Emotion vs. Communication

How do you deal with a emotions?

Sometimes in life we are hit with a problem or situation that strikes a nerve. Usually it's from an external source and we are put into a position to deal with it. However there are plenty of times when we are hit with something and we don't deal with it right away. Resentment sets in, which then turns to anger and in the worst case scenario can turn into depression over time. There are even times where we may even begin to feel as though we have the right to retaliate instead of talking it through until we reach a level where we can be heard, resolve the situation in a manner where both parties are understood and prevent further misunderstandings in the future.

See if you recognize some of these behaviors below. Does it sound familiar? Have you seen someone else doing this? I’m sure you have.

1. Rant and Rave: The person believes that they have been treated poorly. They play the victim and plan revenge or become overcome with irrational thoughts and stories based on their perceptions of the situation at hand.

2. Psycho-analyzing: They think about the situation over and over again in an effort to come up with a logical explanation as to why the person did what they did to them, either real or perceived and make the other person wrong and drag them through the mud in their minds.

3. Chaotic: Combine numbers one and two and you have a chain reaction which triggers other events from the past and ads fuel to the current situation which inevitably make the situation more serious than it could be if they were to have handled it at the time it occurred.

There are a million reasons why we do these things. Two things I would like to make you more aware of are:

1. Emotional awareness: If you are hit with a slew of emotions in an instant, how can you decipher how you really feel and why you are so angry if you don't take a step back and re-evaluate the situation? Stop and ask yourself what emotions you are feeling. It could be a variety of emotions. Betrayal, fear, anger, embarrassment, wrongly accused etc.

Lets say someone behaves in a manner that you would think that they are angry at you. Say they walk away from you or make a gesture that you assume is directed at you. After all they "are" talking to you aren't they? What do you do? So you may experience anger or fear in this situation, I'm not you so I can't say. I am making a generalization for example purposes.

Stop as you feel the emotions coming up and address the behaviors that made you feel that way. You can say something like, when you threw your hands up in the air and walked away from me, it felt like you were very angry at me and it made me uncomfortable, what happened? Be willing and open to listening to the response. In order to get to the bottom of what just happened you have to be willing to listen "and" be open to the other persons thoughts and feelings as well. Sometimes this means that you may have to take a step back and wait your turn.

2. Communication: So what happens if you get a response that triggers even more frustration and emotion for you? You need to communicate this to the other person. Sometimes the best thing to do is to ask them to clarity what they mean.

You can paraphrase what the person said. "Stop" yourself from responding defensively by clarifying what was just said to you. This enables you to be more clear on what you heard.

Paraphrasing is highly effective because it stops us from reacting "due to a gut reaction" to something that was said or done, which made us feel uncomfortable. It further gives the other person an opportunity to rephrase themselves in order to be understood better. Thus you now have a clear understanding of what they really meant to say. This tool by itself can diffuse many situations right from the start.

Be mindful not to interrupt the individual speaking until they are finished. That will only breed more frustration on both of your parts and no one will feel understood. Learn to listen better so you can more easily identify what you need to clarify for yourself and the other person as well.

If you are caught off guard and catch yourself in steps one through three above where you are on an emotional roller coaster ride, I would suggest trying the following suggestions.

1. Be aware that you need to vent at times to gain clarity and insight into the situation. Journal, talk to a trusted friend or coach. Do something to take your mind off of it. In switching your thoughts it will help stop the buildup of emotions and stories you are now telling yourself about what the other person meant or didn't mean. It will give you the opportunity to calm down yourself by taking your mind off of the situation for a while.

2. If you are finding yourself stuck with a situation or problem do something that might shed some light on the situation, either by focusing on a solution to make it better, or how you would like to address the situation the next time you see the individual. To focus on the negative emotions is counter productive and will only serve to build more resentment and anger. What you don't want to do is to get so caught up in your own emotions that you become paralyzed by them.

3. The next time you see the person you should be sufficiently calmed down enough to use the techniques suggested to address this person without hostility and come to a resolution.

There are many times that people will say things that to us appear to be condescending, insensitive or that simply trigger something in us from a past event. At times we think we are doing the right thing in choosing to just "let it go". In some situations this may work, however if it is something that strikes a nerve, it's best to address it as quickly as possible. The reason being, is if we allow something to fester under the surface it will escalate in our minds causing resentment. In the future, we could blow up over something small because we never addressed the first situation.

Whereas if you have a talk with the individual it could be resolved much easier.
Most people are uncomfortable dealing with what they perceive to be a confrontation. The thought that every conversation we have is going to turn into an argument is a fallacy. Communication is about both parties being heard and coming to a resolution and mutual respect for one another. Over time it will become easier for you to identify the emotions that come up for you in any situation and these conversations will not seem so threatening to you.

Remember, practice makes perfect.

Motivational Quote

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.


Q & A Center

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Sue Tosto
Life and Relationship Coach
(413) 793-7981

Confidence is Silent. It doesn't defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.
http://www.freewebs.com/dreamscape/index.html