After the relationship is over ...

How is it that people in a relationship, know what the problems are in their relationships, but ... they still resist doing what their partner is requesting (providing it's a nice healthy relationship based on mutuality, compromise etc., and not an abusive relationship, again! gotta put this in here!) "even though" they know if they make an adjustment, that things could inevitably get better.

Then, after the couple breaks up, the other person, almost always and I've seen this happen... Makes those changes in their next relationship, for the better! AGH!

Gack! What is THAT all about?

This phenomenon never ceased to amaze me. Because I've had ex's who've done almost "exactly" what I'd said I had a problem with in their next relationship. Can ya just "stand it!"

I have a theory. Our closest relationships growning up was a parent. That, is a type of intimate relationship. Right?

Sure it is.

So, we take those "blocks" if you will, or old patterns of relating to someone "with us" (as you know or may not know) into our personal relationships.

Right?

Sure.

We resist anyone "telling" us what to do, because we're not children anymore, yet the thing that we're missing when we "ask" for something is to "ask" and be clear on what we need.

And the thing is, we need to let our significant other know this as well. "To ask" not "TELL" is really important, to "suggest" not "demand" is very important...

I mean, you are an adult now, yes?

Sure. :)

So you have the ability to design how your relationships, as an adult are. You have the ability to decide what you want in your relationships and then to work towards that goal of a happier healthier relationship.

And this goes both ways too... for saying so's sake.

Something, that to me, goes neck'n'neck with this, is how we can run into an ex ... right? And sit down and go through memory lane with them, and little by little, time permitting ... talk out everything that bothered us "at that time" ... and walk away with that feeling or sense of closure.

Right?

Sure.

But, see... now here's the thing.

We're so busy "fighting" in the relationship to be "heard" that we barracade ourselves from being hurt by our partner, by not truly listening to what they're saying, NOR being clear on what WE ourselves wanted in the first place!

So since we're busy not wanting to get hurt, when the emotional end of things wear off and fear isn't as prevalent, it's "then" that we feel safe to discuss these things.

AFTER the break up.

Now, :) I've done this myself so, I can say that this is ass backwards folks.

So the thing is,

Being clear on what we'd like and need.

Being able to express it to our partner.

Realizing that our partner "is not our parent" and someone to fight to be an individual with, but to grow with and to learn to share. You are not your parents, nor do you have to fight with your partner to prove it, :)

Give yourself time to cool off and reflect what it is that you'd like to express to your partner. Then make time to talk about it after you've become clear on what it is that bothered you.

Learn to ask, suggest, and be open to not only YOUR concerns and fears but theirs as well.

Learn how to listen. :) Because that's just as important.

Learn how to make it safe for the two of you to open up to one another, by listening first (sometimes we have to do that FIRST before being heard).

Learn how to say, I'm sorry.

Identify and pay attention to YOUR patterns of relating to someone so that you can change. Yesssssssss, you do have to change as well.

Why would you toss a perfectly good relationship, by being stubborn?

Hmmmm? Why wait till it's over to do the things that will enhance your relationship?

Now, I'm not talking about things you're dead set against, or that you may find goes against everything you believe in, and everyone's relationship is different, but can you just imagine how many relationships go right down the sh*tter just because people are stubborn?

Because they wait until years after they've broken up for closure and to truly express how they felt at the time? As opposed to expressing it at the time?

And no blame games please.

Think about what you want. Be clear. Don't send mixed messages to your partner. THAT isn't going to help anybody.

I also know that when you're starting a relationship you need to pay attention to what kind of person you're dealing with.

Instead of falling prey to that "attraction" in the beginning. Attraction is always going to be there ... but "who" that person is, taking the time to see if you are interested in them as a person (which by the way, makes sex better) is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.