shaking so badly on the inside that I thought I'd cry. It was a lot of work to maintain my cool demeanor and not over react. I want to add here that crying is not a weakness, it means you're hurt and angry and happens in moments such as this.

So what is a woman to do when confronted with a situation such as this? I couldn't get away, she followed me around like a puppy. I couldn't really throw her into the fridge now could I? No, highly inappropriate and a huge lack of control on my part. Plus my daughter was playing in the other room and as a parent I have to be a good example in spite of the manner in which I was being antagonized.

So what is a girl to do when confronted by a person who is dead set on ripping you to shreds and for reasons unbeknownst to you. I'll number them, we'll exclude the emotions here which came up, however should not be ignored because not only are you fighting emotions and responding in kind but you are fighting any and all triggers or sore spots this person may be hitting. Which inevitably makes it more difficult.

So whats a girl to do?

1. When it's a judgmental statement/accusation.
Q: Does this person know me well enough to say this?
Q: Is this true?

A: I reminded Angel that she did not know me well enough to make any judgments of me or my life and that I didn't appreciate her making such assumptions about me. I further asked her if what she was saying is true. She reminded me how much money she makes, I told her that was fabulous, however what did that have to do with me. One key thing to learn is to put the responsibility back on the individual delivering the blows to your ego and life style. Mind you, when you are defensive, hurt and angry, this is by far one of the most difficult things to do. However it can be done. Further, the things she was saying about me were not true. Not even close to my life, my values, the place of integrity that I come from and try to stick to even through out a situation such as this. This is where my self confidence "had" to kick in or I was doomed to behave in kind. Not where I wanted to go, I assure you. It would only have minimized me and who I am as a person.

The above is only a small part of the steps to take in this situation. At this point some of you may be calling her a few choice names and perhaps becoming a little defensive yourself. I can't say that I blame you ... however, after I was finished venting (which was a necessary step in coming back to my own center) I realized I also did something else that night.

The angrier I became, the more I knew how hard it would be to control the over whelming urge to just slap the silly out of her. I was pushed that far. I began playing these questions over and over in my head. In between trying to take deep breaths to remain in control of myself. Remember one thing in these types of situations, the only person you have any control over is you, how you respond and what you contribute to the situation. You can either make it worse, or you can place the responsibility back on the other person. I opted for being in control of myself, who I am as a person, and for sticking to my beliefs of who I am, knowing she was wrong and nothing she said was true.

2. What Questions do you ask yourself when confronted?
Q: Does this person know me at all?
Q: How hurt must this person be on the inside themselves to be slinging mud at me this way?
Q: Can I find empathy for them? (This one can be difficult.)
Q: In this case the individual was drunk but with a more rational person doing this, you may want to ask yourself what is it they are lacking in themselves? Why are they doing this? Is it an attempt to alleviate their own personal insecurities? A good percentage of the time it is.

People attack that which frightens them or is not in alignment with what they believe or live themselves. In this particular case, after further examination, I did find empathy for her because the insecurities that she has run so deeply that she lashed out at me in an attempt to make herself feel better and further used her position in life to intimidate me. A tactic which many people will use, but will not work if you are confident in who you are.

3. Tactics to use to difuse the situation.
A. Paraphrase what the person said back to them, make them clarify what they are trying to say to you. If you've reacted strongly you want to make sure that you heard them correctly before responding.
B. Address how they've made you feel and go back to what I said here earlier about asking yourself if any of this is true? Is this who you are? Or is this a false perception not based on fact.
c. Walk away. Simply excuse yourself. It is not weak to remove yourself from a bad situation at any point and time. You can advise the individual that you are through talking until they are in a better frame of mind. I had to do this at one point, and she walked away.

After she left, I was left with quite the revolving door of emotions. I went from anger, to hurt, to feeling judged and this went on for quite a while. So what do you do with all of these emotions? You must let them out. I didn't pick on Angel, but rather her actions and I had a few choice words to describe her as well. The bottom line of it all was that I was hurt. In order to alleviate these emotions, I have several suggestions:

1. Tell a friend and vent, don't put the other person down, but rather try to find that place of empathy. Remember one thing, those who attack others are not happy within themselves.
2. Journal and let it out, find your center again.
3. Ask yourself if anything this person said triggered a strong response in you if it was true, and perhaps to a little internal work on yourself to work through that as well.
4. Release the anger/hurt and find your way to forgiveness.

After having a day to resolve this, and doing the steps above, I've reached my center again. In the future when confronted with this individual or anyone else like this, I have gained the knowledge that I have acheived a level of self confidence and personal discovery and growth that I am proud of. I will further draw a line in the sand alot quicker to let the other individual know that this is not acceptable behavior. I was caught off guard. Based on this experience, I will not be as unprepared in the future. :)

Note: Be careful who you chose to vent to. Many people make excuses for another individuals bad behavior because they themselves would simply sweep it under the rug and make excuses for bad behavior. This will minimize your feelings and is not helpful. You don't want people to jump on a band wagon and bash some one like Angel, but rather help you find "your" center again. This is the most important part. Further after all is said and done and you've released your anger and hurt, you may want to consider calling that person and addressing the situation as well as how it made you feel. If you do this, you should address their actions and words and how they affected you. Not bash them for being a hurtful mean person. Keep in mind they may get defensive with you at this juncture as well.

Again, it is going to be up to you to keep your cool and bring the conversation back to the facts and how you were made to feel and further let it be known that it was hurtful and you will not tolerate this behavior any longer.

I hope you've found this helpful.

Sue T.
Life & Relationship Coach
Confidence is Silent. It doesn't need to defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.

The Mini Detours In Life Towards Success!

2004-11-25T06:12:00.000-08:00

As I was traveling today, I had to take a detour in order to reach my destination. Life is much the same way, we set a goal and then we have to take the steps necessary to get to accomplish what we set out to do. Sometimes, much like my trip today, we may have to turn down a different road than we originally thought and that's ok! There may be bumps in the road, that is what makes life interesting!

Maybe our expectations weren't realistic enough, or we hadn't really been aware of what needed to be done. Clarity is necessary in order to move forward and know when to shift gears. There is a time to be more open minded and that time is every day of your life. We need to remember not to be so stubborn to learn new ways and/or afraid to take new chances in life. Whether it be in developing a new relationship or learning something new about ourselves, it helps greatly to be open to the process of how much we can really achieve if we are focused on our goals and open to the possibilities that we may have to change course from time to time.

Sometimes life requires us to stop what we are currently doing "now", change direction so we can get ahead "later." Sometimes when we've taken 10 steps ahead, it can be very beneficial to take two steps back to review what we've done already. This is for two reasons. The first reason is it gives you time to view the positive aspects of what you have already done. You should always remember to focus on what you have accomplished already. The second reason is in returning to your original goal you can more readily see if you have strayed from your original direction or if you need to take a detour in order to refocus yourself. We may need to improve in some areas and re-evaluate our direction. This is a good step and it also helps us not to be so hard on ourselves in the process. Change does not happen over night, however the desire you have to reach your destination can pull you towards what you want in your life and success you desire.

It doesn't mean you have failed in some way, as a matter of fact it is a necessary adjustment at times to regain that clarity we had, the focus and the drive which prompted us to want these goals to be reached.

So where do you start? I have listed here below eight areas of life which I would ask that you write out on paper or in your computer and really think about what you would like to focus on. With a twist, I'd like you to write it down as if it has already happened. In each category tell me what you have already achieved. If you get stuck on some of these areas and it's your first attempt, it's ok! You can always go back after you have had time to think about it and add more.

1. Health/Fitness/Body
2. Profession/Career/Business
3. Money
4. Friends/Family
5. Significant Other/Romance
6. Physical Environment
7. Fun/Recreation
8. Personal Growth/Spirituality

So, have you completed your list? Now, I'd like you to go back and read it and chose the most important thing that pops up for you. Tell me how you plan to reach this goal? I want you to focus on what you want to achieve and then start making arrangements; plans; developing support for yourself in order to make it happen for real.

Who do you know who may have similar goals that you can talk to about these things? If fitness is your thing, what gyms are there in your area, or if you may be a little low on funds, what tapes can you buy to motivate yourself. You see where I'm going with this right?

Take the time "today" to make out your future! The idea behind this is to get you to become more consciously aware of what you may want to improve, it may take you some time to put together a strategy, however you can do this. I have complete faith in you.

If you have any questions, or get stuck any where, please do not hesitate to contact me at DreamScapeInt2005@yahoo.com.

Until next time!

Sue T.
Life & Relationship Coach
Confidence is Silent. It needs not defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.

Self Confidence Q & A

2004-10-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

1. Do you believe that we are born with self confidence, or is that something that develops as we mature?

I believe 100% that each and every person is born with confidence. Our environments can either enhance that confidence or break it down. We all grow up with different perceptions from our parents, grandparents and peers. To decipher all of the messages we get from childhood through adulthood without the proper filters and guidance can be really challenging. When we are children, under the right circumstances and in the right environments a child's self esteem can flourish and grow whereas if you have a child in a poor environment with constant critism or lack of support it is quite easy to develop poor self confidence and beliefs through out adulthood. I think it is important in relationships with children and adults that we do our best to enhance confidence with praise, acceptance and gentle guidance.

2. So, having said this, do you think an individual who may not have self confidence can develop it?

Absolutely. If one were to have a problem conveying what their needs are to another person, it could be because I wasn't in an environment where I felt safe to express myself. As such my natural tendency to talk about those needs would be stifled. However if that same person were to be involved in an environment, either as a child or as an adult, where they felt safe to be open with their thoughts, either in a group setting or with a coach, they would begin to learn that it is safe to express themselves without the fear of rejection or any perceived consequences. I believe confidence can be built at any time in ones life. Once an individual realizes that they have a voice and begin to use it, little by little their confidence level will improve. This process can start at any time. It does take commitment and self awareness as to the areas the person feels they are not confident with. In any area of personal growth the individual should define the areas where they feel confidence is lacking. Then begin to exercise that muscle. It may be difficult at first, as anything in life can be when we are accustomed to doing things a certain way, however with practice and the right supportive environment an individual can increase their level of confidence.

3. You mentioned that people need to identify the areas where they feel they are lacking in confidence. How many areas of self confidence are there?

Confidence does come on many different levels, there is self image, image of ones body, personal beliefs/perceptions which can all be shaken by external forces in life and without the right supportive environment these things can be severely shaken and a person can easily develop self doubt over a period of time and thus their self confidence can be minimized. Other areas of self confidence extend to personal relationships; work relationships; relationships with friends and our peers. So there are many levels where confidence can be lacking. Some times these things are simply buried until an individual begins to become more self aware and begin to identify the areas where they feel the could use some improvement. At that point, the rebuilding can begin. I'm not going to say it is an easy process. The mind has become comfortable and old patterns can sneak up on an individual when an occasion arises that triggers an event from their past. However, with practice and a new awareness, the individual can experience break throughs in each separate area. One thing I should say that is really important is how we communicate ourselves in order to be heard and respected. First and foremost the person should be honest with themselves as to the areas where they may need a little boost. Once they have determined this, it is easier to move forward with more awareness and develop ways to be more self confident in each particular area.

In closing I'd like to say that it is possible to develop a healthy level of self confidence and to express ourselves. There are times where external situations may make an individual doubt themselves. It is always good to assess the situation and determine if it is truly about the individual themself, or the other person is projecting their own insecurity onto them. In the worst case scenario where others would tear a person down to feel in control, it could be time to re-evaluate that relationship and if communication does not work, remove them from ones life permanently. It is also important to remember not to compare yourself to another individual as they have different beliefs and life experience. It is important to develop your own individual confidence in accordance with your own values, beliefs and individuality.

If you have any comments you would like to share with me, please feel free to post here in reply, or in the alternative you may write me at DreamScapeInt2005@yahoo.com

Sue T.
Life & Relationship Coach
"Confidence is Silent ... It Doesn't defend itself, it simply exists inside of you."

Causing Your Own Demise

2004-09-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

I called a friend of mine at a business I used to work for the other day, a young woman answered the phone and advised me that my friend wasn't there. She proceeded to talk to me and ask me how I am. I answered a few of her questions then proceeded to ask her about herself. She responded in saying how she was back together with her husband. She didn't sound too convincing, so I asked if she was happy? Her reply was, "I guess so" ... and then changed the topic.

She then went on to tell me how she was supposed to go out to a bar with a friend of hers on Saturday night but that her friend has changed her mind. After listening to her complain about her friend I said, "Well maybe she's tired and simply doesn't want to go out. Are you saying that what you want to do is more important than how your friend feels"? I mean, come on, lets face it folks sometimes we simply change our minds and would rather do something else. She continued to complain and further went on to call her friend a name, which I will not repeat. I said, "Are you saying that because she doesn't want to go out that makes it ok for you to be angry like this with her? Has it occurred to you that she is tired and simply changed her mind? Have you considered her feelings as opposed to chastising her"?

I was interupted and told she had to get the other phone. Experience would tell me this was her way of avoiding my comments in their entirety. When this young woman didn't get me to play her game or empathize with her "plight", she cut me off and hung up.

My train of thought after this was quite simple. To me this is indicative of an individual with controlling behaviors. The people in her life are accountable "to" her for every little tiny detail and god forbid you strayed from your initial choice, because this would mean that you weren't a friend and further, that you couldn't possibly care about her. In order to avoid being badgered, put down, yelled at and called names, most would give in and simply do what she wanted them to do. I've met people such as this before. It's one of those scenario's where it's 100% all about them. Having met her in the past, I know this to be true.

To be fair and reasonable, lets look at the other side of the coin. Another way to view this, from a coaching stand point is that this young woman has no idea who she is, how to get her needs met or how to convey those needs to others. She uses manipulation, anger and controlling tactics to bend people to her will.

In order for her to have a healthy relationship with her spouse or the people in her life, she needs to become very clear in what she wants and then further how to express herself to those around her. Certainly her behavior now can get her what she wants, however to me it's a cry for help.

The sad part about this situation is that she cannot see how she is contributing to this situation, nor stepping all over the people in her life. In her attempts to protect herself, which is the reality of what she is doing, it indicates to me that regardless of her attempts to control the outcome of the things in her life, she is adding to her own turmoil without ever stopping to ask why.

For now it may seem as though she has control over her life because, lets face it, she is getting her way over and over again through being so difficult. However, in the long term, her actions will eventually alienate the very people she needs, wants and loves the most in her life.

What I'm saying here today is that for every action there is a reaction. At some point and time everything will blow up in her face and what happens next, if she doesn't recognize her own contributions to the situation, is that she very well may blame everyone around her for "letting her down", without ever stopping to ask herself why. Here are a few questions to consider regarding situations such as this that you may find yourself caught up in, or even behaving as such.

Q: Do you know someone like this? If so, how do you handle the situation?

Q: What can be done in order to have more mutual understanding where both parties can be heard and understood?

Q: Are you willing to make the changes necessary to set higher boundaries, express yourself, and further to make changes and improve the relationship?

Self Confidence Tip of Today: It's very simple, if you are finding that someone is taking advantage of your good nature, you should address how it makes you feel. Start from the heart, express to them that it hurts you when they speak to you this way, and further if they continue to speak to you in this manner, you will not have a conversation with them until they are sympathetic and understanding of your feelings as well. The first time you attempt this, in some cases the person may argue or stare at you as if you have two heads. Realistically it could be that perhaps no one ever told them how over bearing they were and you are the first. Sometimes people truly do not realize the damage they cause by behaving in this manner and will change if confronted about it. You do have to stick to your guns though! Should they resort back to behaving in a manner that is dismissing how you feel, you must bring it up again, and then follow through with your actions. Sometimes, sadly we have to remove that person from our lives. It can be painful to have to do that for many reasons. However in viewing this realistically, if you don't, you will be allowing this person to treat you badly and disrespectfully for the years to come. The choice is yours and you have one life to live and more friends to make.

I have a great link to Oprah's site which describes personal boundaries and how to begin to set them:

Oprah/Setting Boundaries.

If you have any comments you would like to share with me, please feel free to post here in reply, I believe I've set that up correctly or in the alternative you may write me at DreamScapeInt2005@yahoo.com

I hope you've enjoyed my first blog and please come back as with practice I know they're going to simply get better and better!

Sue T.
Professional & Personal Life Coach
Designing the Many Facets of Life