Men/Women on Assertiveness vs. Confrontation

Based on each individuals life experience, anyone, male or female can have experience high levels of anxiety addressing things with someone. Male or female.

I've seen it more times then I've got fingers n' toes.

Based on your very first experiences and up through the present time there are patterns of behavior that we carry with us. Which are "learned".

This means that it can be "UNlearned" and you can become more assertive and address things as they come up, or as soon as you recognize what it is that may bother you.

Never think for a moment that you can't over come it. Do know that you may not over come it over night.

Assertiveness seems to have a bad name. Women who are assertive are called bitches, men who are assertive are called arrogant.

Right? I've seen and heard this "a lot" over time and throughout alot of my experiences.

Here's the thing. Some women who are assertive "are" bitches, because they believe they have to be an impenitrable wall in order to get their point across and to be heard. There's no room for discussion with them, and they may resemble a mountain that is neither empathetical OR moveable.

This is not true.

Men come across as arrogant because they're using their perceived "power" to intimidate or be, again... the mountain. His word is law, there is no deviation from this conversation and thereafter the conversation is soon terminated because there's simply nothing to discuss.

Neither one of these ways, while they "WORK" mind you, are the best way to be assertive. No matter if you are a male or a female. Because it makes people afraid to approach them, people lie to them or withhold information from them for fear of the backlash and the consequences of going up against such an "assertive" individual.

Matter of fact, these bad behaviors, are often times applauded by those who may be a little bit thin skinned. I mean, why not? We can get so'n'so to go after that person, because "I" don't know how to do it myself and then "I" won't look like the bad guy.

How convenient.

Assertiveness can be done with being clear on what it is we want, and then expressing it in a manner that's goign to help the other individual hear us.

To attack a person when we're "angry" is bad. It makes them defensive (the other person) and no one is going to get any where.

To come across as unyeilding and that there's no other way but ours is part of being self protecting.

When we express something to another we don't have to be nasty, loud, self protecting, arrogant or unyeilding.

We "can" express what we need to say and resolve things w/o having an argument.

Of course, it depends on "who" we're talking to as well. Sometimes "nice" and with feeling may not cut it. Depends on who we're talking too.

I'll use being at the doctors office for my ear as an example with the medicine.

I advised that I'd read up on the medication and I had some concerns, specially since I was having a root canal and it affects your immune system. I asked what he thought would be the best thing to do because I was afraid to take it based on what it is and the oral surgery.

I also advised him that I wasn't negating his expertise however I did have some concerns based on the type of medicine that it is.

I didn't go in there both barrels blazing and say, "you're an idiot for not asking me if I was on any other medications or if I was having dental work done like your supposed to!" :) That wouldn't have worked.

And we had a nice conversation.

If I'd gone in there defensive and accusing, the conversation would have gone south pretty quickly.

So it's, what do I want for myself, for others and for the relationship? (these questions are directly out of my communication book)

I wanted to be heard and acknowledged for my fears and concerns with regard to this medication.

I did not want the doctor to feel that I was being uncooperative or negating his expertise which would have made him defensive (IMHO).

And I wanted to keep the lines of communication "open" so that he'd respect what I had to say in the future as well.

Also, I'd had the same conversation with the fella who did the hearing test on Tuesday. He seemed to shift and become slightly defensive in tone of voice and mannerisms, and I'd told him as well... that I wasn't saying I was questioning the doctors expertise however I "did" have some concerns about the treatment.

He shifted gears instantly.

We can't predict how another person can react to what we're going to say, however we can stop and start over when we see them reacting badly or getting defensive. We have all the control in the world over that.

This is only one small example.

Assertiveness and saying what we need to say, when we need to say it, and how we word things can all be done very differently. We don't have to come through like a bull in a china shop, or be so unyeilding that we shut off any and all communications with others. Because we're not going to get any where for you or the other person.

It doens't mean you're a push over either. It takes more personal strength "not" to react to another individuals behaviors or poor communication skills and reactions than it does to be sucked into an argument which was never our intent in the first place.

Granted there are those people who you may not get any where with that happens, and no matter what you try... you'd be talking to a wall. After a while you'll recognize the difference :)

Mind you! As always, these things usually do not work in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.