Massive Confusion Created in Abusive relationships/After the break up.

A women in another network I've been playing in posted about how she, oh here:

I was in a very serious relationship for 5 years, and I'm now realizing how unhealthy it was, though friends and family have been telling me forever.
I was a strong woman, but i became very weak, i was trapped in the mentality that "every thing was my fault", "if i had just kept my mouth shut we wouldnt be fighting" i bent over backwards and did things that i'm ashmed of just to gain attention and affection from him, i really do love him but he never really gave me what i needed.
we've broken up and got back together so many times its pathetic, i know i need to move on for my own good, but i dont know how, i know at this point if he asked to have me back i would say yes with out thinking, i still dream of marrying him, but i know it would be the same 4 month fighting cycle that we've had for the past 3 years,
i dont know what to do or how to get over him, i dont want to be like this but i feel so stuck, if it wernt for a few friends and my aunt i'd drink myself in to oblivion.
please help me, i just dont kno what to do.

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I said:

If I may, would you tell me what you love about this man?

What are his good qualities?

Before you met him, you were probably okay... over the time you spent with him, this "type" of man manipulates and tears down the women that they are with.

How can you love, someone who never gives you what you need? It's an interesting shift in thought.

Often times women in these situations, and you are not alone in this, find themselves addicted to the cycles of acceptance and rejection. And the good an bad behavior shifts of He loves me, he loves me not.

Hi Dr. Love \:\) ... Rev Love has given you excellent advise to sift through and see what you need to do "for yourself".

Being with a man like this is "massively" confusing. Because they can be "so good" at times. Seem so wonderful ... but they're not. They have their work to do on themselves, and you on yourself. It is not your responsibility to be there and fix them, it is however your responsibility to take charge of yourself and your life and start chosing what you want and who you want in it.

Sometimes it takes a while before we make these changes. Do try not to beat yourself up about this. You didn't know... now you do, and that's your first steps towards creating a healthier YOU and healthier relationships in the future.

Sometimes, once we are used to that cycle which also creates adreneline, when it's gone we can feel quite bored, because the adreneline is gone. Since it was cyclical to recognize this boredom due to lack of stress is very important. It doesn't mean that you really miss him. It means that you grew accustomed emotionally/mentally to this cycle an that it will take a while to adjust to living your life w/o this stress.

Something that worked for me was to have an anonymous blog and to just let out all my frustrations, no matter how irrational they seemed. And every time an ex of mine years ago would pop into my head, I'd say OUT LOUD NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! and I'd purposely start thinking about something else.

Depends on how long you were apart as well and if you are still seeing him from time to time as well.

You can get over this. And you can have a happier healthier relationship and get back to who you really are. A strong woman \:\)

It wasn't your fault. You did ignore some things perhaps that were obvious but ... the things we do for love \:\) ... it happens. It's okay ...

You can do this! I know you can...
_________________________

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Sue T.