It's not how you are alike, It's how you are DIFFERENT

Sometimes we meet or know someone with same or similar issues as we have. On a deeper level of who we are... we point out to this person how we are alike in this area and maybe sometimes they agree.

You have your reasons, they have theirs but the outcome is the same ... you both have this issue that you contend with differently.

See... we want to identify and have something in common with another individual. A friend maybe, or a possible romantic love interest ... co-worker... etc., however ... just because you may have this "something" in common, does not mean that you are "alike".

It doesn't mean that the other person is a good fit for you, it doesn't mean that in this area that you can be supportive of one another in a way that is helpful for the two of you. It doesn't mean that you are so alike that being together is going to heal any old wounds that you both may have.

The thing to keep in mind, when you identify with someone in this way, is that it doesn't mean that they would enhance your life or be a good fit for you "just because" you have this personal issue in common.

It's how you differ, what you've chosen to do with your life, how you've worked at your own personal version of this "common" issue that makes all the difference.

You may have done quite a bit of work on yourself and worked this out. You hear same or similar things from another person, you make an assumption that they would understand you because of this similarity. They very well may understand you... it doesn't mean that they've done anything to move through whatever this particular issue is.

In this, comes BIG differences in your persons... You recognize it, you've changed... you've grown. They, on the other hand, are only telling the story ... and not really focusing on how this issue has affected them, nor are they making lasting changes by addressing it.

You'll find they play the same record over and over again, you'll hear the same things over and over again. Initially you may assume that because they say it, or agree with you that you are like minded.

This is not entirely true. There are people who admit to things and do not change and there are people who admit to things, absorb into "their own mind and life" that this is not serving them and make lasting change and attempts to work through it.

So... the reality becomes that... while you "are" alike in this old wound or similarity in experiences... It's how you are different that is the most important aspect of this common ground that you see.

The differences are great when one person is still commiserating and the other has moved past this issue.

Yet... initially, this common ground, this issue ... if you will that you two have in common ... does not make you compatable with them, it doesn't make you the expert on their life or how they can work things out.

It is still entirely up to that person to see their issue, to go and get the help they need, to work things out for themselves.

You can see how you differ over time. Over their actions and how they may talk about it, yet ... they talk the talk, but they're not walkin' the walk. Meaning they aren't "really", "really" doing something to make a lasting change ... like perhaps you have... in being healthier as an individual.

My suggestion when you see this common ground in the future is to not take this common thread and assume that they are "so much" like you that it would be a good fit.

Wait and see ... What you wouldn't want is to misread the other person's sharing as an indication that they've done the work on themselves and are changing or have become healthier. It reveals itself through their actions, or lack thereof.

Pay attention... wait and see.

Talk is cheap, action is priceless.

You've Changed... They haven't

As you go through your own personal changes, mature emotionally and begin processing how you feel better and defining who it is that you "really" are or want to be... there are things that you're going to start noticing about the people around you that may catch you by surprise.

As an example, maybe your group of friends were great before you began to examine your life then later on after you've put all this time and work into who YOU are... you recognize how negative those friendships really were/are for you.

Say you have a group of friends who are consistently complaining and blaming everyone else for everything and anything possible. It's not uncommon ... personal accountability can be lacking in many areas of a persons life.

You've started to recognize how what you do, or what you don't do affects other areas of your life, so you start taking responsibility for your contributions or lack thereof, to a situation... Things start shifting for the better! You now have a clearer perspective and view of what you would like to change and you begin to impliment these changes.

You go to share these things with the group of people who you've been comiserating with all these years and they... don't understand. They're still inadvertently roping you into drama, issues, pointing fingers at someone else for their troubles, instead of recognizing, as you have ... that personal accountability does not mean that everything is our fault... it's more about taking steps to recognize what does or does not work "for them" and learning how to start doing things differently.

So what happens? They say YOU'VE changed and they can't talk to you anymore... because you don't understand like you used to!

Eventually those people are going to fall off and out of your life. They're still stuck...

You've decided to make your life better ... you've started to invest in yourself and what you want, and they can't seem to see the bigger picture of making these changes.

The truth is that you've developed a healthier mindset and lifestyle and they haven't seen the value of this yet.

Which is a shame because you now know, how much happier they could be, if they began to take note of themselves and their own contributions to the problems they are having.

How many of you have made changes in your life for the better and found old friendships began to drop off ?

How many have made changes and started to recognize how a particular group of people tend to suck the life out of you? Whereas other newer interests and groups of people make you feel supported and really good about yourself?

How many wish that they could bop their old friends over the head and get them to truly see how much better things would be, "if only".

How many of you understand that it took YOU this long to change and you have to be patient with them? Course... they have to see it and until they begin to understand that doing things differently, that you can't do anything really except by example.

Any time you begin to make changes for the better, the other people in your life or group are going to resist. Unless they've beat you to it and YOU were the person resistant :) ...

You can't beat them over the head and make them come with you.

They have to be ready. Just like you...

In the meantime, you can try to be supportive of them, but not at your personal expense of going backwards.

If you've changed, you'll find so does your circle of friends. You're going to WANT people around you who make you feel good, supported, validated and understood. Who are going to help you to think things through better, to make changes that help you to get what you personally want in your life ...

We, sadly, at times... begin to see the negative affects that the old group had on us and we start shying away from that group. And for good reason... we just do not feel good anymore being around them.

It never means that we're "better" than the other person. Heck at some point, we WERE that person.

It means that we are striving to be better as an individual ... and that's okay.

It means that sometimes we have to let old relationships go... especially when being around them, makes us feel bad.

Sure there's remorse that comes with this... I don't know a person on earth who doesn't have mixed feelings with letting go of a friendship or a person who makes them feel bad ... At the same time, if you truly WANT your life to change and be better... sometimes you have to let these people go... at least for a while.

Maybe you're changing will help them to recognize that they are not as stuck as they thought... but, again, they have to see it...

It may take years... they may not grasp what you're doing... That's just frustrating. Course, I know for a fact that I've frustrated many people along my journey, that's for sure! :)

My point, as I go on here, is ... dont allow another individual's fear or lack of self awareness to make you stay the same. Or to make you think that there's something wrong with you for wanting something better or more in your life.

You need to do, for yourself, what you need to do for yourself... it's important to recognize this.

It's either that... or leaving things as they are. That's not working for you... and I wouldn't want to see anyone not do something because someone else was resistant to it.

You've got enough resistance :) of your own to contend with.

Do it anyway... take the time to pay attention to yourself and see what you want. Start doing it... You may lose some people who drag you backwards... what you gain, is less negative energy and thoughts from them. You don't need that baggage anymore. Do you?

It's your turn to decide that you would like your life to be different...

Don't inadvertently allow negative people around you to stop you.

That would be a shame... truly.