Little Lesson in Self Confidence.

This New Years eve I went to a friends house to bring in the New Year, like I have for the past 4 years. It started out nicely enough. Friendly banter, updates from those I haven't seen in a while, nice assortment of wines and good food.

Upon my arrival, I ran into my friends, friend who we'll call Angel. Angel is a recovering alcoholic who believes she is allowed to drink on rare occassions to let off steam or enjoy a party or outing. This is not true, but she has this belief. So Angel was drinking and being pleasant and friendly to everyone. All was going along smoothly. I'd like to describe Angel for you.

Angel makes $350,000.00 a year; wears designer fashions; has a high pressure job in New York City that she worked very hard to get; a handsome husband who is 8 years younger than her; a beautiful home and an amazing Mercedes convertible. She was talking about purchasing a pair of Coach boots on e-bay (Angel is a smart shopper, loves a bargain, but does treat herself to what she wants.) for $368.00 vs. the $500.00 she would have paid in the stores. I thought, good for her she's got it like that. Angel dresses to a point of perfection and always has the latest styles in her closet. Sounds like a wonderful life doesn't it? One would think so looking in from the outside.

As the alcohol continued flowing, Angel's demeanor began to change from party fun to biting and challenging. The person she chose to challenge, was me. Initially, I didn't think anything of it, because as long as you don't react defensively to peoples attack, and place the responsibility of their words/actions back on them, usually they run out of steam. Unfortunately, this was not Angels way. She continued to ridicule my life; my income; what I do in coaching; who I am as a person and at one point had this bizarre idea that I was a prostitute on the side to make quick money.

Lets take a look at the situation. Angry nasty drunk verbally attacking another persons lifestyle and who they are as an individual in each and every way possible.

As the recipient of this attack I have to be honest, there were at least two times where I actually envisioned myself slamming this woman into the refrigerator or the floor and pounding her beyond recognition. Not only was I fighting becoming defensive but now I was becoming angry and hurt as well. Rightfully so in my view of the situation. There was even a point at the end when she began to give up in her little attack where I was shaking so badly on the inside that I thought I'd cry. It was a lot of work to maintain my cool demeanor and not over react. I want to add here that crying is not a weakness, it means you're hurt and angry and happens in moments such as this.

So what is a woman to do when confronted with a situation such as this? I couldn't get away, she followed me around like a puppy. I couldn't really throw her into the fridge now could I? No, highly inappropriate and a huge lack of control on my part. Plus my daughter was playing in the other room and as a parent I have to be a good example in spite of the manner in which I was being antagonized.

So what is a girl to do when confronted by a person who is dead set on ripping you to shreds and for reasons unbeknownst to you. I'll number them, we'll exclude the emotions here which came up, however should not be ignored because not only are you fighting emotions and responding in kind but you are fighting any and all triggers or sore spots this person may be hitting. Which inevitably makes it more difficult.

So whats a girl to do?

1. When it's a judgmental statement/accusation.
Q: Does this person know me well enough to say this?
Q: Is this true?

A: I reminded Angel that she did not know me well enough to make any judgments of me or my life and that I didn't appreciate her making such assumptions about me. I further asked her if what she was saying is true. She reminded me how much money she makes, I told her that was fabulous, however what did that have to do with me. One key thing to learn is to put the responsibility back on the individual delivering the blows to your ego and life style. Mind you, when you are defensive, hurt and angry, this is by far one of the most difficult things to do. However it can be done. Further, the things she was saying about me were not true. Not even close to my life, my values, the place of integrity that I come from and try to stick to even through out a situation such as this. This is where my self confidence "had" to kick in or I was doomed to behave in kind. Not where I wanted to go, I assure you. It would only have minimized me and who I am as a person.


The above is only a small part of the steps to take in this situation. At this point some of you may be calling her a few choice names and perhaps becoming a little defensive yourself. I can't say that I blame you ... however, after I was finished venting (which was a necessary step in coming back to my own center) I realized I also did something else that night.

The angrier I became, the more I knew how hard it would be to control the over whelming urge to just slap the silly out of her. I was pushed that far. I began playing these questions over and over in my head. In between trying to take deep breaths to remain in control of myself. Remember one thing in these types of situations, the only person you have any control over is you, how you respond and what you contribute to the situation. You can either make it worse, or you can place the responsibility back on the other person. I opted for being in control of myself, who I am as a person, and for sticking to my beliefs of who I am, knowing she was wrong and nothing she said was true.

2. What Questions do you ask yourself when confronted?
Q: Does this person know me at all?
Q: How hurt must this person be on the inside themselves to be slinging mud at me this way?
Q: Can I find empathy for them? (This one can be difficult.)
Q: In this case the individual was drunk but with a more rational person doing this, you may want to ask yourself what is it they are lacking in themselves? Why are they doing this? Is it an attempt to alleviate their own personal insecurities? A good percentage of the time it is.

People attack that which frightens them or is not in alignment with what they believe or live themselves. In this particular case, after further examination, I did find empathy for her because the insecurities that she has run so deeply that she lashed out at me in an attempt to make herself feel better and further used her position in life to intimidate me. A tactic which many people will use, but will not work if you are confident in who you are.


3. Tactics to use to difuse the situation.
A. Paraphrase what the person said back to them, make them clarify what they are trying to say to you. If you've reacted strongly you want to make sure that you heard them correctly before responding.
B. Address how they've made you feel and go back to what I said here earlier about asking yourself if any of this is true? Is this who you are? Or is this a false perception not based on fact.
c. Walk away. Simply excuse yourself. It is not weak to remove yourself from a bad situation at any point and time. You can advise the individual that you are through talking until they are in a better frame of mind. I had to do this at one point, and she walked away.

After she left, I was left with quite the revolving door of emotions. I went from anger, to hurt, to feeling judged and this went on for quite a while. So what do you do with all of these emotions? You must let them out. I didn't pick on Angel, but rather her actions and I had a few choice words to describe her as well. The bottom line of it all was that I was hurt. In order to alleviate these emotions, I have several suggestions:

1. Tell a friend and vent, don't put the other person down, but rather try to find that place of empathy. Remember one thing, those who attack others are not happy within themselves.
2. Journal and let it out, find your center again.
3. Ask yourself if anything this person said triggered a strong response in you if it was true, and perhaps to a little internal work on yourself to work through that as well.
4. Release the anger/hurt and find your way to forgiveness.

After having a day to resolve this, and doing the steps above, I've reached my center again. In the future when confronted with this individual or anyone else like this, I have gained the knowledge that I have acheived a level of self confidence and personal discovery and growth that I am proud of. I will further draw a line in the sand alot quicker to let the other individual know that this is not acceptable behavior. I was caught off guard. Based on this experience, I will not be as unprepared in the future. :)

Note: Be careful who you chose to vent to. Many people make excuses for another individuals bad behavior because they themselves would simply sweep it under the rug and make excuses for bad behavior. This will minimize your feelings and is not helpful. You don't want people to jump on a band wagon and bash some one like Angel, but rather help you find "your" center again. This is the most important part. Further after all is said and done and you've released your anger and hurt, you may want to consider calling that person and addressing the situation as well as how it made you feel. If you do this, you should address their actions and words and how they affected you. Not bash them for being a hurtful mean person. Keep in mind they may get defensive with you at this juncture as well.

Again, it is going to be up to you to keep your cool and bring the conversation back to the facts and how you were made to feel and further let it be known that it was hurtful and you will not tolerate this behavior any longer.

I hope you've found this helpful.

Sue T.
Life & Relationship Coach
Confidence is Silent. It doesn't need to defend itself.
It simply exists inside of you.