Does it Make You Think? Michael Jackson's passing...

On Friday I was talking about Michael Jackson's passing work and I wanted to know why people cry when someone famous like this passed. I thought it was an immense shame, but I didn’t feel the need to cry. Although I've seen many crying in the news.

Over the next few days, radio stations, MTV, and a couple other tv/radio stations began playing the wide array of music that he had done.

One by one, memories started coming back in my mind about different times in my own life and where I was at the time. I watched the videos with great reflection on Michael Jackson’s behalf. If that’s possible… Meaning I watched him, "really" watched him perform. Watched who he was ... thought about the things he had been through, what he was accused of in life. I wondered at one point, if he simply just got tired.

He was conditioned by an abusive father to be the best. To practice until he got it right. At least these are the stories I’ve heard over the years. His focus was to be “the best singer”, “the best artist”, "the best performer" to have fame, recognition. All things he was taught were important. And he certainly shinned, didn’t he? I think so…

I watched these videos and I thought about how he never learned the simple things. The things we may take for granted. Although I know he had charities and things the he contributed to throughout his life. I'm talking about “for himself” as an individual… it seemed there wasn’t very much. You know, as a human being.

Loved by millions, not loved by one. And he was a corky fella… You could see his style in the many video’s. I watched, the fire, his dedication, the impecable dancing and singing. He was truly masterfull.

Yet… here’s this guy who has brought so many memories to others. For some, solace from some things and memories from different times. Memories revived which has now come from his passing. And to die, in this way… so senseless. A waste … on so many levels.

I have a favorite song that he did when he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. It's entitled, “You Are Not Alone". The first time I ever heard that song I was living in the shore area in a house I really loved. It was an old house, falling apart but I really liked it there. Hearing the song that day brought me to tears the first time I heard it and I still can get choked up today when I hear it again.

I wasn’t looking out or “for” any new releases of any kind from him. I kind of heard the music and took for granted the massive amount of talent that he had.

I think this is a good reminder to not let life slip through our fingers. To not take things for granted… and to not assume because someone has wealth and fame, that they’re happy.

I’d take both myself. Actually I would have happy, healthy and wealthy… not necessarily fame, that has it’s own issues.

I have to say, now that it’s sunk in a bit… I understand more why people cry when someone like this young fella passes. And make no mistake… he was a young fella. 50 is not old… not in this day and age with people living longer lives.

They hear a song, they’re in a certain place, it brings back memories for them and that hope a song can bring to people. The heart it can touch. They have an emotional attachment to all that this person has acheived in their life. This guy, meant “something” to so many people… for so many different reasons… I can see it now. It took me a couple days to absorb the whole thing however, I see it now.

I’m glad he’s in a place, where he will be eternally happy now. R.I.P… You’re free. (MJ)

The other thing that comes to mind for me is, does something like this make us question our own mortality?

We could be gone in an instant. Not under Michael Jackson's cirumstances (or maybe, you never know) but an accident or ... some unforseen "something".

By the end of today I started to think, wouldn't this have us considering our own mortality. I have ...

I mean, look at this man. Acheived all these things and he was, sadly, a mess.

What about the rest of you? I am in no way inferring that anyone here is a mess but what are the things we just assume will be there?

That's not true. History tells us this isn't true, yet we tempt fate all the time and take for granted the time we have and what we do. I'm not saying all the time, I am saying I think it happens to some of us, some of the time.

I think it's a very interesting thought process...

Emotional Reactions - Communication Skills

I had a woman call the office yesterday. She was trying to fax something that my boss apparently was "on her" about getting to us, so we could get the guy's insurance to authorize treatment.

So, she calls, asks if the fax is working properly... and this is how it went. This is not "exactly" what was said but it's pretty close.

Her: Is the fax working?
Me: Yes.
Her: Well I've been trying to fax this information your boss needed and it's not going through!
Me: Is your phone number blocked? I think our machine doesn't accept faxes from blocked phone numbers.
Her: Can't you fix that? He (my boss) was very insistent about getting these records to him "today".
Me: I'm not sure how to take that feature off.
Her: Well (Now she starts getting frustrated and loud at me.) If you want these records (not me mind you, my boss) I don't see why YOU can't FIX this issue so I can fax them!
Me: You know, in the same breath I could say, can you take the block off of your number so our machine can accept the fax. What I"m saying is, I don't know how to do that. I would, however I'm not able to.
Her: WELL ... can I mail them? (obviously frustrated now and getting more and more aggressive)
Me: Sure, I don't see why not, we'd have them by Monday I'm sure.
Her: (She seems to start to have some kind of anxiety attack at this point) Your boss was on the phone with me yesterday and he really needed these!
Me: I understand that, I will tell him there's an issue with the machine and let him know you'll mail them.
Her: I don't see why you can't just fix YOUR MACHINE!
(Holy crap)
Me: Listen, this is not between you and me, this is a technical issue that can't be helped, yelling at me isn't going to remedy the situation and this is not personal, there's no need to yell.
Her: Tell your boss that in the future I"m not going to go to these lengths and have this problem!
Me: I will not tell him that, if you have something you want to say to him, you can tell him yourself. That is between you and him, not you and me.
Her: Well leave him a message!
Me: I'll be happy to.

Then the call ended with us agreeing she would mail the records. Which were faxed later... either she fixed her machine or ... maybe it was busy or something. Whose to say?

Now... for saying so's sake, when my boss wants something he comes across pretty strongly. So I can understand her anxiety and poor reaction to not being able to do it.

HOWEVER folks... this is not for one person to take out on another... It's unacceptable behavior.

If you're working "with" someone who is getting more and more aggressive with you, there are boundaries to set with that person as I did above. By advising her that it wasn't personal, that it was a techinical issue that she and I didn't have to get into it over this issue. As she got more aggressive with me, I set and enforced the boundary that this was not personal and that it wasn't going to work if she was yelling at me.

How is this good communication? Well, you're stopping the fight before getting baited into it.

Meaning, you're not feeding into the drama or the false accusations of the other person who starts to lash out at YOU.

You're stopping it by advising them that it's not personal, it's not between you and them. In this case it was a technical issue that neither could remedy.

You're also stopping a miscommunication between YOU and your BOSS ... by relaying a nasty message when if the person has something they need to say TO THE OTHER PARTY that's on THEM to relay. Not you.

If I had relayed that message, he would have snapped at me (maybe...) and I would have had to deflect THAT ... because of relaying a message. I'm not up for that. If she had an issue with him, she could tell him herself. Very simple. I didn't need to be in the middle of that and I wasn't going to be put in the middle of that.

We can get easily roped into a situation due to OUR reaction to another individual.

What is important to remember, as YOUR emotional reactions start to take over ... is that when another party is anxious or starts lashing out at YOU for something that you're trying to help them with...

You have to set a boundary.
You have to reverse and stop them from placing the blame on YOU and advise them what their options ARE.
You have to remember that this is not personal and remind them of this as well.
You can also advise them that them yelling at you isn't going to help the situation. (Mind you, some won't handle this well either.)
You can also advise them if they have something to say to a third party, they can call back at a later time and speak to said person.


IF you have to relay a nasty message to someone and that someone gets angry... that's also not going to be "at you".

You can do the same thing with the person who hears the message.

I'm only relaying a message if you need to talk to this person, tell them. Don't tell me.

People tend to have others tell someone else certain things at times and to me that's poor communication.

If we have something to say... we need to remember a few things.

Don't kill the messenger.
When someone is trying to help you, it's not fair to take your anxiety out on them.
Don't attack the people you call and ask for help.
Working with someone is going to get you a lot farther than lashing out at them because MOST people will empathize with you and help if you treat them with respect.
Think about WHAT it is that's set you off and learn how to set boundaries with "the individual" who set you off in the first place.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you set a boundary with someone?

They'll get angry? Anger is a reaction... which can be side stepped with proper communication.

Now, there are those who just get angry at everything... in those times, call a spade a spade and work around them.

However, if you learn to hear when a conversation is not being flipped "ON YOU" because of the other person's issues. You'll have a much better chance of side stepping getting sucked into an argument or debate that really has nothing to do with you.

Try it... I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Maybe you'll feel some anxiety as you start doing this.
That's normal because you're exercising something new. It will pass as you get better at it.

After I got off the phone, I did need to vent a little bit... something like, "You're not sucking me into YOUR little drama today! So not going to yell at me over something that neither of us have any control over!" HMMPH!"

LOL :) My personal goal is to not have to vent at all... but emotions are tricky. When I had to set the boundary in the first place, it was because her behavior was unacceptable. That's a big no, no with me. Because I treat others with respect and I don't tolerate the opposite behavior from them.

I'm VERY communicative and helpful... so if a person isn't working with me, they're inevitably working against me. We can't work together if we've got some adverserial stance going. That's just ... what?

Stupid. :) No one wins, no one gets what they need done and then you're angry at some person over something that could easily have been remedied.

Why have that mess up your day? I say, don't have it mess up your day. Learn how to hear when a conversation is going south and how to bring it back to a place where you're both listening.

Sue T.

Why should YOU have to apologize! ?

I remember reading an article a while back, years back, and in it they were talking about how if someone reacted badly to something that we said, we should "stop talking" and "apologize" ...

I remember thinking... "You're kidding me right? Why should I have to apologize for THEIR bad behavior or reaction? Hmmmph! Hell no..."

Until ... one day, I was having a "strong disagreement" with another person. They had misunderstood something I said and were reacting in a way which was far from being open to listening to what I was saying.

They continued being defensive and beligerent ... and I continued to try to express what I was trying to say and meeting with no results whatsoever.

I thought to myself, "When did this conversation start to go south?" I rewound about 3 minutes back and found that point where they stopped listening... I thought, "Oh, Okay... let me start over."

I went back to that part of the conversation and I said that I was sorry if "this part of the conversation" appeared to them as if I was saying x,y,z however that was not my intention. What I was saying was this... and I explained it at more length to them.

Well, whattaya know about that? They became more open to listening ... they stopped being defensive and the more questions I asked them, which were simple ones such as,

"Why would I do something like this (?) and what would give you any indication that I would ever do something like that?"

Apologizing doesn't mean you're going to back down from what you want or that you're "weak" and the other person is going to get over on you. The idea of it is to acknowledge the other person where they started to misunderstand what you've said and start over.

I used to think it was all about winning and/or losing. Someone had to win and someone had to lose. Or at least I was going to be heard.

This doesn't work out well in conversations though because no one wins when no one is listening.

In apologizing you're taking responsibility for maybe having worded something the wrong way, restating what you meant by that one misstatement and then moving forward past that point.

The goal is for both people to be "heard" not to keep beating each other up until you both throw up your hands in frustration, the conversation is circular, never has an ending and no one at all is understood and nothing is resolved.

It's about taking responsibility for ourselves in what we say and what we're doing.

I'm not saying we have to "own" another person's bad behavior at any time... I am saying that to start over, apologize for where the other person misunderstood what we've said is an excellent means by which to actually have both people be heard. Then you can come to an understanding... trust is built up, not broken down and you'll also find that future conversations will be better as well. Especially as you establish trust with the other person.

Maybe you're thinking, why the hell should YOU have to use these tactics? Why can't other people do it!

Honestly because most people are not the best communicators. If you want results, and you want to find a way to talk to others in a way the yeild mutuality in a conversation, it's an easy thing to do. Over time you'll find they are more open to other conversations as well. They will pick this up "from you" and as you go, the relationship becomes stronger as you learn how to communicate cleaner with one another.

There are those people who would assume that if you're apologizing that they're RIGHT about something. That's not really the goal. It's the farthest thing from the truth too. Both people have a point which needs to be heard and understood.

If you taking this step makes that happen, it's not a bad thing.

If anything it's showing more strength to go back and start over, from where things began to get hairy, and actually achieve what you want to.

Nobody wins when no one is heard.

Little food for thought today. :)