I distinctly remember a time where I was upset about something. I told the person who was around me at the time, how I felt and that I was very upset... I was instantly angered by something I had been told because I thought that I was promised something important and now, the other person was going to back out of their promise.
Based on same or similar situations in the past, instead of being calm in that moment, saying to myself, Okay, Okay... just wait and see, talk it through with the person. I was, on a scale of 1-10 anger wise, a 20.
I knew I needed to vent, because I may find myself handling something badly if I allowed this feeling to go any further. So, I vented to this individual... I just needed to get it off my chest.
Now, what they did, wasn't just listen or appreciate my situation, most may not be good at that anyway... however this individual chose to take this "opportunity" to feed into my already high level of feelings on the matter by telling me stories about the things this person who made me the promise had done "for someone else"... Which would have been in direct contradiction, keeping their promise to someone else, and not me.
You can imagine how much damage this type of behavior can cause to an already tense situation. I can only imaging how that would have affected the situation few years ago.
A few years ago, I would have allowed this person's stories to sit with me, to create more frustration, betrayal and anger. Just sitting there hearing it, would have made my head spin with all of these irrational thoughts about this individual.
Had I allowed this to happen, picture what would have happened in my conversation with the other person when I did finally see them or respond to them.
It would have been explosive, the ramifications of "my actions" in feeling slighted in this way would have truly messed up a budding relationship between myself and this other individual.
All I kept hearing my mind say was... "How is this relevant to my situation?"
Fortunately for me, I took the high road. I addressed the situation calmly and was specific as to a prior conversation that had taken place, and advised them that they were mistaken.
Guess what happened? The party, that I was upset with acknowledged what I said, and followed through.
Imagine had I allowed the other person's stories and words to color my experience? It wouldn't have worked out well and the foundation in the relationship I was building with the initial person who I was upset with, would have been heavily cracked.
You have to pay attention to other people's motives when they share in your stories.
You need to separate and divide these things "for yourself" and take things from a higher perspective.
Reason and thinking things through can help you greatly.
In the future too, I would strongly suggest trying not to discuss issues with the person who was feeding into it negatively.
If they do hear it, you need to address it and ask them directly why they would feed into something, which already has the potential to blow up in everyone's face as it is.
Watch the excuses flow folks...
Don't buy into what other's say, learn to think for yourself and create relationships with others on your terms, in a healthy and communicative way.
Stop.
Think.
Address.
Don't asssume the worst in someone else because a situation is same or similar. Do, know what you know, understand you'll have these times where same or similar situations trigger a strong response from you.
Learn how to talk yourself down from that place. Learn WHO you can talk to about these things so it's not enhanced by someone else's "stuff". Then address it with the person directly, in a calm and rational manner. You react badly, they'll react badly. It's just that simple.
Difficult to process at the time perhaps, but the high road, in the end, makes for more trust in a relationship and opens the door for more understanding in the future.
If, that's what you want. If you want to walk around bitter and feeling like the poor mistreated? Have it at... I chose not to.
3 comments:
You're right, when someone else piles on, that can change the emotional state and make it even worse. However, sometimes it might be justified, especially if the person you're talking to had shared a bad experience previously and then it happened to you.
You're definitely a lot cooler with these things than I am. Then again, lucky for me, I rarely allow myself to be put into such situations. :-)
Sending this follow up post to make sure I receive a response if you happen to comment back; stupid Blogspot. lol
My personal goal is to be calm... I don't have to react a particular way in any given situation. This is something that is tested over and over again in daily situations. That communication book you and I have, and a large amount of other information I have read and learned over the past couple of years, really makes a lot of sense.
The individual who was feeding into it did not have the same bad experience and was feeding into what I may not get, by what others "had" gotten in the past. Which, could have fed into this situation as my being slighted because this person did it for others and "why not me?"
Plus add some more old experiences where I may have felt or literally been slighted in this way and that could have turned out pretty badly. Not only for myself but for the person I had the conversation with later on.
I was listening to Steven Covey this weekend and he goes on to say how we have choices as to how we respond to the things we're confronted with. If we learn, as I've really started to, to take that "pause" to think and then to respond... that makes so much of a difference.
Over time, I plan on being one of those reaction free people. In the good way, not void of emotional responses or happiness etc., but to the point where I get to the core of the issue as fast as I can, and then resolve it when possible.
Course, too, it also takes some knowledge as to what we are going to be able to communicate and when we should toss in the towel for a while. Especially when there "are" emotional feelings at stake.
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