Letting Go and Moving On...This is important.

Some life experiences are things that people simply have a difficult time getting over. I understand this.

So they talk about it and they talk about it, because it makes them feel better and they blow off steam. Unless they're stuck in the middle of feeling like a victim and moving past the situation which can take a longer time period for some.

If you're pay attention, there are some who tell their story, get advise, then they find another person who feeds into the hate or discontent that they have about the situation.

It can be by saying the initial person is right and a good person and the other person is bad. This is VERY validating to someone.

This can't be soooo bad, feelings are validated, old hurts are seemingly appeased or start to heal. This is great! Right?

Well, that depends. Sometimes the initial person starts to compile all this proof that the other person is so bad and continues to look for this validation from others and agree with them that they start to gloat on just how bad the other person REALLY IS and how GOOD they are... that they "seem" to be healing or moving past the situation, but in reality they're still hurt over it, still holding onto the situation and still looking repeatedly to make themselves "right" and the other party "wrong".

Following me?

It may very well be true, all that they're saying about someone else.

However the true healing comes when they recognize that they need to let go of the old hurts and situations, that they have no control over the other persons actions or lack thereof.

It comes with viewing the situation from a third party perspective where they make a decision to forgive that other person for all that they've done.

It doesn't mean to forgive them to allow the other person to do it again. Certainly not. Lessons should be learned and boundaries should be set. Definitely.

However when there's this glimmer of "glee" when others validate the original story, over and over again... that's not part of the healing process. That's simply a way to continue to hold onto the past and not move forward.

With this type of person you're not going to change how they think or how they feed into the original problem over and over again. They have to see it... they have to acknowledge what the benefit they're getting from this constant validation over a situation really is.

A person who has moved past a situation, doesn't continually talk about it.

Doesn't suck people into it and look for even more validation and the your "right" they're "wrong" feedback.

What they are going to do is to let go of the story and CHOSE to NOT feed into it anymore by either talking about it or by removing that person from their life completely.

Why have a person in your life who causes you so much emotional duress.

Why keep talking about a situation when you've gotten the validation and understanding that you need?

Why continue looking for those small, seemingly insignificant opportunities to talk about it or find out what another person is doing... thereby feeding into your own healing process in a negative way?

Letting go of a situation where we've been hurt, can feel very difficult.

When you grow emotionally as a person and you learn to forgive others for not knowing... this is when you start recognizing that while a situation may have hurt you, you can learn from it and move forward.

Not hold onto it by having others around you feed into it, not by doing little things to get validation from others, not by gloating when someone else agrees with you.

You know, THEY were WRONG .. YOU were RIGHT!

This mentality can turn you into a martyr really quickly.

What you want, is to be understood and then heal from the situation.

Accept that whatever the other person did they did on their own. It didn't have anything specifically to do with YOU ... it was their "stuff" and their beliefs or lack thereof that caused them to do it.

Then, letting it go, learning healthy ways to not be around someone like this.

We all have a choice in life, who we let in and who we kick out.

If a person is around us is toxic, over time you can see this and no matter how much you may wish things were different, it is what it is. Why feed into it more?

Continuing to feed into it, isn't good for a person, no matter how much they think they're moving past it, they're not. Because they're still looking, over and over again for that validation.

At some point, a person has to move past the story and what happened, heal and gain a better understanding of themselves and what they're going to do on a personal level to make themselves happy.

Sometimes, yes, this feels easier said than done. Been there done that. However, it CAN be done... People have to decide that they are not going to allow this other person to have any emotional control over them any more.

They're walking around doing their thing aren't they? No matter what you think, how many times you tell your story, no matter how many people empathise with your or say you were right they were wrong... you're still telling the same story over and over again and feeding into your own discontent.

They are happily going on their merry way, knowing they can get to you, or that they have gotten to you OR already over it.

So when you're done getting your validation and understanding, venting about a situation and blowing off steam, change your focus to deciding that you are not going to allow this other person to interfere with your life or your own personal happiness.

You can do it... go on.

Setting the bar too high. Is there such a thing?

Sue T I'm writing back to a friend of mine this morning and they were saying how they wondered if sometimes we are setting the bar too high.

I think it's more about if we have people around us who support the bar. If we're around others who are complacent or who put down what our personal goals are, we may start to believe, due to their negativity or lack of support that "we" are setting the bar too high.

We may tend to absorb their negative feelings and thoughts.

Kind of like, "What makes you think you can do that?"

Or ...

"You should have something stable and secure."

I tell you, is anything in this day and age stable and secure? As a matter of fact, to contradict this popular thought process these days that there's a lack, there are plenty of people out there I know who are working, who are making a living and who are moving towards what they want.

Maybe not at the speed they would like however, they readjust and reprioritize their goals at times, and they move forward

In having a goal and learning to reprioritize when necessary, it means we're not willing to sit back and not contribute to our own happiness.

Just because something we wanted didn't work right away, doesn't mean that we can't have what we want. It means that we have to keep trying until it happens.

It also means we have to keep looking at what we're doing to see if we have enough information or are educating ourselves on what we need to do.

If you look at my experiences with my job search over the past three years, in looking for an environment that I liked and where I enjoyed going to work. I couldn't seem to find it. Right?

Those of you who have been members here a while, know what I'm talking about.

Some could say, "Well it was YOU Sue..." (Maybe I set the bar too high in what I was looking for.)

How could that be though? I have an environment now that I like... can you imagine if I had accepted where I was, financially, emotionally and just sucked it up and stayed where I didn't feel good?

Now, my resume, looks like a mess. That was a deterent to some firms. Mind you, I said "some" firms. Other firms looked at how I changed my positions and said, "WOW you've got a lot of experience!" ...

It's all about perception isn't it? Yes.

And in spite of the appearance of my resume, I found a place that fits me. It's not that I can wear jeans to work. Although, that is such a perk. :)

It's that I, overall like where I am, what I do, who I work with on a daily basis... that was the goal. And I'm making better money. That was the goal as well.

My overall goals were to not be stressed about going to work due to the people there.

To find a position where I was paid what I'm worth.

To find a place where I didn't experience anxiety and put off getting ready in the morning because I "just did not want to go".

It took me a while didn't it? I had a lot of ups and downs and ... sometimes I thought, maybe other people are right. Maybe my goal to find this "is wrong".

Maybe it doesn't exist.

Now, is that true? No. It's not. I've proven that by finding what works for me.

I also was fortunate enough to have other places where the environments were what I liked, but didn't realize it at the time, to fall back on. I had proof that what I was looking for "DID" exist. We can forget that sometimes when we're trying so hard.

Could I have thought that I set the bar to high? Certainly.

Did I want to buy into that thought process?

Absolutely not.

So, when someone asks you if you're setting the bar too high, what do you say?

How do you feel?

What are you going to do, whether you succeed the first few times or not, to continue to go for what you want?

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult to keep a positive perspective on looking for what I wanted. I felt pretty awful sometimes. I thought, maybe it doesn't exist? Maybe it's me... Maybe I should have stayed at this one particular place instead of rocking the boat and striving for more.

I had doubts many times. I'm sure some of my friends may have had doubts too.

However I held a belief, based on my past experiences, that this kind of place existed and that I would find it. The fact that it seemed to take forever, and inbetween there were circumstances beyond my control where things that I literally could not control.

I had to shuffle things around, I had to hold onto my thought process that I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to buy into the thought process that I had to suck it up and "tolerate" bad behavior from the people around me.

You know, statements like, "Well every job has that person or something we don't like."

I thought... Yah, this may be true but ... just how much to people tolerate if it's something that doesn't roll off?

And why would I want to tolerate that?

So I kept at it, I kept trying, failure after failure... I kept looking. I had one friend who offered to help me with my resume and wipe out the mess that it seemed to be.

I thanked them a whole lot but I figured if I started out that way, we'd both have to answer questions about what I'd been doing which ... would really be a yarn. I appreciated the offer a whole lot. I really wanted to do it too. Seemed like I should just accept that maybe the kind of place that I wanted/needed didn't exist anymore.

I'm glad to say, I didn't set the bar "too high"... because now I go to a place where I enjoy being. For the most part. Don't get me wrong there's stress and some interpersonal stuff as we get used to each other that crops up but it's nothing like what I've been through in the past.

It's not "tolerable" it's "workable"... big difference in that.

So, in closing, because I have to work out now... is there such a thing as setting the bar too high?

I don't think so.

I think we need to pay attention to what we want, maybe reprioritize things, learn other things but overall... shifting doesn't equal failure. And I can tell you, I had doubts... it didn't equal my desire to be happy at my day job though.

Sometimes it was really hard. Make no mistake!

Now I think, imagine the things we wouldn't have in our life if we quit every time things got difficult?

That would be a shame... right?

So, is there such a thing as setting the bar too high?

I don't think so... You?