Emotional Reactions - Communication Skills

I had a woman call the office yesterday. She was trying to fax something that my boss apparently was "on her" about getting to us, so we could get the guy's insurance to authorize treatment.

So, she calls, asks if the fax is working properly... and this is how it went. This is not "exactly" what was said but it's pretty close.

Her: Is the fax working?
Me: Yes.
Her: Well I've been trying to fax this information your boss needed and it's not going through!
Me: Is your phone number blocked? I think our machine doesn't accept faxes from blocked phone numbers.
Her: Can't you fix that? He (my boss) was very insistent about getting these records to him "today".
Me: I'm not sure how to take that feature off.
Her: Well (Now she starts getting frustrated and loud at me.) If you want these records (not me mind you, my boss) I don't see why YOU can't FIX this issue so I can fax them!
Me: You know, in the same breath I could say, can you take the block off of your number so our machine can accept the fax. What I"m saying is, I don't know how to do that. I would, however I'm not able to.
Her: WELL ... can I mail them? (obviously frustrated now and getting more and more aggressive)
Me: Sure, I don't see why not, we'd have them by Monday I'm sure.
Her: (She seems to start to have some kind of anxiety attack at this point) Your boss was on the phone with me yesterday and he really needed these!
Me: I understand that, I will tell him there's an issue with the machine and let him know you'll mail them.
Her: I don't see why you can't just fix YOUR MACHINE!
(Holy crap)
Me: Listen, this is not between you and me, this is a technical issue that can't be helped, yelling at me isn't going to remedy the situation and this is not personal, there's no need to yell.
Her: Tell your boss that in the future I"m not going to go to these lengths and have this problem!
Me: I will not tell him that, if you have something you want to say to him, you can tell him yourself. That is between you and him, not you and me.
Her: Well leave him a message!
Me: I'll be happy to.

Then the call ended with us agreeing she would mail the records. Which were faxed later... either she fixed her machine or ... maybe it was busy or something. Whose to say?

Now... for saying so's sake, when my boss wants something he comes across pretty strongly. So I can understand her anxiety and poor reaction to not being able to do it.

HOWEVER folks... this is not for one person to take out on another... It's unacceptable behavior.

If you're working "with" someone who is getting more and more aggressive with you, there are boundaries to set with that person as I did above. By advising her that it wasn't personal, that it was a techinical issue that she and I didn't have to get into it over this issue. As she got more aggressive with me, I set and enforced the boundary that this was not personal and that it wasn't going to work if she was yelling at me.

How is this good communication? Well, you're stopping the fight before getting baited into it.

Meaning, you're not feeding into the drama or the false accusations of the other person who starts to lash out at YOU.

You're stopping it by advising them that it's not personal, it's not between you and them. In this case it was a technical issue that neither could remedy.

You're also stopping a miscommunication between YOU and your BOSS ... by relaying a nasty message when if the person has something they need to say TO THE OTHER PARTY that's on THEM to relay. Not you.

If I had relayed that message, he would have snapped at me (maybe...) and I would have had to deflect THAT ... because of relaying a message. I'm not up for that. If she had an issue with him, she could tell him herself. Very simple. I didn't need to be in the middle of that and I wasn't going to be put in the middle of that.

We can get easily roped into a situation due to OUR reaction to another individual.

What is important to remember, as YOUR emotional reactions start to take over ... is that when another party is anxious or starts lashing out at YOU for something that you're trying to help them with...

You have to set a boundary.
You have to reverse and stop them from placing the blame on YOU and advise them what their options ARE.
You have to remember that this is not personal and remind them of this as well.
You can also advise them that them yelling at you isn't going to help the situation. (Mind you, some won't handle this well either.)
You can also advise them if they have something to say to a third party, they can call back at a later time and speak to said person.


IF you have to relay a nasty message to someone and that someone gets angry... that's also not going to be "at you".

You can do the same thing with the person who hears the message.

I'm only relaying a message if you need to talk to this person, tell them. Don't tell me.

People tend to have others tell someone else certain things at times and to me that's poor communication.

If we have something to say... we need to remember a few things.

Don't kill the messenger.
When someone is trying to help you, it's not fair to take your anxiety out on them.
Don't attack the people you call and ask for help.
Working with someone is going to get you a lot farther than lashing out at them because MOST people will empathize with you and help if you treat them with respect.
Think about WHAT it is that's set you off and learn how to set boundaries with "the individual" who set you off in the first place.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you set a boundary with someone?

They'll get angry? Anger is a reaction... which can be side stepped with proper communication.

Now, there are those who just get angry at everything... in those times, call a spade a spade and work around them.

However, if you learn to hear when a conversation is not being flipped "ON YOU" because of the other person's issues. You'll have a much better chance of side stepping getting sucked into an argument or debate that really has nothing to do with you.

Try it... I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Maybe you'll feel some anxiety as you start doing this.
That's normal because you're exercising something new. It will pass as you get better at it.

After I got off the phone, I did need to vent a little bit... something like, "You're not sucking me into YOUR little drama today! So not going to yell at me over something that neither of us have any control over!" HMMPH!"

LOL :) My personal goal is to not have to vent at all... but emotions are tricky. When I had to set the boundary in the first place, it was because her behavior was unacceptable. That's a big no, no with me. Because I treat others with respect and I don't tolerate the opposite behavior from them.

I'm VERY communicative and helpful... so if a person isn't working with me, they're inevitably working against me. We can't work together if we've got some adverserial stance going. That's just ... what?

Stupid. :) No one wins, no one gets what they need done and then you're angry at some person over something that could easily have been remedied.

Why have that mess up your day? I say, don't have it mess up your day. Learn how to hear when a conversation is going south and how to bring it back to a place where you're both listening.

Sue T.