How To Make Change...Change is GOOD!

A small lesson in change.

Here’s my thought. I want you to recognize that you have the power to change anything in your life that you put your mind to. How? By being consciously aware that’s how.

I’d like to give you an exercise to do.

Take one thing that is normally in a set place and move it to another location. Like your tooth brush, the dish soap or your towels moved from one shelf to the other.

For a couple weeks or up to one month, leave that item in its new place. Initially you may remember where that item is, however due to being conditioned to look in a specific place you’re going to find that over time your subconscious mind will reach for that item in its "old" spot.

Why? Because you have been conditioned to do so. Based on habits and/or patterns of behavior that you have developed.

Over time you will see that, you will no longer reach in the old spot for the item but automatically go to the new one. However you will go back occassionally to the old spot, scratching your head and wondering where it went, until of course you remember.

What I’m saying here is that YOU can change ANY habit by being more consciously aware. You can change life patterns, bad habits, develop new habits … as long as you are consciously aware and make a "thinking" effort to do so.

We all know about the things in life that we do that are patterns of behaviors, we just may not be aware of how seriously they affect us in our every day lives.

So, what am I saying?

1. Define what it is that you want to change.

2. Make a conscious "thinking" effort to decide what you want to change.

3. Pay attention to yourself and the cycles that you have and stop yourself from continuing them.

How long does this take? As with anything new that is learned, it can be in an instant or it can take repetition. It depends on how bad you want it, how much effort you put into it and more importantly how aware you are of yourself and your actions.

I want to add here that you will find that just like with that item that you moved from one place to the other, once in a while your old habits will sneak back up on you and you will be pulled to go back to the old ways of thinking and doing.

Your best bet to over come these times is to remind yourself that you have a choice. Believe in what you want and what you want to do.

If it helps tell those who would be supportive of you what you are trying to change in your life to reinforce your determination.

I’ll be here. Write and let me know how it works out.


Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981
Confidence is Silent. It doesn’t defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
www.dsisuet.com

Econimic Crisis Affecting You?

Every where you look, everything you read and see, all talks about the economic state of things. I can't foresee the future in this arena, nor can I advise you how to manage your finances.

What I can do is support you when you feel overwhelmed. How many times have you been through a rough period in your life? How many times did you pull through that rough time?

The proof that you "can" pull through lies within the times you pulled through a situation that could have buried you emotionally, physically and financially. Your key word is COULD have buried you. But, it didn't did it? You made it through. Right?

One thing leads to the other ... if you're emotionally stressed out, you may lose interest in taking care of yourself because your focus is solely on what you don't have financially or what you are afraid you may lose.

Maybe you stop working out, or give into the feelings of helplessness that you may experience. And, make no mistake, we are all human and we all can feel helpless or overwhelmed from external factors.

If you draw on the times that you made it through... and you seek out new ways to manage what's currently going on in your life, you may find that, while it is scary to be confronted with all of these stressors, there is always something different that you can do.

If something you are currently doing, doesn't seem to be working... you can go online and you can type in the words, say ... financial help, budgeting resources, restructuring my budget, etc., and I guarantee you that you are going to find resources and suggestions as to how to restructure your budget and through that, since you are "doing" something and not just giving into your fears... you are going to start feeling more motivated, not as helpless ... not as out of control of your situation.

If you are doing SOMETHING towards restructuring, or refocusing yourself on the possibilities out there and educate yourself on what you can be doing vs. sitting there in fear and doing nothing... SOMETHING good is going to come out of it.

It may not come over night, it may not come a month from now, you may have to cut back a little bit, however if you just sit there and allow all of these emotions to cloud your mind, if you sit and don't LOOK for resources (The internet has a plethura of resources and what's more cost effective than free?) and ask what other people are doing, join an online network designed to provide you with new ideas, you're going to remain in the same position you currently in.

Which may be, stiffled by your own fears and the swirl of overwhelming emotions that come with it.

Aren't you allowed to feel this way? Of course... we are all human beings, we all feel, we all have thoughts and can become afraid or unsettled.

What you need to do is to talk things through with someone, vent, scream into a pillow, take a run, workout to alleviate all those negative feelings and open up room in your mind for new thoughts, new ideas, the desire to say, "HEY! I DON'T HAVE TO BUY INTO THIS MINDSET!"

If you fall, you get up. Right?

Life isn't exactly about a scraped knee, I agree with you. HOWEVER if you view it from the perspective of ... Okay, I fell and scraped my knee, it healed, and now I've learned to avoid that hole over there by going around it, then you've learned a valuable lesson. Haven't you?

So what about your current situation? What things would you be able to do, even if only slightly differently, that would change your current situation?

The other thing that comes to mind for me is for people to NOT worry about what the other guy thinks. Meaning, stop worrying about the Jones', stop assuming that because you're struggling right now, it's something to be ashamed of. IT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF ... Everyone needs a little help and/or guidance at times. Myself included, I'm not different than you or anyone else.

And, yes... I can tell you from experience that when things have gotten bad for me in this arena, I start seeking out solutions. I talk about it, I vent, I see what others around me are doing... I want to know, how to change my current situation to make it better.

What about you? What are some of the things that you focus on to keep up a good perspective on your present situation? I would love to hear from you.

See you soon!

Integrity ...

"To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time."
– Katharine Hepburn

Men/Women on Assertiveness vs. Confrontation

Based on each individuals life experience, anyone, male or female can have experience high levels of anxiety addressing things with someone. Male or female.

I've seen it more times then I've got fingers n' toes.

Based on your very first experiences and up through the present time there are patterns of behavior that we carry with us. Which are "learned".

This means that it can be "UNlearned" and you can become more assertive and address things as they come up, or as soon as you recognize what it is that may bother you.

Never think for a moment that you can't over come it. Do know that you may not over come it over night.

Assertiveness seems to have a bad name. Women who are assertive are called bitches, men who are assertive are called arrogant.

Right? I've seen and heard this "a lot" over time and throughout alot of my experiences.

Here's the thing. Some women who are assertive "are" bitches, because they believe they have to be an impenitrable wall in order to get their point across and to be heard. There's no room for discussion with them, and they may resemble a mountain that is neither empathetical OR moveable.

This is not true.

Men come across as arrogant because they're using their perceived "power" to intimidate or be, again... the mountain. His word is law, there is no deviation from this conversation and thereafter the conversation is soon terminated because there's simply nothing to discuss.

Neither one of these ways, while they "WORK" mind you, are the best way to be assertive. No matter if you are a male or a female. Because it makes people afraid to approach them, people lie to them or withhold information from them for fear of the backlash and the consequences of going up against such an "assertive" individual.

Matter of fact, these bad behaviors, are often times applauded by those who may be a little bit thin skinned. I mean, why not? We can get so'n'so to go after that person, because "I" don't know how to do it myself and then "I" won't look like the bad guy.

How convenient.

Assertiveness can be done with being clear on what it is we want, and then expressing it in a manner that's goign to help the other individual hear us.

To attack a person when we're "angry" is bad. It makes them defensive (the other person) and no one is going to get any where.

To come across as unyeilding and that there's no other way but ours is part of being self protecting.

When we express something to another we don't have to be nasty, loud, self protecting, arrogant or unyeilding.

We "can" express what we need to say and resolve things w/o having an argument.

Of course, it depends on "who" we're talking to as well. Sometimes "nice" and with feeling may not cut it. Depends on who we're talking too.

I'll use being at the doctors office for my ear as an example with the medicine.

I advised that I'd read up on the medication and I had some concerns, specially since I was having a root canal and it affects your immune system. I asked what he thought would be the best thing to do because I was afraid to take it based on what it is and the oral surgery.

I also advised him that I wasn't negating his expertise however I did have some concerns based on the type of medicine that it is.

I didn't go in there both barrels blazing and say, "you're an idiot for not asking me if I was on any other medications or if I was having dental work done like your supposed to!" :) That wouldn't have worked.

And we had a nice conversation.

If I'd gone in there defensive and accusing, the conversation would have gone south pretty quickly.

So it's, what do I want for myself, for others and for the relationship? (these questions are directly out of my communication book)

I wanted to be heard and acknowledged for my fears and concerns with regard to this medication.

I did not want the doctor to feel that I was being uncooperative or negating his expertise which would have made him defensive (IMHO).

And I wanted to keep the lines of communication "open" so that he'd respect what I had to say in the future as well.

Also, I'd had the same conversation with the fella who did the hearing test on Tuesday. He seemed to shift and become slightly defensive in tone of voice and mannerisms, and I'd told him as well... that I wasn't saying I was questioning the doctors expertise however I "did" have some concerns about the treatment.

He shifted gears instantly.

We can't predict how another person can react to what we're going to say, however we can stop and start over when we see them reacting badly or getting defensive. We have all the control in the world over that.

This is only one small example.

Assertiveness and saying what we need to say, when we need to say it, and how we word things can all be done very differently. We don't have to come through like a bull in a china shop, or be so unyeilding that we shut off any and all communications with others. Because we're not going to get any where for you or the other person.

It doens't mean you're a push over either. It takes more personal strength "not" to react to another individuals behaviors or poor communication skills and reactions than it does to be sucked into an argument which was never our intent in the first place.

Granted there are those people who you may not get any where with that happens, and no matter what you try... you'd be talking to a wall. After a while you'll recognize the difference :)

Mind you! As always, these things usually do not work in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.