Why should YOU have to apologize! ?

I remember reading an article a while back, years back, and in it they were talking about how if someone reacted badly to something that we said, we should "stop talking" and "apologize" ...

I remember thinking... "You're kidding me right? Why should I have to apologize for THEIR bad behavior or reaction? Hmmmph! Hell no..."

Until ... one day, I was having a "strong disagreement" with another person. They had misunderstood something I said and were reacting in a way which was far from being open to listening to what I was saying.

They continued being defensive and beligerent ... and I continued to try to express what I was trying to say and meeting with no results whatsoever.

I thought to myself, "When did this conversation start to go south?" I rewound about 3 minutes back and found that point where they stopped listening... I thought, "Oh, Okay... let me start over."

I went back to that part of the conversation and I said that I was sorry if "this part of the conversation" appeared to them as if I was saying x,y,z however that was not my intention. What I was saying was this... and I explained it at more length to them.

Well, whattaya know about that? They became more open to listening ... they stopped being defensive and the more questions I asked them, which were simple ones such as,

"Why would I do something like this (?) and what would give you any indication that I would ever do something like that?"

Apologizing doesn't mean you're going to back down from what you want or that you're "weak" and the other person is going to get over on you. The idea of it is to acknowledge the other person where they started to misunderstand what you've said and start over.

I used to think it was all about winning and/or losing. Someone had to win and someone had to lose. Or at least I was going to be heard.

This doesn't work out well in conversations though because no one wins when no one is listening.

In apologizing you're taking responsibility for maybe having worded something the wrong way, restating what you meant by that one misstatement and then moving forward past that point.

The goal is for both people to be "heard" not to keep beating each other up until you both throw up your hands in frustration, the conversation is circular, never has an ending and no one at all is understood and nothing is resolved.

It's about taking responsibility for ourselves in what we say and what we're doing.

I'm not saying we have to "own" another person's bad behavior at any time... I am saying that to start over, apologize for where the other person misunderstood what we've said is an excellent means by which to actually have both people be heard. Then you can come to an understanding... trust is built up, not broken down and you'll also find that future conversations will be better as well. Especially as you establish trust with the other person.

Maybe you're thinking, why the hell should YOU have to use these tactics? Why can't other people do it!

Honestly because most people are not the best communicators. If you want results, and you want to find a way to talk to others in a way the yeild mutuality in a conversation, it's an easy thing to do. Over time you'll find they are more open to other conversations as well. They will pick this up "from you" and as you go, the relationship becomes stronger as you learn how to communicate cleaner with one another.

There are those people who would assume that if you're apologizing that they're RIGHT about something. That's not really the goal. It's the farthest thing from the truth too. Both people have a point which needs to be heard and understood.

If you taking this step makes that happen, it's not a bad thing.

If anything it's showing more strength to go back and start over, from where things began to get hairy, and actually achieve what you want to.

Nobody wins when no one is heard.

Little food for thought today. :)