It's not how you are alike, It's how you are DIFFERENT

Sometimes we meet or know someone with same or similar issues as we have. On a deeper level of who we are... we point out to this person how we are alike in this area and maybe sometimes they agree.

You have your reasons, they have theirs but the outcome is the same ... you both have this issue that you contend with differently.

See... we want to identify and have something in common with another individual. A friend maybe, or a possible romantic love interest ... co-worker... etc., however ... just because you may have this "something" in common, does not mean that you are "alike".

It doesn't mean that the other person is a good fit for you, it doesn't mean that in this area that you can be supportive of one another in a way that is helpful for the two of you. It doesn't mean that you are so alike that being together is going to heal any old wounds that you both may have.

The thing to keep in mind, when you identify with someone in this way, is that it doesn't mean that they would enhance your life or be a good fit for you "just because" you have this personal issue in common.

It's how you differ, what you've chosen to do with your life, how you've worked at your own personal version of this "common" issue that makes all the difference.

You may have done quite a bit of work on yourself and worked this out. You hear same or similar things from another person, you make an assumption that they would understand you because of this similarity. They very well may understand you... it doesn't mean that they've done anything to move through whatever this particular issue is.

In this, comes BIG differences in your persons... You recognize it, you've changed... you've grown. They, on the other hand, are only telling the story ... and not really focusing on how this issue has affected them, nor are they making lasting changes by addressing it.

You'll find they play the same record over and over again, you'll hear the same things over and over again. Initially you may assume that because they say it, or agree with you that you are like minded.

This is not entirely true. There are people who admit to things and do not change and there are people who admit to things, absorb into "their own mind and life" that this is not serving them and make lasting change and attempts to work through it.

So... the reality becomes that... while you "are" alike in this old wound or similarity in experiences... It's how you are different that is the most important aspect of this common ground that you see.

The differences are great when one person is still commiserating and the other has moved past this issue.

Yet... initially, this common ground, this issue ... if you will that you two have in common ... does not make you compatable with them, it doesn't make you the expert on their life or how they can work things out.

It is still entirely up to that person to see their issue, to go and get the help they need, to work things out for themselves.

You can see how you differ over time. Over their actions and how they may talk about it, yet ... they talk the talk, but they're not walkin' the walk. Meaning they aren't "really", "really" doing something to make a lasting change ... like perhaps you have... in being healthier as an individual.

My suggestion when you see this common ground in the future is to not take this common thread and assume that they are "so much" like you that it would be a good fit.

Wait and see ... What you wouldn't want is to misread the other person's sharing as an indication that they've done the work on themselves and are changing or have become healthier. It reveals itself through their actions, or lack thereof.

Pay attention... wait and see.

Talk is cheap, action is priceless.