Youth Doesn't Have to be Wasted on the Young

Is Youth Wasted on the Young?
I have a young man, who lives a few towns away from me, oddly enough, that I met on my Xanga site blog. He's basically a good kid, heading in the wrong direction. So today, I wrote what I am going to paste here below ... Remember when you were young and confused? Or did you know who you were back then?

Heck do you know who you are today? And do you feel free to be that person? What's my point?

You have choices, you have choices every day no matter what age you are, no matter who you live with, deal with, etc., YOU have choices.

So without further commercial interuption, I'll share a little more about myself here for you as I have for this young fella over there.

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This entry is for my buddy Chris here on Xanga. You know who you are :)

Little man (and I mean that in a good way because your young and still have time to do better things with your life and you're on your way to being a big man so... you know... )

I know we all want to fit in "some where" in life. When I go to your site, it makes me sad. You listen to music that over time pulls your heart out and maybe you are that sad ... you don't have to be. I like Nickleback and whose that group? Corn? LOL I don't remember but I like that kind of music to, I'll work out to it sometimes because it pumps me up. That and Hip Hop music, s'cool! :)

If you ever want to talk and you feel stuck between your parents, you can come here and write to me. That'll be fine and I'll do my best. Don't forget though, If I don't respond right away, it means I didn't get the notice yet ok? Ok.

I'm not sure how old you are, I'm guessing 16? Hey which principal died? Mr. Bloom? Was that who? He was my principal if that's who you're talking about. You go to Hackensack High School? :) I graduated from there in 1984 ... Man that was a long time ago. And I tell you something else, all the problems I had that to me, much like you now, were so real and so painful? They're all gone.

I'll tell you a story of my own, so you know I understand some of what you're going through ok? It's a little different than yours but you'll see what I mean, you're smart.

When I was 12 my mom was killed in a car crash; after that we didn't see people much anymore. My brother and sister who were always in trouble moved out, they were alot older than me and I was left basically to deal with all those emotions on my own. My Dad did the best he could but he started dating and I was left alone even more. I had friends, like you, to talk to but what did we know back then, we just knew we were hurting but nobody told us what to do about it.

I wasn't "allowed" to date until I was about 16 1/2 or 17 I forget exactly. But there was this one boy, Eddie who I had a big crush on. We used to hang out and he'd drive me home and drop me off a block from my house so I wouldn't get into trouble. Well, we broke up cuz I wasn't allowed to date and he wanted to see me more than I was able. Man I was soooo hurt! What's this got to do with you? The first week, my Dad had alot of whiskey and liquor in the closet in the living room. So that first day, I had a few shots and I had a nice buzz all day long. Forgot about all my problems. It wore off before he got home so that was cool right? Next day, same thing. I thought, this was cool! I don't have to feel bad! I can just feel numb. Well I did this all week. Then Saturday came. And man was I hurtin ... emotionally, I was depressed and sad and everything, see nobody told me it was ok to be so upset and I didn't really have anyone to talk to because I wasn't supposed to be seeing anyone in the first place. That was rough.

So Saturday came, and I'm thinkin, how am I going to drink today? I don't wanna feel like this! (all the hurt I was feeling, you know what I'm sayin...) and out of no where my mind said, you want to drink because some "boy" upset you? That's not a good enough reason.

I realized I felt "worse" after I came down than I did if I just cried. Yah maybe you think boys don't cry but you're human just like me and boys do cry. So that was the end of me doing that, sure I partied with my friends that's what some kids do.

What am I saying? Have you figured it out yet? You have a choice Chris, you can hang with the pot heads and kids who drink, or you can get involved in something else at school. A sport, I was in Chorus but LOL I don't think you'll go for that :) There are all kinds of things you can be doing.

I know you want to fit in, and have a place to go and you know what? Everybody's always going to have something to say about what you're doin, and where you're going, BUT you decide what's best for yourself. After high school is over, you'll lose touch with alot of people. It just happens that way.

What I want to know is "who" you are going to be when that happens. Hell, even grown-ups are still trying to figure that one out. You know what? You're lucky, you can start NOW! I wish when I was your age that I had someone who I could talk to about how I felt. It just didn't exist. You can change anything you want to. First you have to change yourself.

That doesn't make much sense does it? What do you think it means?

So I'm telling you some of my story, to let you know that I understand how you feel. If you look at what I'm doing today, I made better choices... and here I am.

What do want Chris? Tell me and I'll talk to you about it ok? :)

Now, for those of you who read this, I expect you to respect what he's going through and to be supportive. We ALL have life stories and we can either continue making bad choices and walking around not knowing it, or we can come to a point in our lives where we know we can make our life better.

So, what about you? What are you going to do?

XO Sue T.

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Sue T.
Life & Relationship Coach
Confidence is Silent. It need not defend itself.
It simply exists inside you.

How we perceive others and their behavior does make a difference.

So what do you do when something someone else does rubs you the wrong way? Do you talk about it to get it off your chest and then to get a better understanding of it, or in some cases do you recognize that everyone simply is not like you and let it roll off? That is providing it isn't affecting you directly. In other words, interfering directly with you or your goals and/or life.

On one level I believe it is about our perceptions and how they affect us. Whether or not we would do things a certain way and have it be something to discuss with others. To see what others points of views are is and can be important in the sense where if something bothers us on a level that has us talking about it then perhaps it is something that bothers us because it is simply not our style.

I've met people in the field of law who were clients who I had a perception about the way they did things as well and I've found that while they were going about their life, doing whatever it was that they were doing I was feeling drained from just being around them. Particularly divorce matters.

However it affected me, was my problem, it was something that I either strongly disagreed with or it rubbed me the wrong way.


If something another individual does prompts us to discuss it, it's usually an indication that we either need to learn more about what is going on because it has touched us the wrong way. These perceptions are all about you the individual.

We all have different perceptions of how we would present ourselves to others, how we would handle certain life issues and certainly how we would respond to different situations.

What's this all about anyway? It's about how you the individual perceive any given individual wihch prompts you to talk about it or that strikes a nerve. It can be used as an opportunity to grow as an individual, learn new things or ways to do things, or recognize that we have some hidden emotion or insecurity in regard to what we are seeing.

The idea is to learn more about how to accept one another and our differences with out feeling the need to judge. We all have things that we do which others may not agree with and the same goes for what others do as well.

Whenever something strikes a nerve for you, there is always more under the surface of any given topic if it bothers us. It happens. How we react to it makes a difference.

So how would we handle some thing like this?

1. Ask yourself why you don't like it.

2. Think about what this persons behavior has to do with you on a personal level. It could be something "as simple" as you would never do that. So really just let it go.

3. What is it about that person "honestly" that annoys you?

4. Is it something that you feel, as an individual you are lacking or would like to improve in yourself? Perhaps you feel self conscious because they're doing it and you are not.

When you ask yourself these questions or talk to some one about it? Be honest with yourself and them. You may find that you still do not like what you've seen however it may be alot easier next time to reduce the effect someone elses behavior has on you.

And the ultimate place to be? Is to see something, recognize it's just not for you and let it roll off.


Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach

Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.

http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html

Repeating the same mistake in life over and over again.

They say that we experience the same things over and over again until we learn the lesson from that experience that we are supposed to learn.

Depending on what it is, for myself I would review each time it happened and how I contributed to the situation from my inner self.

In other words, what is it about you or the situation that is the same or similar each time?

Who are the people involved? How can I change how I react to that person, or how can I discuss with this individual how it makes me feel?

I'll give you my own personal example. A few years back I was dating this fella who wasn't very emotionally available. I always felt that I had to be the one teaching him what caring meant. This wasn't the first time I had attracted such a guy either. I didn't realize until I went back into my own history and saw a pattern.

Was it every time I dated someone I was met with these results? No, it wasn't however there was a pattern that I saw.

So it was time to look inside myself to see how I added to this mix. I mean wasn't I nice? Loving? Giving etc.,?

Sure but it wasn't in a manner that got me what I was looking for and the reason for that was that I was afraid myself to open up to them. It was much safer for myself, due to various life experiences to remain focused on "them" and their issues than to focus on my own fears.

So what do you do in this case? You realize that you are part of the problem. And you realize that giving too much also contributes to the situation in that you are not expressing what your own needs within the relationship are. Perhaps you think that in giving you'll receive, however this is untrue. There must be a balance. Otherwise the other individual in that relationship is going to grow to expect their needs to come before your own and eventually things will fall apart.

Men and women go into relationships with certain expectations. They are not verbal expectations however they exist in each individuals mind. You have to figure out what these expectations are in your mind with regard to a partner and be aware of what your own needs are.

Also, I had never asked myself "exactly" what I was looking for either!

I went by attraction first. Not a bad thing, however, that wears off as the person reveals who they really are ... After that relationship I took a few years off. And now I am much more selective. I haven't found who I am looking for just yet but I've found out quite a bit about myself and I continue to do so every day.

It depends on the topic, it depends on our own needs and expectations and it depends on how we communicate ourselves to others.

My suggestion, as I've said is to look over your history and then write yourself a letter as to how you want things to be. And be specific. Focus on the positive aspects of this letter and focus then as well, on the things you see that may cause you some anxiety so you know the area's where you'll experience resistance.

Work on those areas and focus on the positive.

:) Hope this helps :)

If you experience any trouble doing this, I offer two initial consultations at 45 minutes each. Feel free to take me up on them!

Also there are many books on this topic I'm sure you would find helpful as well.

Good luck!
Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach

Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.

http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DreamScapeInt

Check out my new Forum !! Post, Ask Questions, Join in ! http://forums.delphiforums.com/DreamScapeInter

Reaching out of emotion

Have you ever shared an emotion with some one? Sure we all have right?

But have you shared an emotion with some one when you were feeling down and vulnerable and then when they come back to you with soft suggestions and thoughts to help you through.

You minimize your own emotions and say something like "oh it's not so bad" .. or "this will pass"?

I think we do it all the time. I think people assume that if they are vulnerable to another person that they may be perceived as weak.

Is this true? Is the world so wrapped up on protecting itself that common normal emotions, like pain, abandonment, fears, anxieties or a thought that comes springing up from seemingly no where can be expressed and then quickly hidden away in the deep recesses of our minds?

Why is that?

I have a saying. I've used it often in my own life. It's simple and I'm sure you all may have heard it before ... "Don't mistake kindness for weakness"....

Doesn't that apply to everybody? I mean, when we hurt or we share something with another human being, who will listen and help us to feel better. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, that's when the real growth within ourselves starts.

How?

Because we're being honest about what we feel on the inside. And when we're honest with someone else, it helps us to be more honest with ourselves ... I mean this is what living is all about isn't it?

Having some one to talk to? A friend, colleage, (a coach :) ) , or even sometimes a perfect stranger. After all a well chosen perfect stranger can often times offer up the best advise ever. Want to know why?

Because they have YOU standing in front of them, as a clean slate. They know nothing of your mistakes in life, who you were, what you've accomplished or not accomplished for that matter.

All they see is YOU ...

What I'm saying, before I turn in today, is that in those weakest moments ... where we want to turn the world off and just let go of all the bad things we've been through or our fears of what may or may not come, THAT is when we have the greatest opportunity in life to grow ... because that's the time to examine why we feel in such a way.

It may hurt some. True.

But I'll tell you this. It will hurt much more to hide not only from opening up to others, but from yourself as well.

So who do you talk to? You can talk to a trusted friend; you can talk to me! :) I just had to put that in here. You can join a support group depending on the topic of what it is you'd like to share ... People have many outlets in life to share with others how they truly feel.

Initially you may experience some anxiety because you may feel that some one may not listen to you or maybe you wont' be accepted. I know how you feel. Believe me, when I first got into this profession I had and still do have so many good ideas and I was anxious to express them.

How did I get past it? Practice. By degrees I began opening up to expressing things in groups or on teleclasses, during phone calls and through select friends.

And little by little the feeling of anxiety passed and it was replaced with a sense of confidence.

Who not to talk to? Anyone who would minimize knowingly or unknowingly how you feel ... Who are they? You'll know ... because you won't feel heard or understood.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981
Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DreamScapeInt

Check out my new Forum !! Post, Ask Questions, Join in !

http://forums.delphiforums.com/DreamScapeInter